Thanks to Thaivisa Members for Opening My Eyes

[xjbond]

Hi Guys ..... I am new as a member but not as a guest. I have been reading Thaivisa for 6 months and your opinions and comments have really opened my eyes. You have probably helped me to avoid a big mistake.

Here's my dilemma. I am 57, I met a lady on a Thai dating site last year, she is 44 now. We became cyber close and then spent January of this year together. I will return soon from USA to her as we plan to marry. My problem is with her past. While that may be her business, it becomes my business when she voluntarily lies about it to me. If she was a "working" girl, I can accept that. But I find it hard to accept being lied to about it (yes guys, I now understand that most Thai girls lie). Bit by bit, I have uncovered a number of lies and only just today the fact that she has a second phone.

One big lie I was told, actually, more of a failure to omit part of her past was that she spent 9 months in Pattaya caring for an elderly gentleman in a time period of about 3 to 4 years ago. I only found this out after our month together. And shortly after that Pattaya time, she paid a down payment on a house in Surat Thani. Hmm, I am not quite sure how that adds up on a "maid's" salary. She has been back a few times to Pattaya since. Now works as a Thai massage therapist in Ao Nang/Krabi.

Before I take the big plunge of marrying this lady, I would like to know the truth about her past (3 men as I was told or 30, or 300?).

Maybe some TV members who were in Pattaya in the stated time period could help me. I have pictures from that era that I could forward by PM.

Thanks for opening my eyes.

Jim

[troy]

If this is the level of trust you have for her then don't marry her. Trust is the most important thing in any marriage. A marriage where you can't trust your partner is doomed from the beginning.

[xjbond]

Thanks. My trust level has fluctuated over the year of knowing her. Problem is, I care for this girl very much. But you are right. I doubt that I could ever fully trust her, thus, should back away from marriage.

[MAJIC]

If this is the level of trust you have for her then don't marry her. Trust is the most important thing in any marriage. A marriage where you can't trust your partner is doomed from the beginning.

Trust is like Religion,and life after death,you are never sure it is the truth,but there is not much else to put your faith in!

[NeverSure]

She has a second phone because she has another guy(s). The guys run into the dozens perhaps. The next thing you don't know is how many children she has. That brother is her husband. She's for sale rent for 1 million baht paid to her mother. When you come to Thailand she'll shut off her other phone and then lie to those people about how she didn't realize she lost it and they couldn't reach her.

I know a Thai school teacher near Sisaket. She's really pretty and you wouldn't guess that - she and her Thai husband make a lot of money by her playing on dating sites. I have a female friend who works at that school and she told me. When a farang comes to town the husband disappears because he wants the money. There was a Dutch guy there when I was there and he didn't have a clue. I did know only because my friend told me.

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

Edited July 19, 2015 by NeverSure

[xjbond]

She has a second phone because she has another guy(s). The guys run into the dozens perhaps. The next thing you don't know is how many children she has. That brother is her husband. She's for sale rent for 1 million baht paid to her mother. When you come to Thailand she'll shut off her other phone and then lie to those people about how she didn't realize she lost it and they couldn't reach her.

I know a Thai school teacher near Sisaket. She's really pretty and you wouldn't guess that - she and her Thai husband make a lot of money by her playing on dating sites. I have a female friend who works at that school and she told me. When a farang comes to town the husband disappears because he wants the money. There was a Dutch guy there when I was there and he didn't have a clue. I did know only because my friend told me.

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

Thanks. You are partially right. I have stayed at her home in Surat Thani with her and her 26 year old daughter. There are no other children. I have met her mother and many of the family. She (or they) are not looking for my money. This is what confuses me. When I was with her for a month, I got a glimpse of her laptop and saw that she was still on other dating sites. I think she is addicted to male attention.

She is in Ao Nang/Krabi now, not Pattaya at this time. Pattaya 9 month visit was 2011/2012.

[NeverSure]

She has a second phone because she has another guy(s). The guys run into the dozens perhaps. The next thing you don't know is how many children she has. That brother is her husband. She's for sale rent for 1 million baht paid to her mother. When you come to Thailand she'll shut off her other phone and then lie to those people about how she didn't realize she lost it and they couldn't reach her.

I know a Thai school teacher near Sisaket. She's really pretty and you wouldn't guess that - she and her Thai husband make a lot of money by her playing on dating sites. I have a female friend who works at that school and she told me. When a farang comes to town the husband disappears because he wants the money. There was a Dutch guy there when I was there and he didn't have a clue. I did know only because my friend told me.

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

Thanks. You are partially right. I have stayed at her home in Surat Thani with her and her 26 year old daughter. There are no other children. I have met her mother and many of the family. She (or they) are not looking for my money. This is what confuses me. When I was with her for a month, I got a glimpse of her laptop and saw that she was still on other dating sites. I think she is addicted to male attention.

