Help with a failing 13 yo boy

[Bung]

I'm having major problems with my son at a big international school in Chiang Mai. They failed him last year so when I got back here I tried to see why. Turns out he can't read or write properly yet. He is 13. All the school was interested in is that he must do his homework. They keep saying "must do homework!" I asked how he can do his homework if he can't read? No answer. They let him go up a year when it is obvious he needed to stay down and get serious help.

Some background- I work away 6 months a year. His mother who I am divorced from looks after him the other times. He is in the Thai curriculum. She is not that bright and easy on him. He has been doing extra classes for 2 years now and I am told everything is fine. Try to see reports but here they just get signed and given back, no copies for the parents. I got sick of it and went down to the school to see it.

He is a very bright kid, great personality, respectful and quiet. Not "stupid"

I get a phone call this morning. I cut his hair last night, short but apparently it's not short enough for them. I had to ask, I never get contacted by the school about the fact he can't read or how he is failing and what can we do about it, no. I get a call about his hair is 1mm too long. Hair police.

They are not interested in helping you help your child. I think he may be dyslexic but I'm no professional. What do I do? In the west the school would give you some help and direction about how to help a struggling child. Here, It's up to you to sort that out for yourself. No school will ever tell you your kid needs help for fear of loss of face for the parents. They didn't want him to fail as it made them look bad.

My questions are who can I turn to to get an honest appraisal of him and checked for dyslexia in Chiang Mai?

I think he needs a new school and go back a year to give him time to catch up. Now he is just heading to fail again this year. Any ideas of another school? He is only doing Thai curriculum.

I am meeting a teacher today who can come by the house to give home lessons.

Those interested in flaming me, go ahead. I failed him by being away and never learnt to read Thai so I could help him myself instead of relying on others, when I am home I am too much in holiday mode, his mother failed him for not pushing him harder and being lazy, the Thai schooling system failed him for not telling us how badly he was struggling so we could get help. I am tired of all the excuses, time for action.

Any constructive ideas about what to do with a kid in his situation would be welcome.

[stubuzz]

1. Go to the school and meet the teachers. Ask what can be done to help your son.

 

2. Check if he can read or write in any language.

 

3. Have an eye exam at the hospital.

 

4. Find a new school.

 

 

[96tehtarp]

Yes it's time for action. You are in a tough spot. I don't have any solution for you, only some insights and suggestions you can think over.

 

My kids do not go to an international school, rather a very good Roman Catholic Thai school. They get two hours of extra-leaning after regular classes with several other kids. I pay extra for this. This is nice because most of their homework is already done when they arrive home on the school-bus.

 

We get a logbook for homework that comes home every night. Their mother has to tick off which assignments have been completed, and send it back daily. She does this diligently.

 

"They let him go up a year when it is obvious he needed to stay down and get serious help."

 

Yes, however, now they have failed him. If he can't read properly and they put him back, this is a good thing.

 

"His mother who I am divorced from looks after him the other times. He is in the Thai curriculum. She is not that bright and easy on him." 

 

My wife, god bless her, isn't too bright either, but she can read and write. She is a fascist dictator with regards to homework. The kids get at least an hour of reading and writing with mom every night before bedtime.

 

I have noticed with several Thai families here who can't afford to send their kids to anything other than the government school at the Wat, that there is a huge difference among different kids.

 

Children who do well at government Wat schools have parents who force their children to do their homework. There is often a lot of shouting and crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I hear it. They are my neighbors. Their kids do really well. After a while the kids learnt that "resistance is futile" when it comes to homework.

 

Other parents literally couldn't care less and have no involvement whatsoever. Their kids do very poorly. They can't read or write. Some kids don't even attend classes. Their mother of one boy had to go to the school and complete the truant kid's assignments herself and do the testing and pay tea-money to get a passing grade.

 

Your child may well have a learning disability or dyslexia but from reading your OP I suspect the mother is the main factor causing his failing. Don't blame yourself.

 

"He has been doing extra classes for 2 years now and I am told everything is fine. Try to see reports but here they just get signed and given back, no copies for the parents."

 

Who has been telling you everything is fine?

 

Why isn't the mother giving you copies of the reports?

 

You are being left out of the loop.

