Question for expats whose wife or partner has children from a previous relationship

[smotherb]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Lol exactly, financial assistance would make the most impact anyway. Kids are going to turn out however they are going to turn out, most of those personality traits are written in the genome, copied from parents or grandparents. Anything else really comes from social skills with other kids when they are young.

Any parent, that thinks his or her influence is anything beyond stability....well, its nice to wish

What a poor relationship you must have had with your parents. I had two-step fathers, loved them both and I am sure they loved me. I can see myself in each of them; so I assimilated the sociological traits of two men who were not my biological father, but they were my father.

Love or obligation?

So you have no feelings for your blood /real father whatsoever? Or do you have a reason to "hate" him, enough to close him out? Maybe he has passed away, but I still think there would be feelings and curiosity....

Yeah, I had a real good reason to close him out. He was killed before I was two, so I don't even remember him.

[RigPig]

I personally just think no matter what a Farang moving into a Thai (existing family relationship) expecting to make improvements / changes is going to find it more than difficult. It may make you feel better for having tried, and there may be some success. But I don't see it as ever working in the way you would like and see it in your minds eye. Valiant, noble, all of that.......

GOOD LUCK I hope you prove me wrong!!!

Edited March 19, 2016 by RigPig

[RigPig]

" The scorpion an the frog" from "The Crying Game"..... Comes to mind!!!

[cms22]

The complete lack of respect I receive from my stepdaughter is quite something, but Im afraid not unusual. As someone said above, I'm seen only as a cash provider.

[1FinickyOne]

My now adopted son was 24 when I met his mother, so I naturally had some concerns. But for me, things couldn't have worked out better. 4 years ago I asked him if I could legally adopt him, to which he readily agreed. But he took it a step further. After the adoption papers had been signed, he asked his mother and I to wait outside. He came out about 15 minutes later and showed me his new Thai ID. He had legally changed his last name to mine. Later, when asked about why he had a farang last name, he told them "I did it to respect the man who is my father". He wants nothing to do with his natural father, who is a bum who has had 3 different wives and half a dozen kids, and hasn't had a steady job in decades. He has told his friends that his farang father is better than 90% of the Thai fathers he knows.

My wife lamented to me just a couple of weeks ago, that if she asks him to do something, he wants to know why, and may or may not agree with her, but if I ask him to do something, he does it without hesitation. She says her son loves me more than he loves her, to which I just have to laugh. He's working on his Master's degree, and I'm helping him with that financially. He told me last week, "Dad, one of these days I will pay you back every stang you have spent to help me. I promise." I told him that's not necessary, but for him to use his education wisely.

I also have a niece who has no problem telling people I'm her "real father", and I call her my daughter. Shes an honors law student now at Mae Fah Luang, and won't let a day go by without talking to me 2-3 times a day to let me know how things are going.

So, have I had an impact? Yeah, I think so.

Yo Just - What a great story - - what great kids and you have obviously earned their respect and love... wonderful to hear the success stories here too. Made my day. Thanks for posting.

[smotherb]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

Blood, and especially Thai blood is thicker than water (PARENTAL love, can ONLY come from the parents). The maternal father, no matter how much a low life he is will ALWAYS have more influence over the kids than a foreign husband, regardless. He will see it as his "cash cow" and use whatever means to milk it. The kids will ALWAYS honour him because he is Thai and their father, no matter what. It is all part of the "pecking order" and Thainess....

Again, with the trite over-used statements. Blood is thicker than water, based on viscosity in physical science. However, if the bond of love and respect are there; biology has little to do with it--as I said, I have had two step-fathers and loved and respected both of them. Each made lasting impressions on my life and I have passed them on to my biological son.

[elgordo38]

It was nice to read the success stories which were about 3 to 1 ahead. The human interest and comments made by some posters were truly inspiring. Each of you have redirected a human life in the right direction and for that you should feel proud. You have all contributed in no small way to the future of this country. These young folk that you have nurtured will go forth and multiply and extend the human kindnesses that you have shown them. As much as we bicker and argue on TV its amazing to hear the contributions you are making. It is also sad to read the unsuccessful parts as well but that is life some fall by the wayside due to their own choosing. It is to bad that you do not get more recognition for your efforts but the personal satisfaction must be immense. The people running this country have no idea just what you contribute and give back. Congratulations for a job well done.

