Is the child mine?

[maxbass]

A passionate night without precautions ended up in the result one would expect when not taking precautions. A trip to the pharmacy and 60THB later, the situation appeared to be handled.

Kept in touch only to find out that 8 months & 2 weeks later she gave birth to a child. It would be convenient to laugh this off and pretend the laws of probability favor someone else but I want to know if this child is mine.

She lives in Laos but was working in Thailand at the time of the "event". Despite being friends on Facebook & WhatsApp, her pregnancy was never mentioned. No RFM. Over the past year, communication faded as time passed.

But I must know if this child is mine. This is not something I will leave to probability or assumptions. It would be easy to make excuses for not finding out but every part of my being tells me I need to find the truth. But I do not want to scare her off by being overly aggressive or asking too much information too quickly. Given I've know this information for only a few hours, I don't want to react too quickly and lose the opportunity to reestablish a relationship and find out if the child is mine.

My best guess at a reasonable approach is to establish regular communication with her. My next SE Asia trip is approaching and I would like to visit her in Laos. At least, I would like to visit, meet the child, and hopefully take a DNA swab to find out if I am the father. This is one of those situations in life where you can't screw up. I have one shot to get this right.

Given the date of our encounters & the date of the birth, (despite her activities) there is a reasonable probability the child is mine. Even if it's only 25%, it's my responsibility to find out.

How would you suggestion I handle this situation. I clearly don't want to come on too strong & scare her off. If I can meet the child & take a saliva swab, I can have DNA tests run. Maybe my presence alone in her homeland will loosen her lips but at this point, I don't even know exactly where she lives. The one thing I cannot do is mess this up. I need to know for my own peace of mine if the child is or is not mine. Since I was not informed of the pregnancy, I think I need to approach this with caution so she doesn't completely cut me off.

Any suggestions (particularly if you have been in my situation)?

Edited September 28, 2014 by maxbass

[Costas2008]

OP, you come across like a serious and responsible person.

Yes the only solution I can see is take a DNA test of the child.

Be frank with her and explain your feelings and worries.

If she is as serious as you are she will agree to meeting you again and go through the DNA test.

Wish you the Best of Luck.

[David48]

Awesome 1^st post.

No idea what to suggest.

Good luck with it all.

I'm off for a ...

[Rooo]

Moved to family & children.

[NeverSure]

OK, If one assumes that the Laos woman is poor by Western standards, and if you intend to pay support if the child is yours, money might grease the wheels.

You can use a lot of approaches, but one might simply be that you want to help her celebrate the new child by bringing it some money. Then you could tell her that if the child is your's you'll send support money. If that doesn't do it, I don't know what to offer next.

Edited September 28, 2014 by NeverSure

[luk AJ]

If the child was yours she would have told you.

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[tifino]

but, she might be married, and very afraid - of 'him' learning

but, she might not be married, and very afraid - of arrest

[maxbass]

Appreciate the replies. I didn't even realize this was my first post as I've been on the site for many years.

Maybe those of you with children will tell me "DUH!" but having this situation evolve without notice has taken me off guard. She never asked for money, she never mentioned a pregnancy. But I'm pretty skilled at math. And adding up dates, it's pretty simple to figure out that there is a reasonable probability that the child is mine. And after confirming the dates of my hotel stay, I know within a 24 hour period when this "event" happened.

My goal now is to simply find out if the child is mine. That is my responsibility and one I'm taking seriously. I'm not sure how cooperative she would be if she knew my intentions. So any DNA test would most likely be done without her knowledge. You can imagine what's running through my head at the moment. Sorry to burden you with this but I think outside perspective could be helpful to me at the moment.

[robertthebruce]

I have the utmost respect for you, you have morals....

You could of just walked away , whatever the result is,,, but you are not.

The child and his mother, are your concern.... Well done..

Whatever happens I hope it works out for the best.... Whatever that may be..

[wprime]

Just ask her if there were complications in the birth, she'll mention if it was premature, if not then it's not your baby.

[ATF]

First port of call would be the birth cert. Not only your name may not be on it but HER name may not be on it also. Could be a sister's kid.

Apologies for being cynical but...........................

