Retardo

[HeijoshinCool]

Folks here who live on sharp, downhill blind curves, can’t expect lengthy lifespans for their mutts. And so, last week the neighbor’s two year old I-sleep-on-the-road hound got spanked by a fully loaded dump truck, after he ignored the thrice daily 120-decibel blaring of a horn that sounds like an elephant’s trumpet.

His death, however, means a new lease on life for me.

My two dogs are laid back. They don’t bark. They never, ever, leave my unfenced yard. When you’re a hundred pound dog in a town packed with thirty pounders, you have nothing to prove. But the dearly departed always hated he could not get a rise out of his farang canine neighbors. So several times a day he felt compelled to try; coming next door thinking to agitate them as they sunbathed, barking and charging and jumping and spinning, and otherwise acting severely retarded.

They ignored him.

So, feeling ignored, Retardo became a crack addict.

People walking to and from the store, geriatric friends visiting my elderly landlord—my elderly landlord himself—people dismounting motorbikes. And Retardo’s favorite: the three guys from the electric company. (Every time it sprinkles five drops, they come change the big fuse that inevitably blows.) Retardo especially liked the guy who stood very still, cigarette dangling, feet apart, intently looking up while maneuvering a twenty foot pole with a fuse hanging off it’s tip. No defense, prime target.

So when I heard the news of his passing, I was actually, well … pretty *#@* delighted! Ashamed? Well, yes … but I can now pluck tomatoes without looking over my shoulder.

And ponder, what could go wrong with no Retardo lurking about?

Nothing. I am a positive thinker.

But two days after they peel Retardo from the sizzling asphalt like a half-cooked strawberry pancake from an ungreased griddle, what do you suppose they do?

That is correct. They locate reinforcements.

Why?

I don’t know.

No one had ever paid attention to humble Retardo (except when he goosed ‘em, which is why he goosed ‘em); never fed him or bathed him or de-ticked him. With only a handful of tufts of hair left from endless scratching, no one sure as heck ever gave him a hug.

But there are plenty of pye-dog understudies in Rhek Thum, so let’s go find ‘em and bring ‘em home.

Plural.

Miss Cute New Puppy and her brother, Future Roadkill, can, without drawing a breath, yappity-yap twenty-four hours. Yes they can. Including the lambent-lighted one in which I savor my coffee; the six or seven during which I like to read or write or garden a bit; the two during which I cook, wine and dine to wind down a day … and then … every *#+#@* single one of the eight during which I used to sleep.

A high-pitched puppy synchronization; a look-at-us! din. All while their “caretakers” (I use this term so lightly a single molecule of hydrogen could hold it down) sit just feet away—eating, drinking, or themselves stridently yappity-yapping a mile a minute.

Yes, Caretakers are fully immunized against Cute New Puppy’s and Roadkill’s viral look-at-me histrionics. Viral because, every other dog in a one kilometer radius barks back. (But maybe they’re saying, shut up … shut up … please, shut up ….)

At this moment, the adorables sit drenched in a two-hour downpour, barkety-barking while Caretakers watch educational television on the front porch a few yards away. At full volume, so I can enjoy it, too.

bark … bark …bonk! …bark …bark … doink! … bark … bark … boinggggg!

Neither will ever be loved. And in just days when they lose that cuddly cuteness, they’ll be free all night to probe the darkest recesses of Rhek Thum. Barking at the moon and howling at the wind and fighting tooth and nail for food and sex, like the never bathed mange factory they replaced.

Hopefully they too will learn to enjoy sleeping on the curve.

NOTE: Unless in violation of forum rules:

Please freely state all judgments (but politely), and kindly point out any spelling, grammatical and punctuation corrections!

And thanks in advance to those posting totally ridiculous replies.

[Totster]

Writing is obviously not your 'thing'

totster

[Costas2008]

OP, I love your posts, keep it up, mate.

[transam]

It must be Sunday.....................

[HeijoshinCool]

2 tablespoons of MSG in minced pork usually does the trick pretty quickly.

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Gosh Neernam, I'm apalled! Don't you know MSG is a neurotoxin?

On another note, I have taken to disposing of my bbq rib and chicken bones on the curve. Close to the centerline. At night.

[giddyup]

You lost me at "folks here"

[Neeranam]

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Gosh Neernam, I'm apalled!

On another note, I have taken to disposing of my bbq rib and chicken bones on the curve. Close to the centerline. At night.

I empathize mate as I have 4 dogs in a new housing estate. As people move into the new houses there is always another new tough guy on the block. What annoys me is that they are let roam at 3am. There is only so much I can take, hence the research into toxins.

[HeijoshinCool]

You lost me at "folks here"

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Yeah, I understand.

Watching Miley tweaking and cannonballing 24/7 has that effect on attention spans.