[smotherb]

I personally just think no matter what a Farang moving into a Thai (existing family relationship) expecting to make improvements / changes is going to find it more than difficult. It may make you feel better for having tried, and there may be some success. But I don't see it as ever working in the way you would like and see it in your minds eye. Valiant, noble, all of that.......

GOOD LUCK I hope you prove me wrong!!!

I believe your relationship with the Thai woman is most important. If she sees you as a customer rather than a husband; your chances of having a solid relationship with her children are slight.

[stander]

It was nice to read the success stories which were about 3 to 1 ahead. The human interest and comments made by some posters were truly inspiring. Each of you have redirected a human life in the right direction and for that you should feel proud. You have all contributed in no small way to the future of this country. These young folk that you have nurtured will go forth and multiply and extend the human kindnesses that you have shown them. As much as we bicker and argue on TV its amazing to hear the contributions you are making. It is also sad to read the unsuccessful parts as well but that is life some fall by the wayside due to their own choosing. It is to bad that you do not get more recognition for your efforts but the personal satisfaction must be immense. The people running this country have no idea just what you contribute and give back. Congratulations for a job well done.

Yes, it does seem like 3:1 in favour of the positive.

The reason I asked, was I was discussing this with a colleague, who is of the opinion probably less than 10% of expats have a positive influence on the their partners children. I disagree, but was not sure, so I thought I would put it out here.

[RigPig]

Do you guys REALLY think that Thai women "prefer Farang" men? Maybe some do but most prefer their own. Your 3:1 only reflects the comments made here, I sure haven't given 1 iota of my experiences.

Right now I have a Thai girl, 26, working at a family mart for 12,000 a month. I have offered to pay her salary and her school fees to learn English. As long as she passes and can hold a conversation with me.

No other reason other than I can, and she seems bright enough.

Even offered to throw in her own air conditioned room with Thai TV and a scooter she could use as her own....

HASN'T HAPPENED!!!

Why, as I've said it upsets the status quo.

On a personal level I avoid women with kids, it can only lead to disaster. Discipline, responsibility, the value of right and wrong, not lying, cheating, respect....

etc.

I have enough problems thanks

Edited March 19, 2016 by RigPig

[nuananddon]

you can take the child out of Thailand but you can't take Thailand out of the child!

Only trite overused expressions and few real experiences, eh? People can indeed change, especially if they have an education and some semblance of success in another place. I went to high school in Virginia with a Thai brother and sister. Both of them were as American as I. To my knowledge, the girl has never been back to Thailand. She is married to my best childhood friend, so we keep in touch. The boy was killed in Vietnam, a recon marine. He is buried at Arlington .

Edited March 19, 2016 by nuananddon

[nuananddon]

In response to "smotherb ". I've been married to the same thai woman for 45 years, adopted her son from her first marriage, brought him to live with us in the USA. He went to school in the USA, worked in the USA, got married in the USA and he still acts Thai which I never said was bad. Thai people have a different way of looking at things that's all. Also I spend 6 months out of the year here since 2001, so I guess I've got some experience with Thai people, whom I find to be very nice.

[uthaithanirules]

Maybe the OP could enlighten us please on his exact contribution to this remarkable changement of attitude of the youngster?

Lol exactly, financial assistance would make the most impact anyway. Kids are going to turn out however they are going to turn out, most of those personality traits are written in the genome, copied from parents or grandparents. Anything else really comes from social skills with other kids when they are young.

Any parent, that thinks his or her influence is anything beyond stability....well, its nice to wish

What a poor relationship you must have had with your parents. I had two-step fathers, loved them both and I am sure they loved me. I can see myself in each of them; so I assimilated the sociological traits of two men who were not my biological father, but they were my father.

Yes, I must have had a poor relationship with my parents since you disagree with me, That could be the only logical conclusion.

Let me put it another way, everything you've achieved in your life, can the stepdads take credit for all of that? Anything you've done yourself didnt make any difference?.....Its the same kind of logic as claiming you or any parent is mostly responsible for how their kids turned out. Then if not fully responsible (100%), then how much credit is a result of you, 70%, 50%, 20%.

What does that sound like to the kid?. Just becuase he/she might agree with you to your face, to show respect or make you feel good, never disagree with you.....doesnt mean they themselves are going to believe any of it.

