interracial relationship disapproval ADVICE PLEASE

[8infinity8]

I am in a relationship with a Thai man and I am a falung woman. His family is a traditional Thai Chinese family and they do not approve of our relationship. Im just wondering if anyone knows how I might ease the situation? I am happy to do the mai ben lai thing and wait but Im wondering if there is a way I can help. I have not met them yet so I would love advice on meeting them too. Thank you

[Boo]

If they disapprove there is pretty much nothing you can do about it.

IF you are serious about him & he you, then just try to show the standards they expect in terms of dress & behavior when you are around them. I personally never did that as there is nothing wrong with who I am or how I behave & dress but if you can see the relationship progressing & it will appease some of the disapproval, then "suck it up" when you see them & toe the line.

Also if you bf isn't supporting you to his family then he isn't worth being with.

[8infinity8]

Thank you Boo. I think you are right that I can just be as respectful as possible of their standards. I am for sure interested in marrying my boyfriend but I dont want it to come at the cost of him loosing connection with his family. He is 100% supportive of me and our relationship but he has always done what he wanted and not worried about his family. I, on the other hand, am more concerned with his family. We are planning a family together and I would just love his family to be involved. I have lived in Thailand for almost 4 years now and I am used to respecting the culture. It helps that I adore learning and adapting to other cultures.

[spidermike007]

Move on. Find another man. It is not worth it. Family is too important to the average Thai. This will always be an issue. Give him his walking papers this evening. Not worth wasting another day with this. Unless he is willing to write off his family, but chances are he would end up being a sad sap. Why get involved with someone who has parents that have such small minds and such tiny hearts?

[8infinity8]

Thanks for your input Spidermike007 I have wondered if this is the best option but from what I know of this man he is very open minded and has the biggest heart I have ever had the pleasure to meet. He must have learned that at least a little bit from his parents. Im not sure it would come to writing off his family completely. I just know at this point that they were not super happy when he told them about me. I guess I can ask more questions to see how far this could go. He just told me not to worry about it at all but that is always the answer in Thailand. Some times its ben lai!

[Boo]

Thank you Boo. I think you are right that I can just be as respectful as possible of their standards. I am for sure interested in marrying my boyfriend but I dont want it to come at the cost of him loosing connection with his family. He is 100% supportive of me and our relationship but he has always done what he wanted and not worried about his family. I, on the other hand, am more concerned with his family. We are planning a family together and I would just love his family to be involved. I have lived in Thailand for almost 4 years now and I am used to respecting the culture. It helps that I adore learning and adapting to other cultures.

My mil doesn't disapprove but I'm pretty sure she would have been happier if he had married a thai women purely on a cultural level & the fact he would have stayed in Thailand. That said she thinks the sun shines out my behind as I "tamed" her wayward son truth being, I got him at the end of his wild child days & it was a case of perfect timing.

It is possible they are concerned you are going to drag him off to another country & they will lose their son, it could be that they don't know anything about foreigners beyond movies & are worried you are some crazy slut or uncouth white trash. Either way, until you meet them face to face there is little point in worrying.

Have you asked your bf what exactly it is they disapprove of?

That you bf is supportive & independent is great, it shows he isn't like many thai/Chinese people who will bow to family pressure no matter the cost to their own happiness.

Do you want me to move this to the ladies forum?

[8infinity8]

Boo, Thanks again. I am feeling hopeful. I think his mother also thinks he is the most wonderful son on the planet. He says his mom is a perfect angel. I am very interested in meeting them and I dont want to take their son away at all. I would actually prefer to move closer to his family for when we have children. I also met him when he was ready to settle down and "tame his wild ways" I think I am the most lucky woman in the world to have this perfect timing. I will take your advice and ask him a few more questions when the time is right. Thank you again and please feel free to move this post to any appropriate forum

[Rajhulmaheesh]

Tame his wild ways? Maybe the parents see you as a promiscous women-just another notch on his belt. You need to do a lot of convincing AND dont forget the condoms.

[8infinity8]

hehe I hear what you are saying but by wild I did not mean in that way. He is just an independent person and always has been. He has spent many years travelling and has not been interested in the conventional life until recently. I definitely have no part in taming him. Then again I dont know for sure what his parents think. Good things to ask.

[petermik]

I had the same problem except I,m male and g/f chinese/thai she earned a large salary in BKK and momma didn,t want to lose the benefits.........I lost but what the hell there are plenty of others............sorry but family/money in Thailand is number one.............you are in for a tough time sadly but good luck.

[manarak]

Boo, Thanks again. I am feeling hopeful. I think his mother also thinks he is the most wonderful son on the planet. He says his mom is a perfect angel. I am very interested in meeting them and I dont want to take their son away at all. I would actually prefer to move closer to his family for when we have children. I also met him when he was ready to settle down and "tame his wild ways" I think I am the most lucky woman in the world to have this perfect timing. I will take your advice and ask him a few more questions when the time is right. Thank you again and please feel free to move this post to any appropriate forum

Hmmm...