[maxbass]

Reading this post, it may be a 30 second adventure. For me, call it 12 hours of controlled panic.

The cliff notes - the baby is apparently her sisters. I've never seen the volume & type of pictures (see examples below) of an aunt holding her sisters baby but at this point it seems plausible. We had a relatively quick response conversation on Facebook messenger which leads me to believe she is being honest. I offered to come visit her in her hometown which she seemed thrilled about. Against my better judgement, I asked if the kid was mine. Her instantaneous response was reassuring. She talked about her 2 year son as her only child (which I knew about). She said that was her sister's girl.

If you were in my shoes, knew exactly what happened, calculated the dates, and saw pictures of her on her Facebook page with the child, you may have come to the same conclusion. It was interesting to see the dad instinct in me come out. Never expected that. But it appears we have a wrap to the situation. False alarm. Back to defcon 0. Now I'm only left to wonder if I actually wanted it to be reality. How great would it be rolling into a family reunion with 40 year old siblings with my 22 year old bride & 2 month old kid. Regardless of that, I feel pretty confident the kid is not mine.

Thanks for putting up with the panic. I wanted to process my thoughts before reacting. Luckily, she eased the process by responding to my Facebook messages in a matter of fact way that put my mind at ease.

Let's hope if I have a 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Laos, 1/4 English, 1/4 German baby, it will be planned. She can still be 22 years old, I just want it to be planned.

Edited September 28, 2014 by maxbass

[jacksam]

You seem like a very responsible person. This is left field but I would actually avoid it all together. Move on.

[ABCer]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong.

From your story I gather it was a one night stay affair, may be even more. So what?

No attached strings. No relationship. She apparently was doing the same with others.

Now what difference does it make who is the biological father? He is a stranger.

Even if the baby is yours, what next? You are willing to help financially.

Credit to your decency. But if she is married - big trouble for her, for baby etc.

If the baby is not hers - you are creating big trouble again. For everybody.

Money issue aside. If she knew for sure it is your baby - she would have let you know.

I am afraid with all your decency and high morals you are not being wise. Sorry.

[Chuckles78]

Good on you OP for caring!

I am curious, what are your intentions should a DNA test confirms it is yours?

If you wish to support them in some way then I would enquire by her whether she is indeed married already and if you may continue contact or visit her.

If she agrees to see you then ask her about a dna test, that you would like to confirm for yourself.

Although it may have been an accident the responsibilty still lies with both of you and I believe you are doing the right thing.

I'm disgusted by those whom have commented here that you should ignore it and move on.

[maxbass]

OP, correct me if I'm wrong. From your story I gather it was a one night stay affair, may be even more. So what? No attached strings. No relationship. She apparently was doing the same with others. Now what difference does it make who is the biological father? He is a stranger. Even if the baby is yours, what next? You are willing to help financially. Credit to your decency. But if she is married - big trouble for her, for baby etc. If the baby is not hers - you are creating big trouble again. For everybody. Money issue aside. If she knew for sure it is your baby - she would have let you know. I am afraid with all your decency and high morals you are not being wise. Sorry.

I'm relatively certain she isn't married. Of course if the child was mine I would help financially. I was focused on finding out the truth before worrying about what to do next. I didn't want the weight of such matters to change my efforts in finding out if it's mine.

I would have been skeptical if she came to me making claims or asking for support. 8 months & 2 weeks was a little too close for comfort.

Edited September 28, 2014 by maxbass

[maxbass]

Good on you OP for caring!

I am curious, what are your intentions should a DNA test confirms it is yours?

If you wish to support them in some way then I would enquire by her whether she is indeed married already and if you may continue contact or visit her.

If she agrees to see you then ask her about a dna test, that you would like to confirm for yourself.

Although it may have been an accident the responsibilty still lies with both of you and I believe you are doing the right thing.

I'm disgusted by those whom have commented here that you should ignore it and move on.

The situation has resolved itself. My intention was to not mention a DNA test but to get a saliva sample discreetly and have the testing done without her knowledge. I didn't know her address so I planned to keep things friendly so I didn't scare her off before my visit.

