carpediem86 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Hi!This is my first post here. I will post my question first and then write a bit about our background after. I have on several occasions been treated like I don't exist. No touching, she is not even answering my questions, maybe with a small nod. It usually keeps going for a day or two. And then it is back to normal and I have my girlfriend back, that I love. I know this is not uncommon, and not only Thai style even if it seems to happen more here. It seems to be best just to act like normal, like nothing strange is going on, and she will be okay again later. But to be treated like this one time every 1-2 months is a thing I have a hard time handling. QUESTION: I tried to talk about this a little bit before, but after this weekend I will try to really talk about it. Any tips how I should proceed? BACKGROUND: We have been talking/chatting every day for around 1,5 years but only spent in total around 6 months together from the one time she has been to Sweden and the five times I have been to Thailand. We are not married but have been talking about it, or at least to get engaged. I feel it is a bit early to marry and actually she said she feels this way too. But her grandma really wants us to marry before she goes to Sweden again. We plan to go to Sweden more permanently. I really love her, and she me. We are both high-school teachers and I am 29 yo and she is 24 yo. She is not from BKK, but studied there and she knows a lot about western culture and she can speak English almost as good as I can, so we have no trouble communication from language barriers. She never asked for money, and even if I paid for more things than she has done it is only because she doesn't have much money since she just started working with teaching. I am a very calm and gentle person. We never fight verbally or physically. The only thing that we have a problem with is the silent treatment. Ask more about background if you need more information.I hope someone can help me with tips about this. It may sound like a small thing but I have read about people having the same situation after many years together, after marrying, and I want us to have a better way to deal with this than silent treatment. Just not sure how to get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oncearugge Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 It is not a "small thing" and if you genuinely have not done anything to provoke this "silent treatment" you have a BIG problem. I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior. Best you give some very serious thought to any future plans you may have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpediem86 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior. I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cornishcarlos Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Psychiatric treatment ? For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oncearugge Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior. I don't need a reason to why this happens, even if that would actually be a good place to start. What I need is to know what we can do so it doesn't happen again. The few times we talked a bit about it she said it is her fault, not mine. And I don't feel like I have done anything wrong, so on that part we both feel the same. The thing is it feels a bit different than some other friends I talked about that god "silent treatments". She isn't happy when she feels this way, and also she makes me very unhappy. And she doesn't do it to get anything from me, because I don't give her any things or extra physical support or anything. It is just bad for both of us, so I think she would also like this to never happen again. Just not sure how to talk about it in the best way because she can easily feel really bad from any criticism. If the lady can not offer any reason for her behavior it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to change. It is also unlikely that the two of you will be able to "sort" this matter out. The lady needs to gain some insight into her behavior and the reason(s) associated with it. A good Psychologist could assist her but I think seeking such help in Thailand would be a wast of time and energy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Silent treatment = you are in deep s..t! RUN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickJ Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 PMDD is rampant here......If that did turn out to be the case I would exit stage left. I spent over a decade with a wife here that suffered from it. What you describe was how it started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpediem86 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) I want to try and fix this if it is possible. Still I'm not thinking about breaking up. But the answers here doesn't sound so good for me. Any more tips to my question? That it could get worse later or that I should run doesn't help. But thank you all that gave me some more input. Edit: I will check out PMDD. Just had a really quick look and it might be something along that way. I didn't think about if this happened in the same time before menstruation before but I will look for this in the future. Edited October 15, 2015 by carpediem86 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Be nice to yourself. If you go tit's up, it is definitely over. Somehow, encourage her to talk - anything - weather, TV Try a little romance? If you have a dog, take your dog for a walk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oncearugge Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 I want to try and fix this if it is possible. Still I'm not thinking about breaking up. But the answers here doesn't sound so good for me. Any more tips to my question? That it could get worse later or that I should run doesn't help. But thank you all that gave me some more input. I believe you to be a good and caring person but you need to ask why, exactly, you are seeking answers to the problem here. By your own admission you have only "known" this lady for approx 6 months. I sincerely hope you do find happiness and that the "problem" can be resolved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpediem86 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Be nice to yourself. If you go tit's up, it is definitely over. Somehow, encourage her to talk - anything - weather, TV Try a little romance? If you have a dog, take your dog for a walk. Yeah I will not push too hard about this, but I feel that we need to really talk about it. I don't have a dog but I will try to do some normal things in this situation. I believe you to be a good and caring person but you need to ask why, exactly, you are seeking answers to the problem here. By your own admission you have only "known" this lady for approx 6 months. I sincerely hope you do find happiness and that the "problem" can be resolved. I want solutions to the problem because I feel very bad in this situation, and because she also feels bad. It is the one thing that we haven't been able to tackle so far. There has been some difficulties because of the big culture difference, but we managed to deal with that in good ways. So this is the only problem we have now. But it is a problem and in the long run I am not sure if I can accept this behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Slowly, slowly - don't force the issue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpediem86 Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 Slowly, slowly - don't force the issue. Yeah this could be a good idea. We have already talked about it a bit before because it makes me feel really bad so I had to try. That didn't help, specially the first time since I tried to talk about it while she was in this mood. And it just made her feel worse and she stayed like this longer, and the first time it happened we where not in the same country so I wrote in text chat. Bad idea. After that I have been much more careful about any problems or ideas to make our situation better. I will try to talk about it the most sensitive way possible, but still I feel the need to bring it up somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Pick