mrvietnam2001 Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Are there any members with large age gaps who are married ( or not) and have children or are having children with your mate? I'm 49, my Vietnamese wife is 25 and we just learned she is pregnant ( second time in 8 months). We've been together 3 years and returned to the USA about a year ago. I made the decision to return primarily because I got my brains beat in ( in a financial sense) in Asia. Came back and was WORRIED for awhile, then started rebuilding the business, bought a house, and financially, things are going well. But am full of mixed emotions after finding out about the new pregnancy ( last night). We chose abortion on the first one, which was 8 months ago. There was just no way to take on that responsibility at that time and I was actually hoping to re-visit this in 2005, but looks like that's been pushed up. I'm wondering if anyone here is in a similar scenario and if you would be willing to have a dialogue about the positives and negatives. Rgrds Mr Vietnam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tutsiwarrior Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 my wife here in Thailand has a dozen or so nieces and nephews but they are not available to be cooked and eaten.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boon Mee Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 >3 Changs again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluecat Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 I'm 49, my Vietnamese wife is 25 and we just learned she is pregnant ( second time in 8 months). But am full of mixed emotions after finding out about the new pregnancy ( last night). We chose abortion on the first one, which was 8 months ago. You asked your partner to abort a few months ago because you are not ready and you get another one a few months later,... What are you thinking or doing exactly? Mixed emotions is a very light way of putting it. For me, the problem is quite simple, she wants a child, you do not want. So either you stay with her and take "precautions" or you accept the fact that you will be a father,... But please, please, do not screw that girl life by making her abort each time she gets a child you liked to make but not to have,... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yohan Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 I do not think, that your question has anything to do with the age gap. The question is: Do you both want your own children or not? If you both agree and your both reply is NO, then go ahead with a second abortion. If you both agree and your both reply is YES, then this should be already the second child. If you think NO, and your wife thinks YES, then I would recommend your wife carries the child out and you should take the responsibility for it: the wife alone cannot become pregnant, there must have been a productive guy with her at that very moment. You should accept the decision of your wife, otherwise if you push her into abortion, your marriage will suffer in future..... Age gap is not an argument, my Japanese friend has 3 children and is 60, and the wife is Thai and is 23.... I do not know about any marriage between a Caucasian man and an Asian girl, which failed because of the age gap, more the opposite, I would say. The age gap however requires some additional planning, you do not have that time available what young couples have if they are both of about same age and planning about a family life... So go ahead and do not waste time..... Out of natural reasons, your departure should be earlier compared to a husband, whose wife is about the same age... You should talk with your wife about it and prepare for wife and children some securities, like housing, savings, life insurances, so that they are not helpless, should you suddenly not be anymore in this world.... I personally recommend you to go the same way, what my wife and I did: 2 children - and this is it..... child No.3 - no way.... fully agreed by both of us.... In your case I think, you should not worry too much, go ahead and prepare for a family.... Congratulation! Johann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nat Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Hi MrVietnam Your wife has experienced a trauma both physically and psychologically only 8 months ago by having an abortion - do you think she can handle it again so soon? It is really up to you as a couple/partnership to decide what to do, but keep in mind that your wife's body is going to have to undergo the procedure which not only can be painful, emotionally distressing, but can lead to infections and problems in future pregnancies (if you decide you want children) - women who have had an abortion are 5 times more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy. Best to discuss with her what you both want and really wish you all the best ps abortion should be the last method of birth control Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcr Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 Abortion, as a method of birth control? You should be ashamed of yourself. You don't deserve to be in the position you are now in, when 1000's of couples are unable to have children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrvietnam2001 Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 I do not think, that your question has anything to do with the age gap.The question is: Do you both want your own children or not? If you both agree and your both reply is NO, then go ahead with a second abortion. If you both agree and your both reply is