[ebean001]

If things are logical with her and you (i bet there not even close to being normal) tell her to go to the hospital and get a DNA test. Have the results sent to you. Then do your thing where you live. If she says NO then it is not your child or she is simply stupid.

By the way WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THE BABY IS EVEN HERS!!!!

She will not do the DNA if it is a scam or she knows it is not yours.

Edited September 29, 2014 by ebean001

[gopis108]

Hey Dude-if she is not pushing it why would you,are you daft or what??She most likely knows it is not your child or she would be after you for money right now.Just drop it and find a new girlfriend-God knows they are not hard to find in Thailand..

[jomcondo]

if that was a thai girl she would be after cash no matter what.

OP how did the situation resolve itself?

[Toscano]

This isn't Britain , Europe , US or Australia , where the social security come after you for child support .

Bus loads of girls travel from Laos to work in Thailand . If this girl wanted you to be the father and support her she would have said so .

My advice , leave well alone , find another girl on your next visit , wear a condom otherwide you might contract HIV .

In Thailand sex and pregnancy are no big deal , it happens all the time , nobody thinks anything of it or worries who the father is .

The girl will likely dump it on her parents , go off to work again , send money home to parents , who don't mind how she earns it .

[franck1972]

I have been in the same kind of situation.

Talked to a thai woman over a year online, so I knew her well before I met her...then we met, and like 10 days later it just happened.

Had the same question, so what now, is it mine or not, even if probably was high, I didn't want to wait 9 months with this doubt.

What happened is that we once talked about what nationality the child will get later (I have two nationalities)...

So I came to following idea.

I thought, next time I'll initiate the talk about child nationality, and tell her, "no problem, to get this or this nationality the child must do a DNA test, that's all"...and then I wanted to see the reaction in her eyes.

Fortunately, there was nothing special, which convinced me that it was mine..and now I know for sure it is, even without test, he looks so much like me when I was young, there's no need for DNA test

So, if she's fluent in english, try to make the same kind of test and see her reaction.

Hope that helped.

[uty6543]

All credit to the op for wanting to do the right thing by what he thought may have been his child but IMO stealing its DNA is not the right way of going about it. How would any of us feel if someone stole our DNA to prove anything?

[Kabula]

If you are retired and receive a pension, if she goes to your embassy and files a birth certificate, they may pay child support each month from your monthly pension payment.

In Costa Rica after birth they ask who the father is and many name the man with the most cash! Then she heads for the embassy! Some countries will not let you leave after notice is given until a DNA test is done. I've heard of horror stories where that could take a month or two.

If you use a condom, flush it down the toilet as many will take the sperm home for the cash cow!

Welcome to the new reality.

[2008bangkok]

OP, come on man, tell the truth,

[choochoo]

OP, you come across like a serious and responsible person.

Yes the only solution I can see is take a DNA test of the child.

Be frank with her and explain your feelings and worries.

If she is as serious as you are she will agree to meeting you again and go through the DNA test.

Wish you the Best of Luck.

im not railing on the op.

A responsible person does not have un-protected sex with a lao prostitute......................lol.

PS is her name NIKI?

[brewsterbudgen]

As someone with a pregnant Lao girlfriend, it's important that the OP be aware that in Laos an offence has been committed if a Laotian has "relations" with a foreigner that she is not married to. Of course, nothing is likely to happen, but getting involved especially in Laos itself, whether ot not you turn out to be the actual father, could open both her and you up to some invlovement from the police. I would proceed with caution.

Who does she say is the father?

[ggt]

How long have you been in Thailand...have you not learned anything from the Thai males about this subject...

Just kidding...don't all you poster bonkers...get your panties in a wad...

[maprao]

Tell her to meet you in bkk if she wants you in the child's life. Do a DNA Test at a reputable hospital like Bangkok or Bumrumgrad. The talk about it. Never accept the fact the child is your in Asia without a test they have a different set of values to a westerner so never judge them by your standards or values.

[abrahamzvi]

but, she might be married, and very afraid - of 'him' learning

but, she might not be married, and very afraid - of arrest

Why afraid of arrest? Is it a crime in Laos to have an affair with a foreigner? I don't believe it is.