Isaan Villiage Girl - Proposal Already?

[Teacher5324]

I am a 30 yo male teaching English here in Thailand. I met my girlfriend on a dating website around a month back. She is 26 yo from Sakhon Nakhon in Isaan but living in BK now. The ad stated that she was looking for someone to marry. I thought OK so am I, eventually.

She works for a very sucessful company and makes around 45,000 baht per month

I was was intrigued by the stories she told of her families life in Sakhon Nakhon, her uncle finding honey in the jungle, eating ant egg soup and raw meat, farming, things like that.

She claimed to be very traditional, always wore modest clothing, said she never had a boyfriend before, was a virgin and wouldn't have sex before marriage, which for some reason I agreed to. I liked her because she didn't party, seemed hard working and honest. She never gave me any reason to believe she was dishonest, was very reliable, didn't have hundreds of other male farang "friends" on facebook etc. She seemed like a nice change to other girls I'd met.

I told her about my situation here in Thailand, including the money I had saved and told her about my family and their situation, including the fact that they own quite a bit of land in my home country. In hindsight of course, this was a bad idea.

I recently took a job teaching English about four hours out out of BK, and told her I could see her on the weekends. She said before you go I want you to meet my family. She said her cousins were wondering where she was going when she went to see me, and that her family should know about me, it's the right thing to do. I thought, fair enough.

I had heard that it was a big deal to meet the parents and that once you did it meant marriage. She assured me that this wouldn't be the case, she just wanted me to know what her families situation was, since she would be shifting back there at some stage.

So I took a flight and visited them in Sakhon Nakhon for two days. In the car back to her villiage from the airport I talked to her parents, she traslated. Her Dad asked me why I liked his daughter and when I would like to get married. I took this as a general question, not specifically related to his daughter and replied I think you should know someone for at least half a year before marriage.

He then told me, if I was serious about his daughter I could stay in their house, if not, I could stay at a hotel. I said I am serious about your daughter, naively thinking he meant serious about being in a relationship.

When we got back to their house, I met about ten of her cousins and she gave me a tour of her farm, they have around seven acres.

Later that evening I finally realised exactly what was going on when I was asked about the Tong Mun, which basically means engagement gold. So apparently when I told them I thought you should know someone for at least six months before getting married, they took it as, I wanted to marry their daughter in six months.

Of course I was shocked and told them, I didn't want to propose to their daughter, I had only known her one month, I just wanted to be in a relationship with her. Then her Dad told me that, because all his family had already seen me here, they would lose face if they didn't see us get engaged.

He asked me if I could buy some gold, give it to his daughter for the ceremony and then take it back afterwards. About 40km from airport and not sure how I could get there I agreed to it. I gave her a gold neclace worth around 20,000 baht and afterwards her cousins tied string around my wrist. Now it is sitting in my draw at home.

Some things worth mentioning:
-She told me her parents didn't want her to marry a foreigner because we don't understand their culture well, but that didn't stop them from trying to marry their daugter off to me after I had known her only one month.
-Her dad asked me if I would receive money in my parents will.
-My girlfriend said that I could have sex with prostitutes and other girls (just for sex) since she knew I would be wanting it but couldn't have it with her.
-When I asked how much sin sod would cost she said 500,000 baht, although when I said I wouldn't pay more than 200,000 she was ok with it.
-She said, at least I know I will get a beautiful baby from you, meaning she is expecting we would get divorced in the future? I got the feeling she was expecting me to run off with another girl.
-When I decided that I can't have a relationship without sex (with my girlfriend), she told me she would have sex with me.
-I still haven't had sex with her yet, I can't say if she's a virgin or not, but if she's not she's a really good actor.

So anyway, sorry about the long post, I am on the verge of breaking up with her due to too many red flags, but before I do I just wanted to know the opinions and insights of people on this forum.

[Bulldozer Dawn]

I don't beleive your story. An traditional Isaan father would never discuss the issues you mention using his own daughter to translate. I call troll.

[tolsti]

Road of borrox . Next troll please.

[fang37]

Troll!

How would the Isaan father have so much knowledge about farangs?

Virgin?

B45k/mth

[Gsxrnz]

I believe him. That's exactly what happened to me.

[NickJ]

I guess its yet another hired writer......I wish

would write something outside the box.

[cooked]

The Thai family will, openly and up front, ask about your financial situation. Nothing wrong with that.

Sleeping in the same house, in the same room, even if other family members are there means you are engaged.

I don't believe she is a virgin, as you will find out when you get married. At 27? If she is then she has some serious hangups about the sexual act. Sinsot only gets paid at a premium, theoretically, for a virgin. Alarm bells.

Asking for gold at this stage is just trying it on. More alarm bells.

Losing face? Bullshit alarm bells. They put themselves into that situation, your girlfriend would have been expected to have told them that you weren't engaged.

Myself I would have taken off and walked back to the next town, plenty of motorbikes ready to give you a lift. Or accept their proposal to sleep in a hotel, how do I get there please?

None of us have been there where you were so only you can decide.

[inzman]

Run Forrest run! You are not ready or equipped to deal with these people .

[Teacher5324]

Thanks cooked, you are right, there were a lot of ways out of that situation, I wasn't thinking at the time. I could have also said I didn't have enough money in my savings account to buy that much gold. Anyway it doesn't matter, I can sell the necklace and get most of my money back hopefully.

Interesting about the Thai family being upfront about financial situation.