She is in Ao Nang/Krabi now, not Pattaya at this time. Pattaya 9 month visit was 2011/2012.

Not wanting money is called "playing the long game". If they ask for money now you might run.

She has lots of guys on the string. Either you will see it or you won't.

Cheers.

PS There are "massage" and bar girls in every town. This one's a pro.

[xjbond]

She has a second phone because she has another guy(s). The guys run into the dozens perhaps. The next thing you don't know is how many children she has. That brother is her husband. She's for sale rent for 1 million baht paid to her mother. When you come to Thailand she'll shut off her other phone and then lie to those people about how she didn't realize she lost it and they couldn't reach her.

I know a Thai school teacher near Sisaket. She's really pretty and you wouldn't guess that - she and her Thai husband make a lot of money by her playing on dating sites. I have a female friend who works at that school and she told me. When a farang comes to town the husband disappears because he wants the money. There was a Dutch guy there when I was there and he didn't have a clue. I did know only because my friend told me.

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

Thanks. You are partially right. I have stayed at her home in Surat Thani with her and her 26 year old daughter. There are no other children. I have met her mother and many of the family. She (or they) are not looking for my money. This is what confuses me. When I was with her for a month, I got a glimpse of her laptop and saw that she was still on other dating sites. I think she is addicted to male attention.

She is in Ao Nang/Krabi now, not Pattaya at this time. Pattaya 9 month visit was 2011/2012.

Not wanting money is called "playing the long game". If they ask for money now you might run.

She has lots of guys on the string. Either you will see it or you won't.

Cheers.

PS There are "massage" and bar girls in every town. This one's a pro.

I have read the term "long game" on Thai visa many times. It planted a seed, got me thinking. I have always wondered about the eventual possibility of rat poison or even a fall in the shower (she loves to shower together). In hindsight, I can agree that there may be lots of guys on the string. Especially now that I have learned of the secret phone. And when we met, she was on upwards of half a dozen dating sites and had been for many years but claimed not to have met with any (well, a few). ha ha ha. She also claimed not much response from sites. BS, this girl is a looker.

[simple1]

Some relationships with 'working girls' work out, some don't. From my observations of friends and acquaintances in long term relations with ex working girls more are successful than not.

Don't know why you would expect a working girl to lay all her cards on the table or indeed any other women if you've only spent a month together. Hopefully you're not sending her money right now, so why would she her stop current activities? Have you honestly told her all the details of your past relationships, short & long term, encounters with other working girls etc?

Many working girls in Thailand financially support their families, so likely you would need to negotiate a reasonable agreement for ongoing support. However, at your age why would you marry someone you've only known face to face for a month, no matter their background.

EDIT: Just saw your last post so why are you bothering to raise this topic

Edited July 19, 2015 by simple1

[fang37]

There is an old saying - "When in doubt, don't."

[chiang mai]

What's a 44 year old Thai female to do, one who's maybe worked the bar scene twenty five years earlier and perhaps been involved in a series of affairs with foreigners, nay, even older foreigners, probably all in the interests of helping family financially, do those things make her a truly bad person, dunno.

But I wonder how the OP would have reacted had she "come clean" to him, on Day 1, regarding her history. Would the OP have said, "thank you for being honest, now we can moved forward together" or would he have simply walked away, my money's on the latter and I reckon hers was also.

I reckon FWIW that her history is really no business of the OP, chances are that all males can find some dirt of some description, on their girllfriends/wives, if they dig deep enough.

Methinks the OP is asking the wrong questions, he should be asking whether he is seriously interested in the woman or not and does he want a relationship with her. But of course, setting out his stall here on TVF on this issue is only ever going to elicit one type of response, "she's bad", an ex-hooker", "I personally know of .....:", and other such nonsense. Simply, threads such as these represent yet another opportunity to bash Thailand and all things Thai, particularly by people who don't even live here yet are mysteriously "experts" on all things Thai.

Ah, if only all people in the world were as pure as the driven snow that is so many TVF posters!

Edited July 19, 2015 by chiang mai

[JohnC]

At 44 she is not a "girl" she is a middle aged woman! Ask yourself the old Thai question, how much can you afford to walk away from ?

[saakura]

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

And a lot of guys have fallen from high balconies after knowing the truth.

[chiang mai]

Watch yourself. A LOT of guys have fallen for something simply because they don't want the truth.

Oh, and she works in Pattaya, does she now. LOL.

Cheers.

And a lot of guys have fallen from high balconies after knowing the truth.

Perhaps you can examine your data/fact sheet and tell us how many deaths this relates to?

[xjbond]

Some relationships with 'working girls' work out, some don't. From my observations of friends and acquaintances in long term relations with ex working girls more are successful than not.

