Heavy Thinker

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and

then

to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I

was

more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I

told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was

thinking

all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and

employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and

Kafka. I

would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it

exactly

we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the

meaning of

life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me

in.

He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your

thinking

has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll

have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came

home

early after my conversation with the boss.

"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as

college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if

you

keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out

the

door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on

the

radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors;

they

didn't open.

The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that

night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,

whimpering

for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's

Anonymous (TA) poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss

a TA

meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it

was

"Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking

since

the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at

home.

Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Before long, I'll be able to vote Democrat

Chang is the thinking mans think, apparently, but a prominent yorkie eeyup from surin can correct me, he normally does.

I wouldn't think of correcting you Bronco.

I know what happens to those who do

Kevin, I had a good laugh on tis one.

In fact I am a member of TA. In every meeting I sit there as the bad example,

holding a Nietzsche-Gold label - edition in my hands and saying nothing.