Should I Get Married?

[EmptyHead]

Hello all,

So, I have been with my fiancee for about 6 years, we have a child together and are relatively happy most of the time, despite the stress of parenthood and life in general. Not the worst relationship I have had, but not a ideal either (if there is such a relationship).

Should we bother to get married? What would the effect be?

We have a house, car, and a few rai of land - all in my GF's name to (almost certainly) be inherited by our child. I virtually have nothing, myself.

No serious problems in our relationship, especially not regarding money (she gets 3k a month pocket money from me and is very happy when I give it to her...she doesn't ask for anything more...she probably spends most of it on our kid) and her family are great as well. They only seem to want me to provide for their daughter and make her happy and don't want anything else. In fact, they give us more than we give them. They have never asked for a single satang.

We spoke in the past about gettig married, but now I think what's the point? And she doesn't seem to think its too important either, though she likes to use my last name on social media. We have even said once or twice (in anger) we wouldn't get married during an argument, but then afterward we are back to normal.

I am realistic, I know things change and can get complicated. I would hate to get married and later regret it. Though, if it was important to her, I may consider it.

I am just thinking...what would be the benefit? Would it make things better? Worse?

Any insights from people who are or have been married?

Cheers

[CharlieH]

If it aint broke dont try to fix it !.

[zeichen]

If you have sorted all the logistical things already not being married, then I don't see why. You seem to be fine living in mortal sin and passing that to your bastard child. LOL. Well that is what my great grandma might have said. This is definitely a different time and there is no stigma or benefit really. Most people view marriage differently. A lot of younger generation here have a religious ceremony and a reception but don't actually get married at the Amphur. South Koreans do that also. A lot feel if the marriage ends than they have to state they were divorced but if they weren't legally married, then they don't have to tell people.

The only thing that I would think might be easier if you want your GF to get citizenship in your country or if you need it for a visa here.

For some it makes a relationship stronger for others it puts unneeded strain making them feel trapped. In all sense and purposes you are actually married though. You live together, you have a child together and you are devoted to each other isn't that what marriage is.

Marriage changed my relationship but my wife and I only dated. We didn't live together, or have a child. There is sense of permanency and full commitment. Now that we have a child it makes it even stronger. If you already feel that way and she feels that way, then what is legal marriage?

You will still fight, you will still have problems, you will still be the same two people that you are now.

Simply put, if you both want it do it, if you don't want it don't.

Whatever you do, enjoy your family.

[sdanielmcev]

No

[Aussieroaming]

Up to you two...no one else's business

[JOC]

The one that should be asking that question is really your GF!!

3k baht a month in pocket money and she even have to pretend to be overwhelmed by your generosity!!

Marry her tomorrow, you will never find another Thai woman settling for peanuts......................

[thaipod]

I recently got married after living with my girl friend for 15 years and have 1 child and lived here for longer. Not to have a wife but for if anything that happens to either of us as we have a few properties bank accounts and investments.

If you plan to be here long term I'd advise you to do the same .

[prestburypark]

3k a month, you smooth operator you. 2015 now buddy, want a happy Mrs, appreciate her a bit more and show her you value her.

Get married? You've got cheap labour to bring up you kids

If she is a fiancee there is an implicit deal that you will get married, thats what a fiancee is, someone you are betrothed to , i.e. "will you marry me, darling? "

"Yes Darling I will"

Voila, you have a fiancee.

And a deal to get married...... in the past there were breach of trust suits to people who reneged on deals like that.

If you are happy and love your partner and want the best for you kids, how is getting married going to hurt anything...it will sure give her big face too.

I would dig a bit deeper financially mate , really 3k baht a month?? Unreal.

[MichaelJohn]

From the little I know about women (and particularly Thai women) your GF will want to be married; it offers her security and commitment.

I personally think it's better for your child too (but that's just me).

Finally, what have you got to lose? She has all the assets so if you get married she's not suddenly getting half of everything is she? In fact you could argue that you'd be better off as you'd be entitled to something if it went wrong?!

Stick with it as it sounds like you've got things pretty good :-)

[EmptyHead]

Thanks for your comments.

To those who think I should give her more money, how much do you think is enough? Did you miss the part about her owning every single asset in our lives?

Edited May 23, 2015 by EmptyHead

[LuckyLew]

Thanks for your comments.

To those who think I should give her more money, how much do you think is enough? Did you miss the part about her owning every single asset in our lives?

Her owning assets does not help her when she goes to the mall to buy shoes

IMO I cannot see a woman really be happy on 3k a month .. does she have a job?

Have you gone thru the court process to become her legal father? it not then by

Thai law you are not considered the legal father

[Lukecan]

Up to You

[AlexRRR]

If she holds down a job she don't need any money from you, if there isn't a reason why she should have a job tell her to get one, 2015 now it's a modern world, for the blokes who like to pay there women often it's a control thing, importance of self and all that sort of stuff, I just don't get paying your gf or wife never have never will.

