Am I on the way to ruining my life?....... or am I on the way to bliss?

[F4UCorsair]

Here we go.......another sucker.

That's what she'll be saying.

[LukKrueng]

You are contemplating three important life decisions that are unnecessarily intertwined.

If are truly finished with your current marriage take care of that in your home country - independent of any other commitment or decision.

Then work out if you can live in Thailand on a permanent basis - on your own with your current funds - chances are you will not be permitted by law to work in Thailand, and definitely NOT in a "family" restaurant..

Give yourself plenty of time (6-12 months at least) when in Thailand to be sure IF you can live in the LoS.

One very important decision is WHERE will you live? - Thailand lifestyle differs greatly depending on where you are in this country. Move around take your time and decide WHERE if at all, Thailand suits you.

If that goes well, by all means contemplate a relationship with a Thai woman, on your terms and your time-frame.

Rent everything - don't make any major financial decision until you are 100% sure this place is for YOU.

Most of the advice you have read here is 100% spot on - IMO, you are exhibiting all the traits of someone who is about to make a very BIG mistake.

Nice advise, but you kinda miss the point... OP is not looking for a relationship with "a Thai woman", but actually a SPECIFIC person. The person he likes already has a home in a specific place, so the selection or checking out all around Thailand is not relevant to his case. OP is not contemplating moving to Thailand and try to find if THAILAND is good for him or not, but is actually interested in establishing a relationship with a Thai person and for her he is willing to come over here, spend the time to learn the language thoroughly which will of course enable him to understand the culture and the Thai way of life much better than so many members in this forum who basically resent the country and the people.

[The Man Who Sold the World]

Outofbalance;

You have seen the usual posted warnings – run, run far and run fast.

You seem to have though it out and realize that your time and money invested may well be for naught.

You realize the downside and I expect since you have found this sight you have had your fill of “bargirl uses falang as ATM machine" stories. That being said, I have found the Thai’s to be people, all shapes, sizes and varieties, the good, the bad, and the ugly. People who do right by you and people who will take you for every penny. No different from any other race or nationality.

So, here comes the schrodinger's cat theorem – you won’t know until you try. Entirely up to you, keep in mind you may well lose everything you have invested, both financially and emotionally. However, you may well hit the proverbial “homerun” and win a happy life.

My advice to you – first you must clean up the uhm… “mess” you have at home. If you decide to proceed with the Thai adventure you must dissolve you current marriage and all legal and financial issues you have at home.

Second – you must rethink the whole proposition. Be very careful. Treat it as a business decision removing the emotional baggage. After you have done a thorough business analysis - and you still want to pursue it – go ahead, give it a try.

Nothing ventured nothing gained – but do not lose sight of the fact that you may well lose Everything you have invested.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but, do choose carefully.

[MaeJoMTB]

Nice advise, but you kinda miss the point... OP is not looking for a relationship with "a Thai woman", but actually a SPECIFIC person.

Nah, OP is just looking for sex. It's part of being an English man over 40, no sex for you in the UK.

Like most newbs, hasn't realized yet it's easily available over here and with much younger women.

[LostDemocracy]

I would not recommend getting serious with any Thai woman to anyone, what do you think is in it for you? if you want company get a cat or a dog!

Someone sounds bitter. I am just coming up to our 20 year anniversary. Two teenage boys, We live in the UK, she works (buys all food, her own tickets to go home, she cooks, cleans, iron, decorates etc. They are not all bad.

[Robert24]

My recommendation to you would be to

1) convince your gf to keep her job and postpone the idea of a cafe until you move to Thailand to stay with her.

2) In the meantime sort out your own life, divorce, separate whatever and make sure you protect your own assets whilst you go through this process.

3) have a look whether you can relocate to Thailand earlier than in 5 years time.

4) don't send her any money. You can promise her that you invest into a joint business when move to Thailand, however until then, no money. (with exception when you travel on your holidays)

5) and last point. When you move to Thailand, double check whether you really want a cafe as a business. As people mention, this business sector is over-supplied, a lot competition and little to no money unless you have a great/unique concept. Consider do some other business - just my view.