YES, then this should be already the second child. If you think NO, and your wife thinks YES, then I would recommend your wife carries the child out and you should take the responsibility for it: the wife alone cannot become pregnant, there must have been a productive guy with her at that very moment. You should accept the decision of your wife, otherwise if you push her into abortion, your marriage will suffer in future..... Age gap is not an argument, my Japanese friend has 3 children and is 60, and the wife is Thai and is 23.... I do not know about any marriage between a Caucasian man and an Asian girl, which failed because of the age gap, more the opposite, I would say. The age gap however requires some additional planning, you do not have that time available what young couples have if they are both of about same age and planning about a family life... So go ahead and do not waste time..... Out of natural reasons, your departure should be earlier compared to a husband, whose wife is about the same age... You should talk with your wife about it and prepare for wife and children some securities, like housing, savings, life insurances, so that they are not helpless, should you suddenly not be anymore in this world.... I personally recommend you to go the same way, what my wife and I did: 2 children - and this is it..... child No.3 - no way.... fully agreed by both of us.... In your case I think, you should not worry too much, go ahead and prepare for a family.... Congratulation! Johann Thanks Johann, much obliged. Not sure if the underlying fear is from a possible failure of the relationship, but certainly that's something that "could" be buried in the back of my brain. It will have to be dealt with obviously. What's your age if you don't mind me asking? Your wifes age? When did you and she create those lives? I have started with the planning. I bought life insurance, as well as a house and am planning on getting a bigger house now. I was pretty well off when I was a single guy. Lost a lot. Am really in the rebuilding stage now so this is not the best timing in the world. But, the underlying feeling is yes, we both want this. Just a little premature. Thanks a lot for your input. It's helpful. Rgrds Mr Vietnam ( Tom) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tutsiwarrior Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 in all seriousness I agree with Nat...a woman that I was with for a long time 20 years ago was pregnant twice and both of us agreed that we weren't prepared for the responsibility. The third time was an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in her losing the function of one of her ovaries (it was removed). We later split up and she never did have kids although she wanted them and would have been a good mother to them. It was damage that I always blamed myself for afterwards... do the right thing...if you don't want kids use protection... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrvietnam2001 Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 Hi MrVietnamYour wife has experienced a trauma both physically and psychologically only 8 months ago by having an abortion - do you think she can handle it again so soon? It is really up to you as a couple/partnership to decide what to do, but keep in mind that your wife's body is going to have to undergo the procedure which not only can be painful, emotionally distressing, but can lead to infections and problems in future pregnancies (if you decide you want children) - women who have had an abortion are 5 times more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy. Best to discuss with her what you both want and really wish you all the best ps abortion should be the last method of birth control Both of us did and yes I am aware of the risks. Did you see that I asked for information about abortion? Do you have children? Are you in a wide gaped aged difference with your partner and have children? If not then I would appreciate it if you would kindly back off as you have no credibility. If you do then any intelligent dialogue would be appreciated. I really don't have time for jerks. Mr Vietnam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinN Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 I was 62 when my last child was born and the mother was 38,she wanted an abortion and I said no,You have it and I will take it and not cause you any trouble,,she had the kid,and after a few months the dependant checks started to come in and she found out about the income,, we were seperated,she is a mexican national. The child and I moved to the states and then the mother got a visa on the strength of her marriage to me,which was fraud because her marriage to me was no good because she was still married to a mex at the time,so anyway the custody battle started as she wanted the kid so she could get the dependant checks,she ended up after the child was almost 6 years old getting the child and we were living here.I raised her alone for the first 5 years of her life. There is things I would do different,but having the child would not be one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrvietnam2001 Posted March 28, 2004 Author Share Posted March 28, 2004 The child and I moved to the states and then the mother got a visa on the strength of her marriage to me,which was fraud because her marriage to me was no good because she was still married to a mex at the time,so anyway the custody battle started as she wanted the kid so she could get the dependant checks,she ended up after the child was almost 6 years old getting the child and we were living here.I raised her alone for the first 5 years of her life.There is things I would do different,but having the child would not be one of them. Wow Kevin, so sorry to hear that. What do you mean "having the chile would not be one of them"? Where is he/she ( the child) now? Rgrds TP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
george Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 A couple of posts were removed by admin because of personal attacks, member complaints. /Admin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yohan Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 What's your age if you don't mind me asking? Your wifes age? When did you and she create those lives?I have started with the planning. I bought life insurance, as well as a house and am planning on getting a bigger house now. I was pretty well off when I was a single guy. Lost a lot. Am really in the rebuilding stage now so this is not the best timing in the world. You should check my homepage, and there you can see us all. The Japanese Immigration told me that I am an exception. I am married since 1976 and we are both 52 years old now. My older daughter is 25, living near Tokyo, my younger daughter, 22 yrs, married an US-citizen and is living in Hawaii. Looking at all my co-workers and friends here in Tokyo, I am really an exception, as all of my friends are in their 50 or 60s and have a very young Asian wife... often with children, and again I can say, that age gap seems not to be a problem between a Caucasian man and an Asian woman. I do not know about a single divorce out of that. Family life seems to work out. Timing: You should just go ahead...You do not have the time anymore, to think about. It is good to hear, that you are aware of the age gap, which requires you to decide quicker......If you start to delay again, then you will be 80 and your wife still will run from abortion to abortion.... makes no sense. So make a family first, with 2 children, and then... if it happens again (happened also with us) it is easy for both, man and wife to decide that you do not want children anymore..... Telling you openly, that I am not really that, what you might call a faithful husband (Planet of Love banned me already for my postings) - I am also into some nightlife in Thailand and Japan, but as a man you need somebody, who is a stable point in your life. To be single and to make your life out with bargirls and similar contacts is not that, what I would call a permanent solution of your life - you need somebody to trust and who is with you for all time. Family in that sense is difficult to replace with some bar-girl connection. You decided already for the young girl - so you must accept also children out of your marriage. I think the only way, you can avoid own children is, if you decide to marry (as a 50 year old man) a woman, who already has children and is not so young. If you are willing to marry a woman, around 40s (then she is still 10 years younger than you are) - then her children are likely to grown up already and not with the mother anymore...even if living with her, they will leave earlier your home than if you have a young wife with your own children. Usually all women want children after marriage, and I know only about one case (European man 50 years old, Thai wife, 22 years old) and both agreed to the following BEFORE they married: 1- they like animals so much ( their home smells terrible) 2- they both are heavy smokers (about 100 cigarettes a day) 3- they never want their own children (worked out, now 10 years married, no children! But plenty of animals and still smoking cigarettes all the time) Johann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
george Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 FYI: Please be advised that abortions are illegal in Thailand, and we don't want *any* discussion about that subject in this forum. Thanks for your support and understanding. /Admin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 mrvietnam2001 Posted on Sun 2004-03-28, 16:03:54 QUOTE (Nat @ Sun 2004-03-28, 15:45:08) Hi MrVietnam Your wife has experienced a trauma both physically and psychologically only 8 months ago by having an abortion - do you think she can handle it again so soon? It is really up to you as a couple/partnership to decide what to do, but keep in mind that your wife's body is going to have to undergo the procedure which not only can be painful, emotionally distressing, but can lead to infections and problems in future pregnancies (if you decide you want children) - women who have had an abortion are 5 times more likely to have an ectopic pregnancy. Best to discuss with her what you both want and really wish you all the best ps abortion should be the last method of birth control Both of us did and yes I am aware of the risks. Did you see that I asked for information about abortion? Do you have children? Are you in a wide gaped aged difference with your partner and have children? If not then I would appreciate it if you would kindly back off as you have no credibility. If you do then any intelligent dialogue would be appreciated. I really don't have time for jerks. Mr Vietnam MrV, Nat is one of the female posters on this forum & a regular on here, she is neither a jerk, nor without credibility. She is a woman & all women know what their body is capable of. Having 2 abortions in such a short amount of time can cause considerable stress on the female reproductive organs as well as emotionally & CAN in some instances cause the woman to have probelms conceiving in the future. I would suggest that you consult with your GP in the states & get a