 

"I had to ask, I never get contacted by the school about the fact he can't read or how he is failing and what can we do about it, no."

 

Are you the legal father, and are you registered as such with the school?

 

You are divorced now. Verify that you are the legal father.

 

In my case way back when I was doing 6 mo. on and 6 mo. off as you are now, I was registered as the father at the school. The teacher even called me while I was in Europe! ...on her dime. That was a Thai school.

 

"My questions are who can I turn to to get an honest appraisal of him and checked for dyslexia in Chiang Mai?"

 

I don't know. But you may want to open another thread in the Heath section with a short heading like "Learning Disability Diagnosis". There are some very knowledgeable people in that section of TV.

 

"Any ideas of another school? He is only doing Thai curriculum."

 

My first choice is boarding school. It eliminates the problem you are experiencing with his mother. The only one I have actually been to and seen is Assumption in Sriratcha. I have several friends who send their kids there and it is top notch and strict. They do not accept students with tattoos or lady-boys. If you can afford it you can ask them about taking your child down there for an assessment and see for yourself. It is impressive. They will see to it that he is doing his homework while you are away.

 

You are not getting any feedback from the school. His mother probably is, and you are not being shown it.

 

The school has told you... "Must do homework!" His problem may be just as simple as that. Hopefully he does not have dyslexia or another learning disability.

 

Good luck.

 

Hopefully someone else here will reply with far more helpful info than I have.

Edited August 1, 2014 by 96tehtarp

[Bung]

Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. It is giving me some valuable help.

Yes, his mother has never cared about helping him. Her excuse? I never finished school and am stupid" But she can read and write Thai which is something he cannot. She thinks paying for after school classes is the solution.

It's come to a head at least and she now knows how bad it is. Having a teacher come over to help at home will be better as we can keep an eye on what is going on. Those special classes are just a way for teachers to make extra money for little work.

Boarding may well be the best solution, will check out what is around Chiang Mai. Also I will try a thread in the health section as you suggested. Great idea, thanks.

[belg]

if your son is on thai curriculum only, than why waiste money on an international school ? is there no billingual school nearby ?

 

hope you can find a good in-home teacher

[Neeranam]

 I'm teaching English and German here in Thailand since 10 years, 

Oh dear. Don't teach the present perfect tense or how to use since/for.

 

I have been teaching for 10 years.

 

Sorry OP.

 

 

Firstly, Is he in an International school or what? You said Thai curriculum.

 

Are you in Thailand for 6 months not working? My opinion is that you'd be better homeschooling him yourself or asking around other expats to see if they have a child the same age and you could always hire a teacher.

[ianf]

He may well have a learning delay and needs some help from a qualified sen teacher. There are two places in Hang Dong that deal with special needs. If you are interested I'll drive around and get the contact details for you. One is on the canal road and the other is just down the soi next to Swiss original on the Ratchapruek Road. The least they could do is to give you an assessment. I don't think he has dyslexia but it may be something associated which in the UK would be dealt with by a speech pathologist very easily.

[Bung]

Thanks for the help.

IanF, I live in hang dong so would be very interested in those special needs places.

I work away 2 months on and 2 off so while I am here I am also not here, hard to have the continuity.

I've really got stuck into the ex wife about and she is much more onboard now, she understands much more now about how much help he needs and how she needs to help.

The school, well known in Chiang Mai has international, ep and Thai curriculum. I'm not happy with their performance, as an example, I got a phone call today about his hair being too long, I cut it myself last night. Was told it doesn't conform to school rules and is maybe 1mm too long. I thought it funny that no one ever calls me or his mum to tell us how he can't read and is failing, come in and talk about how we can help him but his hair, ok I get a call about that.........

[kennypowers]

The problem is easily identified in the statement; "when I am home I am too much in holiday mode"

 

Sorry, but this needs some tough love.

 

Tell me to f'off if you like, but I am sure some fathers out there will agree with me.

 

You need to step up and become a part of your boy's life. Being away for 6 months of the year isn't good enough.

 

Being in holiday mode when you come back isn't good enough. 

 

Letting things get to this stage isn't good enough. 

 

This is your job. The buck stops with you. Man up and do whatever needs doing, do it. 

 

Take him to be educated in your home country. 