[Toscano]

i haven't read a single positive comment . Though I am happily? married to a Thai , school headteacher who continues to work ; Tailand is not Utopia , if you and your lady both spoke each other's language , there's little to talk about as Thais know little beyond the mundane of everyday local conversation . Others have commented on the proposed business and they are right . My wife had an early menopause and has no desire for sex and I think that is not uncommon in Thailand . " Better the devil you know than the one you don't , It takes two to tango ". My advice would be to talk to your wife , surely you were in love with her once . We can all grow stale , bored with our partners over time , you and your wife need to stir things up a bit , see if you can reignite the fire and love of youth .

Thai women are very pretty , but a snare and delusion ; they are only interested in foreign men for money , there are VERY FEW exceptions .

[theguyfromanotherforum]

I think I can offer you a good advice.

First of all, I have also met my GF on one of these penpal sites, so I am pretty sure they sign up there to find a mate, not to chit chat and waste time.

Since you already spent time together I think you have pretty much a good idea about each other.

Now, when I met my GF she was also working for a big company (Siemens) and got a payout. She wanted to open her cafe because she is good at baking cakes. Anyway, I sort of convinced her not to do it as in Thailand there is already too much competition and it really is just a waste of time. Let your GF get a payout, enjoy some free time as she is probably sick of working just like you are and with her experience she will be able to get another job easily. You will be surprised how Thai women are good at networking and getting a job is really not that difficult for them.

Finally, if you want to move to Thailand either move now or wait 5 years like you planned. I can assure you that the financing this venture long distance will end up in a disaster. You need to be together and figure out things together, From my experience Thai women are not stupid and can be reasonable and communicate. It is often men that act and do stupid.

[bazza40]

I would not recommend getting serious with any Thai woman to anyone, what do you think is in it for you? if you want company get a cat or a dog!

You're a disciple of Al "Chainsaw" Dunlap, right? Rich, but a miserable human being.

[ggt]

The lure of Thai women and unique culture has caused many a man and woman to jump ship...throwing caution to the wind...and dive headlong into a relationship that (believe me) is built primarily on a monetary premise...

Some have found what they believe to be true paradise and happiness...

Many others have sold everything at home...cut ties with their family and friends in their home country...and found that they could not maintain a steady drain on their money reserves as they become the private banker for a Thai woman, children, and family...

I know it is hard to do...but try to step back...analyze the commitment you are about to make...and make a very sober decision based on the head on your shoulder...not the one in your pants...

Good Luck!

[EnglishJohn]

Yes ! - keep your money, move to Pattaya and have yourself a different girl whenever you want to. Live on your own in a condo and have some woman do all your cleaning while you do nothing.

In just a few months, you too will have that Pattaya 'cushion stealer' belly wedged under your T-shirt and you will wander the streets on your own until the bars open. You will develop a bitter and sour look on your face and have few friends. You will need to come here to bitch at others.

You can enjoy that lifestyle until your premature death through unhealthy living.

Just like the dozens I saw when I was there.

At 55 you have this last chance to start a new life and have time to enjoy it for years to come. Tread very carefully and look for warning signs - but if you are lucky, you might find paradise (well, in comparison to what you are used to anyway).

Like someone else said though : don't plan on getting divorced and still having enough to retire.

[kinmaew]

I am sorry my friend any venture where you act effectively as an ATM machine is your queue to RUN as fast as you can. She most likely has a string of Thai either boyfriends or husbands and all the related baggage that goes with it. I feel the same way as you, why not? lets do it, but look at the alternative to loneliness, it could be a living nightmare and you could end up very dead. I would just play the field for a while or if you are serious about living there do something worthwhile like some charity or help getting to know Thais and you could possibly find a suitable mate that way.

[SunLover2]

My 2 cents:

Clean up your situation at home. Until that is finalized you do not really know or can accurately project your financial situation. IMO that will likely be more emotionally gut wrenching than you think it will, and take a whole lot longer than you think it will.

Finish your career out and then take stock of your financial position. Then spend 6-12 months in Thailand to decide if you can live there full time. If you decide to live with your Thai lady on a trial basis of course contribute towards the HOUSEHOLD bills as you would with any other SO.