[Jip99]

If you are from the UK, and have paid National Insurance Contributions, there are benefits she can get in the event of your death. ONLY a wife (widow) can claim these benefits.

Similar if you had any occupational pension schemes.

[zeichen]

If his girl friend is happy with how much he gives her, why is anyone here calling him names.

I don't give my wife any money as she works. However since all money is really our money, our budget allows each of us 1k baht a month personal money. Neither of us needs more than that for frivolous things.

I assume all the other bills and what nots are paid for so if his girl friend has 3k baht a month to spend on anything she wants that is non essential, I think that is actually pretty good.

"your GF will want to be married; it offers her security and commitment."

When someone writes a comment like this

"You've got cheap labour to bring up you kids"

You can ignore everything else this person says for life.

Really since the OP stated that she has never said that she wants that. But you obviously with your opinion know more about his GF than he does.

[n210mp]

I have "liked" most of the responses to your OP

But

Up to you!

A very sensible phrase around Thailand means I have no responsibility influencing your decisions!

Every woman in Thailand need to be married if for no other reason than that of saving "face" and not being consider either a kept woman ,a Gik or a Mia noi

If you love her then the answer must be obvious even to you, your Avatar is most appropriate to your lack of empathy or understanding of what your lady hopes for and needs in a relationship.

On the other hand if you are in this "relationship" just for what you can get out of it then carry on with your seeming self centred lifestyle

If I have it all wrong and you are indeed a good chap and you could be because at least you are asking the right question than I apologise for my judgmental attitude

In other words if you love her and she loves and shows you real love, concern and sensitivity then marry her you fool!

[Stan42]

NO

[prestburypark]

If his girl friend is happy with how much he gives her, why is anyone here calling him names.

I don't give my wife any money as she works. However since all money is really our money, our budget allows each of us 1k baht a month personal money. Neither of us needs more than that for frivolous things.

I assume all the other bills and what nots are paid for so if his girl friend has 3k baht a month to spend on anything she wants that is non essential, I think that is actually pretty good.

"your GF will want to be married; it offers her security and commitment."

When someone writes a comment like this

"You've got cheap labour to bring up you kids"

You can ignore everything else this person says for life.

Really since the OP stated that she has never said that she wants that. But you obviously with your opinion know more about his GF than he does.

No ones called him names. Hit a nerve have we? Maybe getting married would drastically improve the OP's relationship. which was the question, leaving aside everyone's financials, and I do think that spare change generosity is hardly more than giving scraps from your table..but..having kids together and wanting a great relationship do need commitment.

I am no fan of marriage for its own sake, but it seems that should the OP want to improve his life,( relationship-wise) and it has obviously occurred to him that this might be the way, then give the girl a load of kudos and big her up, show her you give a hoot , hell he is 99% there already and has no assets to lose to alimony, go for it and it could just gel the relationship to a truly happy one where both parties are cool with each other.

He did ask so he did get opinions..which are ..opinions.

[marko kok prong]

If you love her,i would say yes,recently i had a crazed drunken interlude in which i demanded her father move out of his room behind the house,i threw things at the room which missed,i was like bobby Zamora[you know,if your sat in row z and the ball hits your head,it's Zamora],anyway,if she had been my gf,she could have tossed me out next day,but as a husband different,i refused the divorce demand and everything settled down after my grovelling apologies,much easier for her to turf you if not married,also you get 50% of everything you have put into the marriage,and boy do i have some invoices.

[Enoon]

Words I have never heard from a married man:

"It's great being married, you should try it, you'll love it"

[SantiSuk]

3k a month? Hell's teeth I give my two daughters a combined amount not far short of that and they are still at school.

Are you from North Eastern England and do you wear a flat cap?

[Don't take it personal If you can get away with it all power to you; my wife accuses me of being a cheap charlie on an amount several multiples of that so who is the fool here!]

[Suradit69]

Thanks for your comments.

To those who think I should give her more money, how much do you think is enough? Did you miss the part about her owning every single asset in our lives?

"Did you miss the part about her owning every single asset in our lives?"

I missed everything after the thread title.

Why not scribble your question on the wall of a stall in the men's room at some randomly selected bar or ask complete strangers on the Skytrain?

I can understand talking about this with some close friends or family members, maybe, but in a public forum populated by members known for their somewhat ... to put it diplomatically ... eccentric views on life? Seriously??

[balo]

No

[zeichen]

" [Don't take it personal If you can get away with it all power to you; my wife accuses me of being a cheap charlie on an amount several multiples of that so who is the fool here!]"

So you pay your wife money to be your wife. Is she an employee or a prostitute?

Also this has nothing to do with his actually post. He wants to know the difference of being married.