Work out some different work arrangements. 

Forget the selfish "holiday mode" and spend all the hours you do have when you're home schooling him yourself.

Stop blaming the school. You put him there and didn't monitor his progress.

Stop blaming mum; she's not well educated and probably hasn't a clue what to do.

 

I fear, however, that you'll make a few changes and disappear again. Only to come back and blame everyone else.

 

I hope you don't. 

 

Sorry if this is harsh, but this is on you. 

 

 

 

[fgh654vb]

You are going to get a lot of "man in the street" responses. I can email you some specific information that could help. Holding him back is NOT the answer. I assume his work is in English -- or is it in Thai. I am sure your son is very bright. He fits a particular profile that unfortunately schools are not good at dealing with. My guess is that the teachers will try to pound phonics into him with worksheets etc. this will not work. I'm pretty sure your son is more holistic and can enter into strategic reading through meaning. Much to explain.

[Water Buffalo]

 

 I'm teaching English and German here in Thailand since 10 years, 

Oh dear. Don't teach the present perfect tense or how to use since/for.

 

I have been teaching for 10 years.

 

Sorry OP.

 

 

Firstly, Is he in an International school or what? You said Thai curriculum.

 

Are you in Thailand for 6 months not working? My opinion is that you'd be better homeschooling him yourself or asking around other expats to see if they have a child the same age and you could always hire a teacher.

 

 

Oh come on! Let's not beat up on non-native English teachers.  I am sure there is a lot he can offer the Thai students.  There is no need for language police here.  It is a thread about a struggling child.  No need to be petty.
 

Edited August 1, 2014 by Water Buffalo

[Bung]

The problem is easily identified in the statement; "when I am home I am too much in holiday mode"
 
Sorry, but this needs some tough love.
 
Tell me to f'off if you like, but I am sure some fathers out there will agree with me.
 
You need to step up and become a part of your boy's life. Being away for 6 months of the year isn't good enough.
 
Being in holiday mode when you come back isn't good enough. 
 
Letting things get to this stage isn't good enough. 
 
This is your job. The buck stops with you. Man up and do whatever needs doing, do it. 
 
Take him to be educated in your home country. 
Work out some different work arrangements. 
Forget the selfish "holiday mode" and spend all the hours you do have when you're home schooling him yourself.
Stop blaming the school. You put him there and didn't monitor his progress.
Stop blaming mum; she's not well educated and probably hasn't a clue what to do.
 
I fear, however, that you'll make a few changes and disappear again. Only to come back and blame everyone else.
 
I hope you don't. 
 
Sorry if this is harsh, but this is on you. 
 
 
 

I hear you and was kind of expecting this response. It's fair enough but a lot of assumptions for someone who doesn't know me at all.

It hasn't been easy working away but that is my life. I do well to do 2 months on 2 off and provide for him now and in his future.

I did think of taking him home but with a kid struggling to get by in a Thai school where would he fit into a western school. Also, I would have to be a single dad working in town doing a lower paid job, rent a home, cook, clean, there goes my retirement.

I got divorced from his mom 3 years ago and it hasn't been easy. When I am at home I look after him full time and do everything to make the home. I have no helpers. So don't think I am just a layabout dad in holiday mode always. In fact, since the divorce I have virtually had zero social life, just go back to work.

He is doing a Thai curriculum so I have no idea about helping him with the work.

I have been paying for extra study the whole time to no avail. Hence the ask for help thread. It's time to shake things up. I have been fed a lot of lies, false assurances and misinformation over the years as most long term ears here can attest to.

I have always spoken to my son in English. There is not one word he does not understand.

Anyway, teacher is here right now and hopefully be a lot better doing the work right here where we can keep an eye on things.

[joshstiles]

Does he have a learning disability?  ADD  ADHD  Autism???  Yes dyslexia can also be a huge problem.  

[Grindting]

If it were me and I could afford it, in your work situation and due to the useless mother if send the kid to a special needs boarding school in the UK.

Perhaps change my schedule from 6 on 6 off to 1 on 1 off or 2-2 Etc to spend more time with him.

[Bung]

Does he have a learning disability?  ADD  ADHD  Autism???  Yes dyslexia can also be a huge problem.  