Do not commit to investing in the business on an ongoing basis. Unlimited liability there. Let that be hers. If you want to GIFT her some SMALL reasonable seed money to start the business that is one thing. If you want some security for your contribution it has crossed the line from a small reasonable gift to an investment, and is therefore too much. Your Thai lady needs to have some significant skin in the game regarding her business/hobby/dream.

SL

[AZBill]

It's not the Thai women, it's you. Your choice and your values. Think long and hard before you destroy your family. Good luck.

[MaeJoMTB]

My 2 cents:

Clean up your situation at home. Until that is finalized you do not really know or can accurately project your financial situation. IMO that will likely be more emotionally gut wrenching than you think it will, and take a whole lot longer than you think it will.

Not true,

I moved to Thailand and was divorced in my absence.

No form filling, no correspondence, no trouble.

(no house either)

[Kenny202]

Without reading them all I'm guessing you had many negative replies so I thought I'd add my 2 cents as you are in a very similar position to where I found myself 3 years ago. Believe me you will be in for a hard road before you even get to Thailand visa vi the current missus, anxiety finishing your work and many other issues. Having said that I'm glad I made the break. My girl also had a house which I knew we needed to spend around $10k on to make it very comfortable which we did and very happy with the result. You get a lot of building done here for $10k! Heed the advice I have. Never invest anything in Thailand you can't afford to walk away from and that may not necasarily be because of marital problems. We are all here on Visas which means you can be ordered to leave the country at anytime possibly through no wrong doing of your own. other thing I live here by is "Thais are opportunists, don't present opportunities".

You are an older man who I assume after finishing work will have little chance of rejoining the work force or ever generating income again and you just can't afford to put yourself in a position where you put your finances a risk. Do you know what sort of outcome financially you will have with the split from your current wife. That may cost you more than you think and just wait until she knows the other lady is Asian! I don't know what sort of money you have but in my case after selling up in Australia, home, contents etc it would be very costly for me to turn around and return back home to Australia and start again at 52. And it would be hard to find meaningful employment at my age. My plan B if things didn't work out was to still live in Thailand so I'm here for good. Having said that been here for 6 months now and never missed a thing. I am very lucky that I met the right girl (Known her for 3 years, lived with her for 18 months) and she just isn't motivated by money nor do we need to support her family. Speaking of you need to be aware of what you may be getting into there. Not all Thai families are money grubbing people but they are around. You need to ask your Thai girl to clarify her expectations there. Maybe if she is in her 50's parents may not be an issue for you but brothers, cousins etc may be. You have to understand with many Thais should a family member ask for a "Loan", it may be embarrassing for your girl to refuse. My girls has no such qualms hahaha. Once you start it will never end either and you wont be looked upon as some sort of hero either.

A lot of whether you can be happy here or not will depend on your personality, flexibility Age, everything. Where you propose to live, your tolerances and your feelings for this lady.

For eg: Living in Isaan or a country village is very different to living in or near a major city / farang friendly city. For me I love living in Isaan and could never live in Pattaya or Bangkok. Having said that there are many annoyances and challenges and alternately many joys and rewards. It is harder, but not impossible sourcing the basic farang things you will need. I looked at is as a bit of a challenge. You cook as I do and I can make any sort of farang food I want to, but I also love many Thai foods. Where I am most people have never seen let alone spoken to European people and you will be a stand out wherever you go. Having ladies fawning all over you and wanting to talk to you and touch you is lovely but having drunk Thai men paw you and wanting to be your best buddy and buy them whisky and free cigarettes at any function etc will become old. I have gone to great pains to make sure I fit in with everyone and mix but you need to keep some distance or you will have a house full of people every night expecting you to provide free food and drink simply because you have money. Don't drink with Thai men, don't look at their ladies and stay out of others family squabbles. Also you will be the subject of much gossip and a possible target for people trying to collect money for all different types of purposes. A lot of that for me has died down now as I have a reputation as Kie Neow (tight arse). All in all though the simple joys for me outweigh the difficulties. By the way, I'm not a patient man by any means so if I can put up with it anyone can. I am lucky too as we don't live in the middle of the Moo Ban (Village) where people tend to live on top of each other. If you plan to live in Bangkok etc that will be a whole different kettle of fish and I can't comment on that as its not my thing or experience. Boredom maybe an issue also in the country areas if you don't have something to do. You may not have the money for expensive hobbies and for me 9 months of the year its so hot I don't want to be out the back shed knocking up some woodwork. We busy ourselves with little day trips, swimming bits and pieces but I get bored sometimes. That will depend on you. I like to keep reminding myself of the alternative....a dull job and little life back home.