[theoldgit]

Flame removed.

[ramrod45]

Marriage is a form of commitment, but only in a legal sense (and for some a religious reason, but I try to stay out of religion and politics). Usually in western countries, there are tax benefits, joint property, inheritance, etc. that makes a more plausible reason for becoming married. Marriage does not improve or reduce the amount of affection, love, respect, responsibilities, etc. in a relationship. The marriage process could be a positive, but could become a negative. In Thailand, if a relationship goes south, the farang can basically just walk away. No real repercussions like in Western countries. Beyond the Ops personal income, a legal form (such as a will) can be originated to pass on his money to his girlfriend. She already owns everything else, and if any relationship issues arise, he would leave with no access to any of the land, house, car, etc. Marriage isn't going to change that, and it appears, from his post, that everyone is quite content with their current relationship. So personally I do not see a reason to get married. The other side is if they get married, have problems, and he decides to walk (or her), the divorce proceedings can be more difficult if one of the partners does not show up at court.

As for their financial situation, it is not up to any of us to judge whether an amount is high or low, that's really between the two of them, and shouldn't even be brought up. (However, this being TV, there are always a number of people that have to give their usually unwanted opinions). So I think, short answer, no, do not get married. If there are mitigating circumstances, such as a potential inheritance that marriage would provide, then it might be something to consider. Seems to me they are currently doing just fine.

[n210mp]

Just for you Enoon

Maybe you are mixing in "different circles" than the happily married men who even on this forum are seemingly starting to appear to be in the majority ( I dont think I am going to get away with that one for very long)

Maybe it's the absence of the frequent sex tourist posting and the hole being filled , pardon the pun, by those like me , happily married family type ExPats.

I will say it three times for you personally, just for the impact value together with with a sincerity and a smugness that only those who are in a similar position can understand.

I have many friends and acquaintances that are in a similar situations to me but also a few acquaintances who are not married to their long standing partners.

The ladies not married but still within a long term relationship although they have stopped talking about marriage to their "Partners" because of the squabbles it creates, still have being married in their dreams because in reality no woman wants to be within a long term, live in relationship that is so open ended.

in other words the ladies are conditioned by instinct, nurture, culture and heartfelt desire to have a need to be "Married"!

"It's great being married, you should try it, you'll love it"

"It's great being married, you should try it, you'll love it"

"It's great being married, you should try it, you'll love it"

Edited May 24, 2015 by n210mp

[EmptyHead]

Thanks all for your replies.

Yes, I would like like to know how married can change a relationship for the better and/or make things more complicated and therefor worse.

I would have had this discussion with close friends, if any of them were married.

To address a few points from posters here: I don't have any kind of pension plan and don't really qualify for state pension in the UK as I haven't paid enough NI.

Yes, she has a decent work ethic and has always had her own income. At the moment, she works from home with her own business. I pay the bills and for "big stuff". She pays for smaller stuff.

And not, I haven't went through any legal process to become the father, though I thought that was quite straight forward after the child is 7, right? In any case, I am not concerned with needing to have legal parenthood over our kid.

Anyway, lots of good comments here. Thanks again.

Still interested in hearing more on how marriage has changed your life for better/worse. One poster mentioned the strenghtening commitment benefitting his relationship. That's a good one. Another poster said, it would stay the same, not much would change. Some have mentioned, I should do it for her. All good insights. We have a lot of "no" comments without stating reason. Perhaps caution is a good thing. A few very good balanced posts as well.

Some posters have mentioned, I am self-centred and just trying to take what I can get. Some elaboration would be nice, otherwise I shall just assume you have sour-grapes because your wife is requiring so much money from you.

And as far as cheap labour goes, my child is at school with me 10 hours a day giving my teerak a nice break from parenting. Rearing a child is a labour of love anyway and should not be equated with money.

Edited May 24, 2015 by EmptyHead

[SantiSuk]

" [Don't take it personal If you can get away with it all power to you; my wife accuses me of being a cheap charlie on an amount several multiples of that so who is the fool here!]"

So you pay your wife money to be your wife. Is she an employee or a prostitute?

Also this has nothing to do with his actually post. He wants to know the difference of being married.

So you would deny a mother the ability to have a bit of spending freedom in your so-called relationship where you are the earning or asset-rich partner? Another flat cap in Thailand

You are right re the relevance comment

[Crazy chef 1]

Thanks for your comments.

To those who think I should give her more money, how much do you think is enough? Did you miss the part about her owning every single asset in our lives?

me for example i don't give even one baht "allowance" to my wife...we are married though we have a common bank account(and both contribute to it) and she takes what she thinks she needs,same vice versa and every expenditure above 1000thb we will discuss and decide together...

i don't know what is wrong here why is it assumed that a relationship/marriage with a Thai wife is different to back in the old world...for me no difference at all...