We had him checked at Chiang Mai Ram for those and nothing found. Not sure about the dyslexia.

[Bung]

You are going to get a lot of "man in the street" responses. I can email you some specific information that could help. Holding him back is NOT the answer. I assume his work is in English -- or is it in Thai. I am sure your son is very bright. He fits a particular profile that unfortunately schools are not good at dealing with. My guess is that the teachers will try to pound phonics into him with worksheets etc. this will not work. I'm pretty sure your son is more holistic and can enter into strategic reading through meaning. Much to explain.

Sounds interesting. He is very bright and often gets complimented on the way he can converse with people much older than him. He has a good world view and has a great imagination and wonderment about everything that's for sure.

His work is in Thai.

[kingstonkid]

First thing I would do is get him to a doctor at a 5 star hospital to get checked for any disabilities including eye sight.

 

Moving him at his age is not going to work. Remember the rule is that you pass as long as you attend.

 

Talk to another parents of Find a  Mat 5-6 student that is bright and looking to make a few baht.

 

Hire them with the provision that you will be checking the work and also have the school keep an Eye on it while you are away.

 

Ask teh school to keep a register of his classwork so that you can see it when you get back.

 

Set goals for him with rewards if he achieves them.

 

Best of luck.  Being military I too was away and know that sometimes no matter what we want to do we are stuck.

[96tehtarp]

Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. It is giving me some valuable help.

Yes, his mother has never cared about helping him. Her excuse? I never finished school and am stupid" But she can read and write Thai which is something he cannot. She thinks paying for after school classes is the solution.

It's come to a head at least and she now knows how bad it is. Having a teacher come over to help at home will be better as we can keep an eye on what is going on. Those special classes are just a way for teachers to make extra money for little work.

Boarding may well be the best solution, will check out what is around Chiang Mai. Also I will try a thread in the health section as you suggested. Great idea, thanks.

 

You are very welcome. Remember my advice may not be the best.

 

"Those special classes are just a way for teachers to make extra money for little work."

 

Not necessarily. One of my friend's boys is in his last year of high school at Assumption in Sriratcha doing physics and calculus, and chemistry. It's tough, and those classes are all taught in English. Physics, chemistry, and calculus are well beyond his parents ability to assist in any way and the after school class sessions he has been taking are in a separate private tutoring school. His grades are now very good. A+

 

"Having a teacher come over to help at home will be better as we can keep an eye on what is going on."

 

​It depends on the individual teacher. Keep in mind the private tutoring schools have more resources than the individual home teacher will have and also they provide a social aspect as there are other kids studying there as well. You can also monitor what's going on at the tutoring places.

 

I had private home tutors when I was 6-8 years old in the west and found them claustrophobic.

 

I see a lot of helpful posts here. It seems though, that quite a few missed the point in your OP that you child is in a Thai curriculum. That's what you have chosen. Naturally you can't help with his learning of the Thai script and phonetics.

 

I have made the same decision for my kids. English is going to be a second language. English is my first language and I have learned two languages in addition to English as second languages and have no problem with it. IMO English does not have to be a first language however it will require a heavy dose of immersion aka an overseas experience to become excellent in English.

 

Your solution for your child may be a combination of after school sessions and private home tutoring when needed.

 

Boarding school is best if you also want to remove your child from your wife's social environment if you think that it's bad for the child.

 

Don't forget to bribe reward your child for progress. Incentivize his progress heavily.

 

Watch for a new topic here from me asking for help getting my kids, who are also in a Thai curriculum, to excel at English when the only English speaker within 200km is me. Their mother, even after 15+ years with me, is hopeless with English. It's my fault for learning Thai.

 

It's 20:45 here and lights have just been turned out. The kids just finished their Thai homework with mom, log books ticked off, and good night.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 1, 2014 by 96tehtarp

[thailand49]

I too as written on another subject on Thaivisa have a 15 year old son who I have failed because I just took it for granted?  I really do not have a answer for you since I didn't have one for myself.

 

But you say International school yet he is only learning Thai?  Find a new school right away a get him some tutoring not from the same school you are just hiring the same problem.  My son same stuff private tutoring from his teacher who say his weakness, I pay and end of year same score I said there wanting to yell but had to just keep silent because I didn't want them all to lose face.  You question them and you are the problem everyone plays dumb or do not understand and they are pushing English.  