The Lady. I have heard many reply saying give her the flick and find a "good" Thai lady etc. It's not that easy if you've met this girl and fallen in love with her. She has a house too so that has to be a good start. She won't be comfortable doing it but you should probe her as much as possible re her background for starters how did she fund the purchase of her house or does she have a large debt (as many do). So many of the ladies I have met here quite openly say they want to meet a farang to pay their debt. I have friends here can't get over the availability of women here, like a pig at a smorgasboard.... but they don't focus on one girl and hence are still doing the rounds. I think she has merit the fact she has a job...particularly if it is a service or government job. Internet dating scares me as there are so many sharks out there but you say you have spent time with her and I assume you have some judgement at your age :-) Many of the internet girls I have experience with will have many prospective suitors or to be more accurate wannabe suitors maybe chatting with her in the hopes of coming for a holiday etc. You need to make sure she will clear the decks and not keep any of these relationships alive as many Thai women do so she has a fall back. Also make 100% clear there are no ex husbands and if there is were they legally married and were they legally divorced. As soon as he knows she has a new farang guy on the scene he'll be sniffing around in 10 minutes and may be entitled to half of what she has...ie money you put into her house or business. Have you made it clear to her re your financial position? What are her expectations as far as money goes? Obviously you will be supporting her in some way but she needs to understand you don't have an unlimited supply of money. Some Thais have a very childlike view of money, particularly the poorer people. They just don't have the experience with money. The only experience they have with farang is on the movies and they think we all live in Disneyland and money falls from the sky. I have seen so many here live hard and work all day for the equivalent of $10 a day. Maybe win the lottery or come onto some money somehow.....its all gone in a few days on parties, free drink for friends etc showing everyone they have money. Just don't seem to have a concept of saving for tomorrow. Not all mind you but I have seen this time and time again. Money for some here is for showing off. You also need to be clear with her as far as what you are prepared to invest in her house or business. It will all be in her name and you will have to walk away from anything you buy should things go wrong. I wouldn't come here thinking you are going to find work or have a successful business. I would be thinking long and hard if you don't have the savings to live here for the rest of your life without extra income. The business she told you about sounds lovely etc and a lot will depend on your location but I see coffee shops, bakeries, cafes here open all the time probably with farang money and while the concept may work in Farangland it wont work here as wont many things. As someone said before I'm sure there are 50% of small restaurants, businesses etc here that are losing money and they don't even realise it. We sat down with the lady across the road one day...she has a noodle restaurant. Costs her 300 baht everyday to open her restaurant....ice, meat, noodles for the day etc. She on average sells about 100-200 baht. Thats not profit thats sales. So she's losing at least 200 baht but her upside is that she feeds her family the leftovers....ok if you like soup 3 times a day. I really don't think she'd thought about it before. You have to assume she probably hasn't done the math. At best a little roadside restaurant may net you around 10,000 baht a month.....just enough for even a poorish Thai to get by. Yep you are going to make somewhere really nice, better furniture etc. No one will care. They'll care that the price for every meal is 35 baht. I eat every day at those little thai restaurants and they can't possibly be making more than 5 baht a meal.

Enough from me for now but suffice to say I was in the same position as you 3 years ago. It was a battle at times but in many things I was very lucky and I am extremely happy I made the move. I have a wonderful girl and feel like I have a new start at life rather than most people my age who are sitting in mind numbing jobs planning the end of their lives. The main thing is you protect your assets and have a plan B. Don't come here throw all your money into someone or something even if you have known them a few years or think you are sure of them. If she doesn't understand that you may need to move on. There are more wonderful ladies here rather than bad, particularly in the country area but you wont meet them in the bars of Nana plaza. Heed what others are saying and be cautious. Much of what I heard on internet forums proved to be untrue in my experience but there are some legitimate horror stories out there too. But there are happy endings too and I'm guessing the people with grudges and bad experiences are more apt to go on the internet and complain than the ones who are busy enjoying their lives. Good luck with it all whatever your decision may be :-)

Edited May 21, 2015 by Kenny202

[Mr Somtam]

Love is love.