EDIT: I guess it's "twerking," but you know those spell checkers just haven't caught up to popular culture.

Edited August 10, 2014 by HeijoshinCool

[Rooo]

You've done my head in. Congratulations.

[transam]

You've done my head in. Congratulations.

I've got a hangover so it's even worse for me................ ..................

[Totster]

You've done my head in. Congratulations.

I've got a hangover so it's even worse for me................ ..................

Get yerself a livener!!

totster

[SeaVisionBurma]

Given the content of the OP, this banter thread is on a short leash (if you'll pardon the pun)

Moving to Pub for now.

[cornishcarlos]

Great writing once again

Our neighbours acquired 2 very nice retriever puppies last year, we live next to the main 4 lane highway so you can probably guess where I am going with this..!!

1 was reduced to hauling his non working back legs within weeks of being there, not sure what hit him.. The other 1 diced with the reaper every hour. Then after my last work away spell, they were no more

Last week, 2 identical little puppies appeared and are now learning what delights the road side verge is hiding. They are having so much fun... !!!

I am surrounded by goldfish...

[RolandRat]

Great story again OP, always enjoy your observations, keep em coming!

[HeijoshinCool]

Great story again OP, always enjoy your observations, keep em coming!

.

Thanks, Roland. Had more lined up, but this might be my last.

[Seastallion]

Great story again OP, always enjoy your observations, keep em coming!

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Thanks, Roland. Had more lined up, but this might be my last.

Not your last! I enjoy your ramblings, your humorous hyperbole, and all the anecdotes.

"(I use this term so lightly a single molecule of hydrogen could hold it down)". loved it.

[pitchag]

A good well written piece enjoyed every sarcastic word and I do feel very sorry for you,

The house next door to me was a rental and their dog was chained up and barked all day and into the night, so I rang the landlord and asked him if he gave permission for pets in his house he said he did, so I explained my problem and he was not very accommodating so I said I would ring him at all hours of the day and night when the dog starting barking, the next day the dog was gone, just goes to show the power of revenge

[HeijoshinCool]

Great writing once again

Our neighbours acquired 2 very nice retriever puppies last year, we live next to the main 4 lane highway so you can probably guess where I am going with this..!!

1 was reduced to hauling his non working back legs within weeks of being there, not sure what hit him.. The other 1 diced with the reaper every hour. Then after my last work away spell, they were no more

Last week, 2 identical little puppies appeared and are now learning what delights the road side verge is hiding. They are having so much fun... !!!

I am surrounded by goldfish...

.

No doubt your neighbors, like mine, are also raising children.

[RolandRat]

I vote we establish a "rhek thum" forum or thread, tales and stories from the far reaches of the province...yeaaahhhhh

Life in Rhek Thum, and the ongoing saga, just like "The Waltons" from the US or "Crinkly Bottom" in the UK, or " Walkabout Creek" in Oz, yeaahhhhhh, come on Ratfans !! give this man an arena to post his delightful tales.

Edited August 11, 2014 by RolandRat

[HeijoshinCool]

I vote we establish a "rhek thum" forum or thread, tales and stories from the far reaches of the province...yeaaahhhhh

Life in Rhek Thum, and the ongoing saga, just like "The Waltons" from the US or "Crinkly Bottom" in the UK, or " Walkabout Creek" in Oz, yeaahhhhhh, come on Ratfans !! give this man an arena to post his delightful tales.

.

Stay tuned ...

[Crazy chef 1]

nicely written again- reminds me somehow on a old member at the Issan forum( got banned) can' remember his name.always entertaining tales about the village live. keep it going Mr Cool.

[HeijoshinCool]

nicely written again- reminds me somehow on a old member at the Issan forum( got banned) can' remember his name.always entertaining tales about the village live. keep it going Mr Cool.

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Thanks for the kind words, Chef.

[waynethor]

Very funny!

I have read a lot of posts since signing up yesterday and was getting sad because so many are just stupid and bitching posts, so to read something with good wit like this is very nice.

I thin my favorite part was this........

"But two days after they peel Retardo from the sizzling asphalt like a half-cooked strawberry pancake from an ungreased griddle, what do you suppose they do?

That is correct. They locate reinforcements.

Why?

I don’t know."

[Frank James]

Writing is obviously not your 'thing'

totster

I disagree. This is a very good account of the problems caused by these horrible examples of canine life that make life dangerous and unpleasant for people and other animals, all over this country.

[BookMan]

Great story Op. Keep 'em coming!

[BookMan]

Writing is obviously not your 'thing'

totster

I disagree. This is a very good account of the problems caused by these horrible examples of canine life that make life dangerous and unpleasant for people and other animals, all over this country.

Totser surely was joking