 

What I've learn is the best education you can do for them is when they have a break take them away to your own country and get them tutoring in English subjects Math and Science the hold summer. not in Thailand.  Go to the Expat Clubs I think there is one in CM, talk to other Expats!

 

Good luck,  

[craigt3365]

A post violating forum rules has been removed from view.  Pirated software is illegal in this country.

[BrooklynNY]

You are not alone about hair rule at school. I read a Thai thread on a Thai web board a few days ago that a young female student's hair was deliberately cut short by a teacher without her parent's consent. In addition, the teacher took the liberty to dye the girl's hair to pitch black with her reason that the girl's hair is not black enough. The girl's natural hair color was black/dark brown. The teacher gave the girl a bad choppy hair cut that she was embarrassed, she cried so much that she did not want to go to school.

 

If I were you, I would hire a tutor and I would take him to a different school. Unfortunately that his mother is not a dedicated and caring mother. Maybe you could send your son to study abroad. I was sent to an all girl boarding school in BKK and later on to study abroad. I am proud of the school I went to and despite of strict rules and regulations but those rules and regulations were not extreme like many stupid Thai schools that I heard of. The school curriculum are competitive.

 

I do not know about schools in Chiangmai but there are many good private all boy schools in BKK to name a few are St. Gabriel, Assumption and Suan-Gulaab. The problem is your son must pass assessment tests.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 2, 2014 by BrooklynNY

[johninbkk71]

Hi, can I make a suggestion? Pull your son out of that school. Do his homework is not the answer. The teachers are being lazy.
Bring him to these people in Bangkok to find out what the problem is- www.village-education.com. Check their website I have known a lot of students who have been helped by them. But it willmean he will have to live in Bangkok.

[apiwan]

The problem is easily identified in the statement; "when I am home I am too much in holiday mode"
 
Sorry, but this needs some tough love.
 
Tell me to f'off if you like, but I am sure some fathers out there will agree with me.
 
You need to step up and become a part of your boy's life. Being away for 6 months of the year isn't good enough.
 
Being in holiday mode when you come back isn't good enough. 
 
Letting things get to this stage isn't good enough. 
 
This is your job. The buck stops with you. Man up and do whatever needs doing, do it. 
 
Take him to be educated in your home country. 
Work out some different work arrangements. 
Forget the selfish "holiday mode" and spend all the hours you do have when you're home schooling him yourself.
Stop blaming the school. You put him there and didn't monitor his progress.
Stop blaming mum; she's not well educated and probably hasn't a clue what to do.
 
I fear, however, that you'll make a few changes and disappear again. Only to come back and blame everyone else.
 
I hope you don't. 
 
Sorry if this is harsh, but this is on you. 
 
 
 

I hear you and was kind of expecting this response. It's fair enough but a lot of assumptions for someone who doesn't know me at all.

It hasn't been easy working away but that is my life. I do well to do 2 months on 2 off and provide for him now and in his future.

I did think of taking him home but with a kid struggling to get by in a Thai school where would he fit into a western school. Also, I would have to be a single dad working in town doing a lower paid job, rent a home, cook, clean, there goes my retirement.

I got divorced from his mom 3 years ago and it hasn't been easy. When I am at home I look after him full time and do everything to make the home. I have no helpers. So don't think I am just a layabout dad in holiday mode always. In fact, since the divorce I have virtually had zero social life, just go back to work.

He is doing a Thai curriculum so I have no idea about helping him with the work.

I have been paying for extra study the whole time to no avail. Hence the ask for help thread. It's time to shake things up. I have been fed a lot of lies, false assurances and misinformation over the years as most long term ears here can attest to.

I have always spoken to my son in English. There is not one word he does not understand.

Anyway, teacher is here right now and hopefully be a lot better doing the work right here where we can keep an eye on things.

Don't beat yourself up mate.

And don't listen to some sanctimonious guys on here.

It's not easy being a single parent. You still need your job for now and the future.

But you have to act now.

Before I was in, the same situation as you the mother couldn't be bothered just following along the typical thai way.

I have 2 boys in assumption Sri racha. Por 2 & por 5.