Business is business.

They don't mix well.

[zaZa9]

I asked a friend who lives here in Thailand that I hadnt seen for ages if he was still seeking out on internet dating sites , "the older independent lady with her own place" to live with and he said , "No , not any more"

He added , "Its not like home where the ex-wife can shaft us ( western men ) and be set up , Thai men keep their property in divorce and Ive dated loads of these women , and without exception they have over extended on their house and are simply looking for a bloke to help pay and finish it off "

Hes back to rental girls here , as I was when we met up

Im now settled with an ex rental girl , and the irony is she has land and a house and it was inherited , so she has paid out little to own it and Ive paid nothing out of my hard earned retirement money that was rorted by 60% by the ex

Not that I have anything to do with my current girlfriend ( shes actually 40 ) place

Its hers and in a villiage I never want to live in

Her family lives in it and of course pays no rent

We live in a tourist place and she has always got work doing laundry , waitressing or renting her 8 scooters ( 4 of which I bought for 120k to start her off )

And I have the company of farangs when I want it

AND we rent !

That means that should things go bad tomorrow I can walk away - I would be an idiot to leave myself open to another loss , even if it was 20%

As somebody said , you have yet to divorce

See how much that costs you , and dont make the same mistake twice !

Honestly , this country is full of pleasant ladies , all of whom need something

Just find one once you are here , and make sure its one that "needs" the minimum!

[Crazy chef 1]

My wifes son is 20, a big shit, I brought him up, he tells me I am a farang, not want listen to me.

Lets be careful out there eh....Wish I was years back...........

With the sofa in the kitchen...

[LNKDES1]

OP - You came to the worst possible place for advice on this I'm afraid!

In this case, no, he didn't.

[Tony125]

My advice to OP would be to first clean up his life (get the divorce) and then to decide what to do.

If OP wants to move to Thailand, the best thing to do would be to do so independently from any Woman.

Get into a situation where you are free instead of jumping from one captive situation into the next one.

Good advice

Divorce then move over here and live separately for a while.

One other thing that was not mentioned is when a business opens up here in Thailand and is successful others start opening up right next door to them.

As for advice well Thai Visa is not exactly the place to go. Read a lot of different threads and different Forums. You will notice there are a lot of Thai bashers here.

You have been in communication with her for 5 years and over to visit several times. It is not like you don't know any thing about her. That does not mean she is not running a scam on you as many like to believe but you do have some knowledge to base your decision on.

Do as manarak suggested give your self a little time independently between the two of them. It will give you a chance to see if you really want a committed relationship. I know when my first wife and I split up my thoughts were what am I going to do with out a steady mate.

Trust me there are many more successful relationships than failed ones here. We just don't open up a thread on them. Mainly it is the ones and there is a lot of them in every country that complain. We with successful relationships are what you might call the silent majority.

Think you need to re-read the OP, he has not known her for 5 years he only met her online about 2 years ago and has met her 3 times in the last 18 months.

[onionluke]

Dear Op , if you want to bake cakes thats cool.

[tolsti]

The OP registered 6 hours ago, no further post.... Wifi must be tough under a bridge

[Kenny202]

Oh by the way. For God sake don't get legally married here. By all accounts the thai courts are a lot fairer here re asset distribution but in some countries she can pursue u back in Ur own country. It's just not worth it at Ur age I don't care what anyone says

[Tony125]

I think Kenny202 's advice is spot on. You have met this girl online less than 2 years ago and only actually seen her 3 times in 18 months but the attraction is a younger, sexy, pretty woman who is probably more active than your wife who you say you are not living happily with for many years. You say the home that you AND your wife own is paid off well how much of that are you going to be able to get in a divorice especially if she proves adultary from your comments on this site and e mails they can pull off your computer showing your plans to leave her for this Thai girl.

And as for your new love I am sure she doesn't mind you working over there for 5--7 more years to guarantee a good retirement pension and sending her a good allowance every month to help her with HER business plus she only has to see you on your vacations a few times a year what a deal !