As far as I know, Thai-Chinese families are less racist than they are concerned with status, the latter coming from money or a title/position.

I think his family could offer less resistance if you could show enough status to make them feel comfortable with telling all their friends (i.e. network) about you.

Another thing I learned is that the "status" doesn't need to be the real thing, often appearances are enough - depends on how much you want him :-)

[8infinity8]

Wow, great advice thank you soo much. I have some ideas. And he is the kind of man Im willing to do what it takes for. ,)

[villagefarang]

I have known lots of couples who started off with disapproving in-laws but over time became close to them. They have a reasonable fear of the unknown but if their fears do not become a reality and their son is happy they will most likely come around. Grandchildren sometimes make things better but can make things worse if parenting styles are too different. A lot depends on how supportive your bf is.

It is not really Thai style to sit around discussing this for hours on end. Simply act as if you have heard nothing and expect everyone to love you. Be pleasant but not pushy and read the situation for yourself and then discuss how you feel with your bf. No use speculating in advance because each situation is different.

[8infinity8]

Thank you Villagefarang. You make some good points that I need to remember. Sometimes I fall into old patterns of discussing things that are really not worth discussing. If the right time comes up I may ask a question here or there of my BF but other then that I think you are right. Remembering that we are happy and I am a good person and not worrying about the rest is a good plan. As for my parenting style… I have a lot of ideas but from what I have seen of Thai babies I am sooo ready to learn. They are almost always so happy and well adjusted so I think I will be happy to learn from his mom.

[lor]

Never had a relationship with a Thai Chinese, but I did with a Chinese girl. The Chinese are Very racist and hate their girls seeing Farangs.

Her father offered me a load of money to just go away. I refused saying I loved his daughter not his money. The next day she was sent away to stay with an uncle at the other side of the country!

If a Chinese girl gets involved with a Farang she is referred to as a "Banana", Yellow on the outside and white on the inside.

I used to work very closely with the Chinese community and saw this many times.

Chris

[manarak]

Never had a relationship with a Thai Chinese, but I did with a Chinese girl. The Chinese are Very racist and hate their girls seeing Farangs.

Her father offered me a load of money to just go away. I refused saying I loved his daughter not his money. The next day she was sent away to stay with an uncle at the other side of the country!

If a Chinese girl gets involved with a Farang she is referred to as a "Banana", Yellow on the outside and white on the inside.

I used to work very closely with the Chinese community and saw this many times.

Chris

Yes, but...

Status can bridge these problems.

Singapore is 80% Chinese and some are very conservative.

I have worked there in the financial industry, and Western top-managers are clearly more easily accepted as husbands, especially when earning seven figures, 555.

[Rajhulmaheesh]

This girl worries me. Everything is she will bring it up at the right time. The right time is now or else you may be wasting everyones time.

Another thing we need to know is boy employed or is he trust fund baby. Id stay away from a trust fund baby as his parents will have ALL the power over you and you trust fund baby.

[8infinity8]

No we both work and he is a very hard worker.

[bina]

hmmm... the fact that he thinks his mom 'is an angel' and she 'thinks he is the greatest'... well then i hear bells ringing... from other chinese /hong kong families that i know here (middle class christian actually) i understand that although he might be understanding now but when u have children, there maybe much more interferance and 'bowing down' to parental (mother) wishes... chinese moms are similar it seems to what we in israel call 'polish mothers' - the world revolves around their children especially the son/first born, and they are also demanding and controlling ... not to say this family is that way but culture doesn make a difference especially if u will be living close by, and when there are grandkids nearby... for the thai chinese the status and 'nationality' are both important, but as boo pointed out, dress and behavior will help smooth things. the qustion is how much u will want to confrom to their style of things in the future... and how much you are willing to pressure your 'at the moment, compliant' boyfriend when reality of family pressure hits... good luck either way

[FritsSikkink]

Learn to read and write Thai so you can better communicate with the family.

[Rajhulmaheesh]

Thank you Villagefarang. You make some good points that I need to remember. Sometimes I fall into old patterns of discussing things that are really not worth discussing. If the right time comes up I may ask a question here or there of my BF but other then that I think you are right. Remembering that we are happy and I am a good person and not worrying about the rest is a good plan. As for my parenting style… I have a lot of ideas but from what I have seen of Thai babies I am sooo ready to learn. They are almost always so happy and well adjusted so I think I will be happy to learn from his mom.

Thai babies are so well-adjusted? You may want to rethink that position.

Not that im prcreating but if i ever did the last place on earth i would want to raise a child is in THAILAND.

[transam]

Live your own life...............Nobody else's business.....

[krisb]

Agree with Transam.

If they don't accept you it's there problem.