professional opinion & also discuss options with your wife. I feel bad for your situation & know it must be streesful & painful but only you & your wife can decide what course to take & I sincerly hope that you reach a happy conclusion for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davethailand Posted March 28, 2004 Share Posted March 28, 2004 i live in thailand and i'm married to the best women i have ever met. i would love kids but my wife cannot have them and she's 29 years old, i married her knowing this but maybe with luck and alot of money we might do it one day, nevertheless i still chose to be with her and i will honour that. her two kids from a thai boyfriend are living with us and i'm fine with that. i've had girlfriends in england that have had abortions (not all my decision) but don,t look at this as an easy way out. i'm not that old and at the moment i have'nt got the choice of whether i want a baby or not, i probably have'nt even got a 30% hope, you have, don't ruin her future chances for the sake of contraception. good luck to you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoCal Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Tom, Don't listen at all to these guys passing judgement. They don't know you and are just talking out of their as*es. It may not be the exact time you want, albeit better than last time, and it is certainly a huge responsibility for many years to come, but think you have to leave it to her. You have lived a little longer than her, and had quite a few more experiences (believe you have a grown child), but she should have her own wants and needs, which you need to respect. After all you did marry her, and should have thought about this at the onset. Well best wishes to you both at this hard or joyous time, guess it depends on which way you go, but the thoughts and wishes are with you none the less. Nick PS- For god's sake, go snip snip after you reach your decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevinN Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Mr.V; What I meant was that I am very comfortable with my decision to raise the child,It was pobly the best,most enjoyable 5 years of my life, doing for the child,teaching her and watching her grow into a young lady,Her first day at school, nursing her when she was sick,even after the mother came to the states and got visitation a couple of days a week,she would always bring the child back or not take her if she was sick,"She is better with you when she sick". I never was home when my first family of 3 kids grew up and was off working around the world and didn't even know them and now both my sons are dead. Her and I restored 2 cars,A 79 Mk. 5 and a 72 Dodge Dart Swinger,and built a 35 Ford pickup "street Rod" and her help will never be forgotten,it is really something to have an 18 month old child under a car helping you or burying your hand tools in the flower bed. when we came to Thailand,the mother went with a free lawyer to the judge,had my custody changed to her and they forced me to return her to the mother even tho she is an illegal alien in the USA, and now I am hearing reports that the child is getting poor grades in school and not happy at all.The mother has no time for a child,they interfere with your life,but she does enjoy the $620 per month checks from social security. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcr Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 George, of course he's gone to have personal attacks, what does he expect posting a comment like this? And it was him that started them calling people idiots. I like KevinN bought up 2 kids on my own for 10 years, after thier mother left us. My youngest was only 3 when she cleared off with another man. It was bloody hard work, and last year they decided to go back to live with mum. I couldn't think about them not being around, even though I was not ready for kids when she first fell pregnant, we never considered termination. They are two good kids now, my eldest is now 17, and just left school looking to start his first job in the UK, youngest is 13 still at school. You can't play god like this with lives. If you don't want kids have the snip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yohan Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 FYI: Please be advised that abortions are illegal in Thailand, and we don't want *any* discussion about that subject in this forum.Thanks for your support and understanding. /Admin Administrator George feels uncomfortable to discuss family relations, which might include abortion. - Maybe he is worried about trolls, feminists, and other aggressive groups, which might disturb this discussion. This should be respected, as he is the administrator and responsible for this board. You all are invited to discuss abortion-related subjects and other sensitive family problems with your European/Asian husband/wife by using the messageboard of my friend, which is made for European/American men and their Asian wives..... Just look up my homepage (link is in my profil) for more information. We both are Germany/Austria + China/Japan related and abortion and free discussion about that subject is legal in these countries. To avoid confrontation with the administrator, I think, it is better to move that subject out of Thaivisa-Forum. It should be noticed, that an open discussion in an internet-forum about abortion is NOT illegal in Thailand. Johann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adjan jb Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 FYI: Please be advised that abortions are illegal in Thailand, and we don't want *any* discussion about that subject in this forum. George, are you sure that abortions are illegal in Thailand ?????????????????????? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yohan Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Abortion, as a method of birth control? You should be ashamed of yourself. You don't deserve to be in the position you are now in, when 1000's of couples are unable to have children. Please follow the administrators advice... I gave already a suggestion, where you can post your opinion. But be aware, that there are a lot of people, who will strongly disagree with your opinion. Do not use abusive language against people, who think different from your opinion, or you will receive something similar abusive in return. Please post using serious arguments. Johann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yohan Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 George, of course he's gone to have personal attacks, what does he expect posting a comment like this? And it was him that started them calling people idiots. You are also attacking other people.... read your own postings.... Sounds like from a man, who cannot discuss sensitive subjects calmly, if other people have an other opinion and disagree with you. I hope, Administrator George remains calm, and I say again, I recommend to move this subject called *family plan including abortion* to another forum. I recommend Administrator George to lock this thread. Johann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrvietnam2001 Posted March 29, 2004 Author Share Posted March 29, 2004 Tom,Don't listen at all to these guys passing judgement. They don't know you and are just talking out of their as*es. It may not be the exact time you want, albeit better than last time, and it is certainly a huge responsibility for many years to come, but think you have to leave it to her. You have lived a little longer than her, and had quite a few more experiences (believe you have a grown child), but she should have her own wants and needs, which you need to respect. After all you did marry her, and should have thought about this at the onset. Well best wishes to you both at this hard or joyous time, guess it depends on which way you go, but the thoughts and wishes are with you none the less. Nick PS- For god's sake, go snip snip after you reach your decision. Socal, I'll see you on Destination Vietnam. I'm outta here. I wondered if there would be any intelligent dialogue here and it's no wonder now, is it. The idiots post about abortion. How small of them. Kevin, Johan, you know where my group is. I should have just left it there . Thank you for the postives. We have 8 months to go. See you at DV. Mr Vietnam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
francois Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 hi' sorry ... I don't like this thread! talking about life and plans could be done with financial purpose, you are doing the same with "LIFE" ... GROW UP! a child in your life is the most wondeful thing that can happen to you, and you start talking about abortion even before to talk about birth ... yes, grow-up and be ready to be a father or a mother, that's what life is all about. abortion should be the last method of birth control it is not and should never be a birth control! I do agree that it has to be used in some cases, but let's face it, how many serious cases are to be considered? "we don't want this child" is a little short! a little irresponsible for the least. but, I do think too, that there are some people unable to raise children ... so, may be better for them not to have any. having a child is surely one of the most nice step you can make in your life. does anyone disagree? francois Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davethailand Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 hi'sorry ... I don't like this thread! talking about life and plans could be done with financial purpose, you are doing the same with "LIFE" ... GROW UP! a child in your life is the most wondeful thing that can happen to you, and you start talking about abortion even before to talk about birth ... yes, grow-up and be ready to be a father or a mother, that's what life is all about. abortion should be the last method of birth control it is not and should never be a birth control! I do agree that it has to be used in some cases, but let's face it, how many serious cases are to be considered? "we don't want this child" is a little short! a little irresponsible for the least. but, I do think too, that there are some people unable to raise children ... so, may be better for them not to have any. having a child is surely one of the most nice step you can make in your life. does anyone disagree? francois i agree with francois, it is completely irresponsible. if any thinks i'm talking out of my arse, they can kiss it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adjan jb Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 FYI: Please be advised that abortions are illegal in Thailand, and we don't want *any* discussion about that subject in this forum. George, are you sure that abortions are illegal in Thailand ?????????????????????? Please, can anyone answer this question ? I'm a little bit confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boo Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 As per Georges request, and the original poster stating that he wishes for it to go no further, this topic is now closed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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