So best to ask yourself----if this doesn't work out whats the worst case situation will I be in? You probably won't be able to return home and get a good paying job and can you survive here on just the pension you will get and do you have to split part of it with your first wife

[pimf]

i haven't read a single positive comment . Though I am happily? married to a Thai , school headteacher who continues to work ; Tailand is not Utopia , if you and your lady both spoke each other's language , there's little to talk about as Thais know little beyond the mundane of everyday local conversation . Others have commented on the proposed business and they are right . My wife had an early menopause and has no desire for sex and I think that is not uncommon in Thailand . " Better the devil you know than the one you don't , It takes two to tango ". My advice would be to talk to your wife , surely you were in love with her once . We can all grow stale , bored with our partners over time , you and your wife need to stir things up a bit , see if you can reignite the fire and love of youth .

Thai women are very pretty , but a snare and delusion ; they are only interested in foreign men for money , there are VERY FEW exceptions .

Your situation is or might be a different one, Toscano. The negative comments take into consideration what has been fed to us by the OP, and that is a desaster bound to happen. Married and not divorced (left the closet) yet, met through a "penpal" site, new GF relatively "aged" with an adult son (we know what possible problems that could implicate, don't we?), an "almost paid off" house, a "unique" business idea... a cafe come on man, give me a break!!! What, for Pete's sake, could any sane person find positive in there??? Please advise.

"Am I on the way to ruining my life?" the OP asked and the answer to this is YES! People I know who hacked it here in Thailand are the ones who live here (like I do) for many, many years and who (like I) have hit rock bottom in Thailand at least once. To live a happy life here, one needs time and real life hands on experience. This you can't get by jumping at the first best relationship that pops up on the horizon and especially not if one still is bound to another marriage that need to be dissolved first. Man, how many more sane posters have to repeat all this until it gets in your "happy pink sunglasses people's" heads???

Edited May 21, 2015 by pimf

[Crazy chef 1]

Is it not depressing to ask a simple question here???

For me it sounds ok...she is past her " sell by date" age you guys want to have something to do...do it.

As long as you are not depend on the ROI things are fine...see it as a hobby

[frank0424]

Okay I will say it then: its a troll ...

Well yes. He wrote the post and hasn't responded. Probably sitting back reading our replies and laughing at how easy it is to get attention

[BusyB]

Step 1: Get divorced.

Step 2: When all the dust has settled, then you can start sorting out the financial and mental rubble.

Step 3: Step 2 should be pursued for at least 2 years before you even THINK of another woman.

Step 4: If you’ve done Step 3 properly then you will have learned to live with and love yourself. You will feel free. You will not sacrifice that freedom very easily, and certainly not for any cats in sacks. You will be blissfully happy.

Step 5: Start planning a good retirement based entirely on YOUR newly discovered values, attitudes, needs, expectations and means. It may last a long time so you better be happy!

That way you have a good chance of a happy retirement in said 5 years time.

I’m not a prophet and neither is anyone else on this thread. But if you came to me and offered me even 50% returns over the next year if I was willing to invest in your shop-house café, I’d laugh at you.

Because I am not a prophet, I also don’t know whether you are on the road to paradise or not. I do know that since I first got involved with Thailand in 2003, I have read both on TV and various other sites including Stickman (recommended: gave me a good vaccination), and seen first hand, a veritable Nepalese avalanche of misery and failure, resentment and bitterness bordering on mental illness that all started with the kinds of things you have posted at the top of this thread.

I’ve only responded because I am also within about 4 years of a modest but decent retirement that I am planning for myself. I will not compromise it. Neither should you.

Good luck.

[gyrosman]

Well, many of the reply's when you take them apart are correct.

1. Open a food joint at your age is crazy, you will be 60. enjoy what time you have left.

2, Restaurants here are copy-cats and a dime a dozen.

3. She, in her dreams wants this. But I understand she has a government job.

4. 21 year kid still at home, he'll bleed the cash flow.

5. The relatives will bleed the cash flow.

6. She has coin, let her spent her money, if she wants you, it's for you not the ATM.

Enjoy life and take her to the beach and let the kid waste her money.