the time & yes, slowly slowly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oncearugge Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Slowly, slowly - don't force the issue. Yeah this could be a good idea. We have already talked about it a bit before because it makes me feel really bad so I had to try. That didn't help, specially the first time since I tried to talk about it while she was in this mood. And it just made her feel worse and she stayed like this longer, and the first time it happened we where not in the same country so I wrote in text chat. Bad idea. After that I have been much more careful about any problems or ideas to make our situation better. I will try to talk about it the most sensitive way possible, but still I feel the need to bring it up somehow. Remember. It is very difficult to walk on eggshells without causing damage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Grumpy Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Find one's testicles. Reattach. Those are the first two steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Slowly, slowly - don't force the issue. Yeah this could be a good idea. We have already talked about it a bit before because it makes me feel really bad so I had to try. That didn't help, specially the first time since I tried to talk about it while she was in this mood. And it just made her feel worse and she stayed like this longer, and the first time it happened we where not in the same country so I wrote in text chat. Bad idea. After that I have been much more careful about any problems or ideas to make our situation better. I will try to talk about it the most sensitive way possible, but still I feel the need to bring it up somehow. In that case, cause as little damage as possible. Remember. It is very difficult to walk on eggshells without causing damage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jvs Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Easy to say grow some balls and leave for a few days if it happens again.Then again,if she can not talk about it maybe she can try to write down how she feels . She may not know why she feels this way and that can be scary.If she does not want to try and work at it things can go from bad to worse and that will be the end. I would tell her you will give her some time but she has to promise you to do something, a trip to a doctor may be a good start. Let her write down when it started,how it started and maybe also the why,even if she has to guess. Maybe you can start by writing to her how you feel about things and why you want to solve this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catman20 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 don't put up with her crap finish with her go and find a women that likes you and treats you with respect that you want and need Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catman20 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Easy to say grow some balls and leave for a few days if it happens again.Then again,if she can not talk about it maybe she can try to write down how she feels . She may not know why she feels this way and that can be scary.If she does not want to try and work at it things can go from bad to worse and that will be the end. I would tell her you will give her some time but she has to promise you to do something, a trip to a doctor may be a good start. Let her write down when it started,how it started and maybe also the why,even if she has to guess. Maybe you can start by writing to her how you feel about things and why you want to solve this. grow some balls your right there then tell her its your way or the high way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fang37 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Time to vacate? You cannot change her. She cannot change you. BUT! No Buts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidB4 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 It is not a "small thing" and if you genuinely have not done anything to provoke this "silent treatment" you have a BIG problem. I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior. Best you give some very serious thought to any future plans you may have. I agree, it is not a small thing and not talking about it either means she doesn't actually know herself what's bothering her or she does and doesn't think talking to you will help so that would probably mean it's something that would mean the end of the relationship(in her mind). Key thing to watch out for: if she starts doing things to make you angry. Women hate being the bad guy and if they think the relationship will not work they often instigate fights so that when you get angry they can blame you. If she doesn't do that it most likely means she still hasn't given up on you...yet. Good luck, not being able to talk sucks, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
samsensam Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 you say she loves you, i think you mean she says that she loves you. relationships, especially cross cultural relationships, need communication, compromise and mutual respect to be successful. enough said? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steven100 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 just guessing ......... it may be that she had a bad experience with someone sometime ago and it comes back to her during those 1-2 days when it's the ' silent time ' could have been with a friend, or relative ... who knows !!! nothing to do with you, it's just her bad memories. .... I would just forget about it and let her deal with it. You should just live with it as it's not really your business ..... and it may be embarrassing for her to talk about it. If she wanted you to know she would have told you already ....... just forget it and accept it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fabphil Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 shes probably thinking of her thai bf who just rang her moments before.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1sickpuppy Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 It is not a "small thing" and if you genuinely have not done anything to provoke this "silent treatment" you have a BIG problem. I very much doubt the lady will be able to vocalise any coherent reason for her behavior. Best you give some very serious thought to any future plans you may have. Count your blessings, normally they dont stop yapping Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frimu Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 My girlfriend has this as well sometimes, albeit we still talk a little, but I feel she's in a bad mood. Mostly it happens before her period. So I don't blame her and just wait until it is over. I also treat her extra nicely in this time, because I believe it's really just the hormons. Sometimes I feel a bit hurt, but I can handle this. I would also recommend you do have a slow approach, but to talk about it regularly. That will make her realise it is a problem and she will try to do something about it, if she also cares for you. But don't expect too much. Nobody can drastically change his own personaltiy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
does Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Or treatment for callousness for you? This person is asking a serious question. Take your sense of "humor" to the bar. Psychiatric treatment ?For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaorop Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Learn how to do slapstick falls, ala chaplin, kramer et al, make her laugh and then feign or have an injury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cornishcarlos Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Or treatment for callousness for you? This person is asking a serious question. Take your sense of "humor" to the bar. Psychiatric treatment ? For you I mean.. Be thankful for the peace and quiet. I love a good 2 day meditation Get over yourself... It's a forum. Not only that but it's TVF Humor is the only way to get through life... If you can't have a laugh, what ya got ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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