I agree, asking for gold after only one month is trying it on. I had already told my gf that I didn't want to get engaged and she would have told them that.

She may be honest and trustworthy for all I know, but the fact they did this to me is doing my head in too much for me to go any further with her.

Bulldozer Dawn, that's what happened, I have no idea how it's usually done but would really like to know, could somebody tell me please?

[Gulfsailor]

My gf parents also set the bar high with an early sin sot proposal well out of my league. Now after being together for over 10 years they are offering me money and perks to finally marry her!

Oh and in the OP case; any younger brothers or sisters of her around, say age 4 to 12? In which case she is definitely not a virgin.

Good luck!

[thrilled]

My fiancé's family is originally from China.We have known each other 7 years now.No talk of sin sod when we marry.We are both

Older .Maybe that's why.I would marry her on your terms.Take your time.Don't be rushed.

[bwpage3]

For some Isaan families, they could care less if your marriage lasts or not because they are after the sin sod.

You can always be traded in for someone with more to offer, but right now you are the only player in the game.

I am sure her cousins foreign husband has told her that as a school teacher, you will never have money for a house or car or much of anything.

I would have to surmise, at your young age and working in Thailand as a teacher, you probably do not have a skill to go back home to earn a living up to her expectations. (Parents owning things are not your things until they pass and hopefully give to you.)

Since she earns more than you and is asking you for everything, the red flag is already there.

I think you can read volumes, if you just met someone and they are asking all kinds of financial questions, it is not about you, or love or anything special. It is all about the money and right now.

My Isaan father in law only asked for one thing which was to promise to send my wife to school which was accomplished.

Sin Sod was a big show of face, however we did have one heck of a giant party in her village which cost about 100K, although we received about 30K back in the invitation cards which was completely unexpected.

There are loads of women in Thailand, be patient until you find one a good one that isn't in it for money.

Edited August 4, 2015 by bwpage3

[55Jay]

Never try to impress poor chicks with money.

Love and marriage is not about money.......until it goes teets up.

Maintain offshore accounts. Never discuss them. Always protect yourself.

[SantiSuk]

If troll, yawn

If not - follow your own instincts. They seem to be better honed than most on ThaiV

[kkup]

Sounds wrong, run dude.

[jacko45k]

I don't know what you guys see here that makes you call 'troll'....'naive' I could believe.

Nothing out of the ordinary here.

Perhaps you are more perceptive than me.

[ggt]

You say yourself that you recognize red flags that give you caution...good for you...

Do not fall prey to Thai family pressure to get married...they may whine about loosing face...but you stand to loose much more...

If you are uncertain...take your time...if it is meant to be...it will all work out...

[jacksam]

Seems an obvious troll....BUT similar thing happened to me. Keep in mind I'm 60 and the girl was 21.

They wanted "intend to marry" gig ....sort of engagement.

Only difference is this lass didn't speak English. Attends uni at KK. Any young man leave this alone. Finish with her. Not saying the family are not genuine....just move on

[joshstiles]

thailand...the never ending supply of foreign morons and their attraction to this site

[Fairynuff]

I don't beleive your story. An traditional Isaan father would never discuss the issues you mention using his own daughter to translate. I call troll.

If you don't believe him, move on to the next post. Calling him a liar makes YOU the troll.

[Fairynuff]

Road of borrox . Next troll please.

If you don't believe him, move on to the next post. Calling him a liar makes YOU the troll.

[godden]

Me thinks they are more clever than you.

[abitmiffed]

Ha ha ha, those alarm bells started ringing in my ear after the words I am a 30yr old male...

Troll la la la bla bla blahhhhhhhhh.

Next.

[longstebe]

Just out of interest where in Sakon do they live?

[sammygood]

ah, the new TVF ghost writer has arrived... 2 posts & a heavy story to make many pages of contributions

FAKE FAKE FAKE

once upon a time, there was a naive ghost writer that came to thailand ....

[stgrhe]

I would tell the parents that I understand their part of the culture but since I am not a Thai my country's culture matters to me, and we do not get engaged after one month; we get to know one another first so see whether we are a match for life, and this is very important to us Westerners.

I think it is paramount that you let them know that your culture is something not to be compromised with. If your girlfriend doesn't accept that, your relationship is domed to fail. Remember you need balance, ying and yang if you will, to achieve harmony.

[Rockhopper]

He didn't read the books:

Thailand Fever by Chris Pirazzi & Vitida Vasant

Private Dancer by Stephen Leather

Confessions of a Bangkok Private Eye as told to Stephen Leather

Working With the Thais by Henry Holmes & Suchada Tangtongtavy

[sammygood]

no sex at 27 ? maybe she likes girls and a golden ticket for her parents ...

anyway, gold is max 18.000 right now

pretty sure you are not even in thailand

[lilyblue]

I'd suggest not seeing her anymore. She's looking for a husband not a relationship. Make sure you have possession of the necklace AND sell it BEFORE you call it off officially.

Don't sleep with her as its only going to cause issues possibly.

And when you sell the necklace get the assistance of someone you work with and not this girl. Intuition suggests you'd get ripped off or shed pressure younger the money.

She has different expectations morals and life plans to you. She lied and a lot got lost in translation.

Plenty of lovely girls in the world. Chalk this up to experience.

[kovaltech]

OP, i don't see anything in her story what should be giving you a "Red Flag" or an alarm being set off...

Nothing wrong in her behavior or her parents, only normal things...

But your words and your mindset.... How long have you been on this planet ? Or in Thailand ?