That school for what you pay is something else.

I met some boys in their last year at the score and their english was impeccable.

And they were 100 percent thai and only learnt english from the school.

If you were thinking of boarding for 1 is 100/120K Per year.

OT in the dorms. This and that add an extra 30K.

English maths science computers all taught in English.

It's a strict school. But there's more on learning than dancing.

There is another assumption in Korat. Don't know how good that is though.

Ask anyone in Thailand. About assumption Sri racha. Everyone knows it.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[96tehtarp]

Hi, can I make a suggestion? Pull your son out of that school. Do his homework is not the answer. The teachers are being lazy.
Bring him to these people in Bangkok to find out what the problem is- www.village-education.com. Check their website I have known a lot of students who have been helped by them. But it willmean he will have to live in Bangkok.

 

"Do his homework is not the answer."

 

The boy is in a Thai curriculum. From my experience, and the experiences I have witnessed of many other children also in the Thai curriculum, homework is critical. Without homework, and lots of it, it is impossible to learn to read and write Thai.

 

johninbkk71, you may be correct in this boy's case homework may not be a solution. He may have special needs, and unable to learn by doing homework. The site village - education dot com you posted looks very high quality. I bookmarked it.

 

Note to OP: Give that site a good read.

[Eliot Rosewater]

Thanks for the help.

IanF, I live in hang dong so would be very interested in those special needs places.

I work away 2 months on and 2 off so while I am here I am also not here, hard to have the continuity.

I've really got stuck into the ex wife about and she is much more onboard now, she understands much more now about how much help he needs and how she needs to help.

The school, well known in Chiang Mai has international, ep and Thai curriculum. I'm not happy with their performance, as an example, I got a phone call today about his hair being too long, I cut it myself last night. Was told it doesn't conform to school rules and is maybe 1mm too long. I thought it funny that no one ever calls me or his mum to tell us how he can't read and is failing, come in and talk about how we can help him but his hair, ok I get a call about that.........

I think you are being a bit misleading, it is obviously not an international school. I would suggest putting him in real International School

Sent from my GT-I9300T using Thaivisa Connect Thailand mobile app

[96tehtarp]

 

 

The problem is easily identified in the statement; "when I am home I am too much in holiday mode"

 

<snip>

 

I hear you and was kind of expecting this response. It's fair enough but a lot of assumptions for someone who doesn't know me at all.

It hasn't been easy working away but that is my life. I do well to do 2 months on 2 off and provide for him now and in his future.

Don't beat yourself up mate.

 

People working on rotation need holiday-mode in order to stay sane.

 

Another word for holiday-mode is decompression-mode.

[spidermike007]

Have you considered hiring a tutor? It is a very popular thing to do in China, Malaysia, Japan, and other countries where education is taken seriously. You could probably find a good teacher with time on their hands, to do some private tutoring, focusing on reading and writing. If he is bright, he would pick it up fast. He probably just has not had the kind of individualized training he needs. I hear the schools here are very poor, and the teachers are highly uncreative. So, they probably do not take the time when a specific student lags behind. They do not have the creative juice to come up with an individual agenda for your boy. Try something different. Change it up. Forget that school. They sound like they are not focused on education. 

[DaBloodyMess]

From your description of the school having an 'international, ep and Thai program'. I would hazard a guess that your son is at Varee.

 

I know in the Varee International department, they had (maybe still have) a dedicated and foreign (UK) trained special needs teacher who could do an assessment. However, I would hazard a guess that the support of this specialist is only available to those paying the fees for the international program.

 

Most of the other purely international schools in town also have special needs teachers who can do assessments and create tailored learning programs, but moving your son to one of these schools will cost $$$. There is also no guarantee they would accept him, as there is generally an entrance exam.

 

No matter if you choose to move him to an international program or try another Thai school, it is clear that you need to get him out of the school he is currently in.

[macka]

Hi cobber sounds like you are onto the problems with the present school.I suffered from comprehesion at school. Was good at maths and spelling in primary but that changed in high school where questions were written. Ended up doing a course like reading a story and answering questions,explaining the story,speed reading. It helped but some people can learn by reading, or being shown, or doin. Find out your sons strengths and you might figure it out. Your son is lucky you found out now Good luck