Reminds me if a friend of mine. The in-laws whole attitudes turned around once a grandchild came along.

[advancebooking]

my in laws were not that fond of me to start with but slowly it becomes better. They have noticed that Im not a low class farang...

[prakhonchai nick]

Move on. Find another man. It is not worth it. Family is too important to the average Thai. This will always be an issue. Give him his walking papers this evening. Not worth wasting another day with this. Unless he is willing to write off his family, but chances are he would end up being a sad sap. Why get involved with someone who has parents that have such small minds and such tiny hearts?

Why move on?

She wants to marry the son, not the parents! It is their lives that matter! ,,,,,,,,,, &*^@ the parents!

Good luck to you infinity 8

[spidermike007]

Move on. Find another man. It is not worth it. Family is too important to the average Thai. This will always be an issue. Give him his walking papers this evening. Not worth wasting another day with this. Unless he is willing to write off his family, but chances are he would end up being a sad sap. Why get involved with someone who has parents that have such small minds and such tiny hearts?

Why move on?

She wants to marry the son, not the parents! It is their lives that matter! ,,,,,,,,,, &*^@ the parents!

Good luck to you infinity 8

Because very few Thais are able to divorce themselves from their families, or look their folks in the eyes, and tell them they are behaving ridiculously. Because these tiny people will cause their son and his woman, endless pain and suffering. Because the bigotry they possess will not go away. Because life is too short to make a life with someone who belongs to such a dark hearted clan. I have fifty more reasons. Leave. Today. No hesitation. Get those bags packed. Say your goodbyes.

[prakhonchai nick]

Move on. Find another man. It is not worth it. Family is too important to the average Thai. This will always be an issue. Give him his walking papers this evening. Not worth wasting another day with this. Unless he is willing to write off his family, but chances are he would end up being a sad sap. Why get involved with someone who has parents that have such small minds and such tiny hearts?

Why move on?

She wants to marry the son, not the parents! It is their lives that matter! ,,,,,,,,,, &*^@ the parents!

Good luck to you infinity 8

Because very few Thais are able to divorce themselves from their families, or look their folks in the eyes, and tell them they are behaving ridiculously. Because these tiny people will cause their son and his woman, endless pain and suffering. Because the bigotry they possess will not go away. Because life is too short to make a life with someone who belongs to such a dark hearted clan. I have fifty more reasons. Leave. Today. No hesitation. Get those bags packed. Say your goodbyes.

I disagree entirely, having had an interracial relationship in the UK 40 years ago. I stood my ground with my parents (my father in particular) and they ended up not only respecting my decision, but adoring my girlfriend once they realised the happiness she gave me!

If however the man puts his parents first in this situation, he is showing considerable weakness, and Infinity 8 would indeed be better without him.

[Gentmartin]

Please marry him and insist on a HUGE sinsot........a small falang victory but an important victory of principle !!

Joking apart, as others have said, male children are number 1 in family eyes, especially Thai/Chinese. Id suspect unless hell freezes over, or the police stop taking back handers (whichever comes first, my money is on hell freezing), you will have a constant battle with his mum for life.....

BUT.

To hell with anyone's advice, follow your heart, do what makes you happy and don't take any sh1t,,,,,good luck and best wishes to you both :-)

Edited January 30, 2015 by Gentmartin

[SGX]

Depends on the class of person he is.

If "Status" or his parents revolve in the elite social circles . Your relationship has a very high probability of not working out. No matter what you say or do. he will know this

Thai elite is all about whos who (like any social circle) they do not tolerate mixed marriages for the kids no matter what they tell you face to face.

Good luck but i wouldnt push the marriage bandwagon too hard.

[SGX]

Move on. Find another man. It is not worth it. Family is too important to the average Thai. This will always be an issue. Give him his walking papers this evening. Not worth wasting another day with this. Unless he is willing to write off his family, but chances are he would end up being a sad sap. Why get involved with someone who has parents that have such small minds and such tiny hearts?

Why move on?

She wants to marry the son, not the parents! It is their lives that matter! ,,,,,,,,,, &*^@ the parents!

Good luck to you infinity 8

Because very few Thais are able to divorce themselves from their families, or look their folks in the eyes, and tell them they are behaving ridiculously. Because these tiny people will cause their son and his woman, endless pain and suffering. Because the bigotry they possess will not go away. Because life is too short to make a life with someone who belongs to such a dark hearted clan. I have fifty more reasons. Leave. Today. No hesitation. Get those bags packed. Say your goodbyes.

I disagree entirely, having had an interracial relationship in the UK 40 years ago. I stood my ground with my parents (my father in particular) and they ended up not only respecting my decision, but adoring my girlfriend once they realised the happiness she gave me!

If however the man puts his parents first in this situation, he is showing considerable weakness, and Infinity 8 would indeed be better without him.

No thai can think for themselves, they controlled by parents usually the mother.