Don't know why you would expect a working girl to lay all her cards on the table or indeed any other women if you've only spent a month together. Hopefully you're not sending her money right now, so why would she her stop current activities? Have you honestly told her all the details of your past relationships, short & long term, encounters with other working girls etc?

Many working girls in Thailand financially support their families, so likely you would need to negotiate a reasonable agreement for ongoing support. However, at your age why would you marry someone you've only known face to face for a month, no matter their background.

EDIT: Just saw your last post so why are you bothering to raise this topic

She was fully and brutally honestly apprised of my past relationships, my infatuation with American-style massage parlors included, and my marital infidelities. That was her perfect opportunity to lay her cards on the table. Instead, she chose to lie. I did not meet her as a working girl. She portrayed herself to be "a good girl". It is the lies that bother me, lies that I have just found out are still going on. I can live with whatever the sexual past is. But not lies that there was no need to tell. My concern now is "once a liar, always a liar". Like I have read but didn't believe until lately, Welcome to Thailand".

[Jessi]

I have lived in & around S.E.Asia since 1981.

I have seen most of the scams etc, but the day I wake up & think

I know it all will be the day Im in trouble. There are always new scams around.

If she is still on a dating site you register under a different name & a

picture of another man then contact her and show some interest in her

you may just get a shock of what she says & does.

A couple of old sayings around Asia are.

If it walks & talks like a Duck then it most likely is a Duck.

You can take the girl out of the bar but you cant take

the bar out of the girl.

One warning sign is Does she speak English?

If you are new to Asia one bit of advice I can give you is.

Keep your guard up 25 hours a day.

Now your reply may be "You dont understand this is different"

[xjbond]

I have lived in & around S.E.Asia since 1981.

I have seen most of the scams etc, but the day I wake up & think

I know it all will be the day Im in trouble. There are always new scams around.

If she is still on a dating site you register under a different name & a

picture of another man then contact her and show some interest in her

you may just get a shock of what she says & does.

A couple of old sayings around Asia are.

If it walks & talks like a Duck then it most likely is a Duck.

You can take the girl out of the bar but you cant take

the bar out of the girl.

One warning sign is Does she speak English?

If you are new to Asia one bit of advice I can give you is.

Keep your guard up 25 hours a day.

Now your reply may be "You dont understand this is different"

This did "feel different" until recently when I became suspicious and felt forced to set a little trap that she walked right into (a sneaky Thai lady should never respond to an email claiming that the sender had talked to her a year ago on a dating site). That is how I learned of the second phone and a willingness to meet. I do have a friend who plays all the dating sites and checks for me. Not currently on any. I assume that these are previous "crack hustlers" that she talks to. And yes, she speaks heavily accented English (of sorts).

My guard is up. That is why I am here.

Thank you.

[meatboy]

At 44 she is not a "girl" she is a middle aged woman! Ask yourself the old Thai question, how much can you afford to walk away from ?

as you have only mentioned your intent to marry,what are your plans,house[hers] bike[hers] her family living where? pick up for pa as he has trouble with his legs,

her family home needs a new roof,it goes on and on and thats only exs.for her side,some of us have read stories like yours week in week out,me over 30yrs. and never mind what we say or advice we give your mind has been made up.

so as johnc say's how much are you willing to walk away from.

[xjbond]

At 44 she is not a "girl" she is a middle aged woman! Ask yourself the old Thai question, how much can you afford to walk away from ?

as you have only mentioned your intent to marry,what are your plans,house[hers] bike[hers] her family living where? pick up for pa as he has trouble with his legs,

her family home needs a new roof,it goes on and on and thats only exs.for her side,some of us have read stories like yours week in week out,me over 30yrs. and never mind what we say or advice we give your mind has been made up.

so as johnc say's how much are you willing to walk away from.

None of those needs are applicable in this situation.

The "walkaway" point is very near. I will not marry a liar. Been there, done that.

Just being double sure before I throw in the towel.

[pitrevie]

Have you met her brother yet? He is the one who will help you with your ATM withdrawals.

[xjbond]

Have you met her brother yet? He is the one who will help you with your ATM withdrawals.

You have been in Thailand too long. Your thinking is myopic, jaundiced by hanging around the wrong bars.

There is no brother, ill mother, legless father, buffalo, roof needs, new motorbike needs or mortgage help.

This story is quite different but I can see where you are inclined to link it to the standard mould.

[meatboy]

At 44 she is not a "girl" she is a middle aged woman! Ask yourself the old Thai question, how much can you afford to walk away from ?

as you have only mentioned your intent to marry,what are your plans,house[hers] bike[hers] her family living where? pick up for pa as he has trouble with his legs,

her family home needs a new roof,it goes on and on and thats only exs.for her side,some of us have read stories like yours week in week out,me over 30yrs. and never mind what we say or advice we give your mind has been made up.

so as johnc say's how much are you willing to walk away from.

None of those needs are applicable in this situation.

The "walkaway" point is very near. I will not marry a liar. Been there, done that.

Just being double sure before I throw in the towel.

not sure what you mean xjb.none of those needs are applicable,dont you know that in the thai girls fishing guide no1.rule only bait at first,then when the bait has been taken set the hook firmly and get it in the bag.you can throw it back later.

there is plenty of fish waiting to be HOOKED.SNAGGED.AND GOBBLED UP.

[chiang mai]

The problem as I see it is the OP has a problem with people who lie, that being the case Thailand is not for him since Saving Face frequently involves a substantial amount of fabrication and un-truths. Perhaps the OP should ask himself, if the propensity for the woman to lie were removed from the equation, how would he feel towards her then. If the answer is, "much better or good" then it's time to find partners from another country since the problem is endemic within the culture here.

Over and out.

[Sharp]

'Thanks to Thaivisa for Opening My Eyes'.... Job done my friend...

Edited July 20, 2015 by Sharp

[xjbond]

The problem as I see it is the OP has a problem with people who lie, that being the case Thailand is not for him since Saving Face frequently involves a substantial amount of fabrication and un-truths. Perhaps the OP should ask himself, if the propensity for the woman to lie were removed from the equation, how would he feel towards her then. If the answer is, "much better or good" then it's time to find partners from another country since the problem is endemic within the culture here.

Over and out.

You pretty much hit the nail on the head. I do have a problem with one who declares their 100% devotion to me, but lies to me. And from what I read on Thaivisa, you included, lying is part of Thai culture.

Thailand is still in my future but I will now resist the urge to get deeply involved with other Thai females. I guess I will join the ranks of the butterflies if I feel the need for companionship.

Thanks.

[steven100]

I reckon FWIW that her history is really no business of the OP, chances are that all males can find some dirt of some description, on their girllfriends/wives, if they dig deep enough.

agree ... what does the OP think .... that every woman he meets will have a squeaky clean past ... I doubt that will ever happen. !!

Also, it's not the history that is your issue ... it's that she is not telling you all , and why should she .. it's not your business what she did 3 years ago.

The problem with farang is they perceive it as a lie if they aren't told anything and they find out . A lie is when the truth has been altered not when nothing has been told.

Now, the OP needs to understand and answer truthfully to himself .......

is he happy with this woman ? does he want to marry this woman ? is he comfortable with this woman ? is he willing to accept the risk financially if he spends the rest of his life with this woman ?

Only then can you decide ...

[pomchop]

Run Forrest Run

[pmarlin]

Take it slow, move over here as a single man and stay single for a while. some day you will meet the girl for you and also take your time with that. Once you get married things change real fast. Many here have successful relationships without being married to the whole family. Lot girls here who want a real relationship and not just an ATM.

[xjbond]

Take it slow, move over here as a single man and stay single for a while. some day you will meet the girl for you and also take your time with that. Once you get married things change real fast. Many here have successful relationships without being married to the whole family. Lot girls here who want a real relationship and not just an ATM.

Good advice, thank you. I have satisfied myself beyond doubt that this one is not looking at me as an ATM. But the "long run" intentions concern me somewhat quite a lot. When her post was on the dating site, it showed her desired age group between 50 and 75. Why would a gal of this age be looking for such an older man who's time is running out, is the question that I asked myself. I am 57, perhaps this great actress was planning to shorten my life.

Whatever. With what I just found out about a second phone and invitation to meet a man, she won't be getting the chance.

[meatboy]

Take it slow, move over here as a single man and stay single for a while. some day you will meet the girl for you and also take your time with that. Once you get married things change real fast. Many here have successful relationships without being married to the whole family. Lot girls here who want a real relationship and not just an ATM.

Good advice, thank you. I have satisfied myself beyond doubt that this one is not looking at me as an ATM. But the "long run" intentions concern me somewhat quite a lot. When her post was on the dating site, it showed her desired age group between 50 and 75. Why would a gal of this age be looking for such an older man who's time is running out, is the question that I asked myself. I am 57, perhaps this great actress was planning to shorten my life.

Whatever. With what I just found out about a second phone and invitation to meet a man, she won't be getting the chance.

now xjb.you can now thank tv.members for opening your eye's,we are only replying to what you have already told us and some of us with many,many yrs.of thai knowledge,and culture have given you our read on your relationship and where it could end.

at 57 you still got plenty of time to find yourself a partner,my advice keep off the dating site's and visit the malls,and ok bars,not on walking street,and dont go sniffing round their past,its not hard to spot now that your eye's have been opened any skeletons that maybe in the cupboard.

you can still live happly without getting married,rent a house,and keep away from katoey's.

good luck.