Wishing something to be true doesnt change reality

Most people with blame negative personal traits on someone or something else, often the parents, and take personal credit themselves for positive traits

[Just1Voice]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

Blood, and especially Thai blood is thicker than water (PARENTAL love, can ONLY come from the parents). The maternal father, no matter how much a low life he is will ALWAYS have more influence over the kids than a foreign husband, regardless. He will see it as his "cash cow" and use whatever means to milk it. The kids will ALWAYS honour him because he is Thai and their father, no matter what. It is all part of the "pecking order" and Thainess....

Sorry, got to totally disagree with you on this one, at least in my case.

Example #1 - Few years back my wife was struck by a drunk driver and in serious condition in the hospital. Me and son were there. His phone rings. He answers and I can immediately see his shoulders tense up. It is a short, very terse conversation and he hangs up. I ask him, "What's up?" He tells me the man who used to be his father called to check on my wife. He told him not to bother, as his real father was taking good care of things, and for him not to call again.

Example #2 - Me and "daughter" (niece) are at the mall together and happen to run into her birth father and his latest wife. In English, he asks how she is, she tells him fine, rather tersely, then asks why he cares. "Well, I'm your father," he replied. She shot back - "Bullshit! You never treated me as a daughter. You acted like you were ashamed of me. Dean is more a father to me that you ever were, or ever could be." Then took my arm and walked away. What surprised me was that the whole conversation was in English. She explained he used to be an English teacher at one time.

So, two different kids, one boy, one girl, who both feel the same way about me. Kind of blows your theory out of the water.

Edited March 19, 2016 by Just1Voice

[happy Joe]

Yes, it does seem like 3:1 in favour of the positive.

The reason I asked, was I was discussing this with a colleague, who is of the opinion probably less than 10% of expats have a positive influence on the their partners children. I disagree, but was not sure, so I thought I would put it out here.

For me the fact to transform a Thai child in well full blond head is totally unrealistic and undesirable.

It must continue to evolve in his world with some contributions of ours in addition.

Here, the primary objective is not the skill but serenity and joy of living. Why change it ?

Edited March 19, 2016 by happy Joe

[benalibina]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

Blood, and especially Thai blood is thicker than water (PARENTAL love, can ONLY come from the parents). The maternal father, no matter how much a low life he is will ALWAYS have more influence over the kids than a foreign husband, regardless. He will see it as his "cash cow" and use whatever means to milk it. The kids will ALWAYS honour him because he is Thai and their father, no matter what. It is all part of the "pecking order" and Thainess....

Sorry, got to totally disagree with you on this one, at least in my case.

Example #1 - Few years back my wife was struck by a drunk driver and in serious condition in the hospital. Me and son were there. His phone rings. He answers and I can immediately see his shoulders tense up. It is a short, very terse conversation and he hangs up. I ask him, "What's up?" He tells me the man who used to be his father called to check on my wife. He told him not to bother, as his real father was taking good care of things, and for him not to call again.

Example #2 - Me and "daughter" (niece) are at the mall together and happen to run into her birth father and his latest wife. In English, he asks how she is, she tells him fine, rather tersely, then asks why he cares. "Well, I'm your father," he replied. She shot back - "Bullshit! You never treated me as a daughter. You acted like you were ashamed of me. Dean is more a father to me that you ever were, or ever could be." Then took my arm and walked away. What surprised me was that the whole conversation was in English. She explained he used to be an English teacher at one time.

So, two different kids, one boy, one girl, who both feel the same way about me. Kind of blows your theory out of the water.

I wanted to write only something positive about your response above, I really did ! However whilst starting to write this response, something struck me. Based on the little of what you have written, the natural dad doesnt seem to be a bad man. Why do his own kids resent him, as it does not make sense ?

Give it some more thought, if you want ofcourse.

[MaeJoMTB]

I had a young Thai village girl (age 12) move in with me shortly after I got married.

From the same village as my wife, nobody wanted her.

She's a great girl, 17 now, perfect English, polite, does well in school.

I couldn't hope for a better daughter than she has been to me.

Never any trouble.

[Just1Voice]

Sorry, got to totally disagree with you on this one, at least in my case.

Example #1 - Few years back my wife was struck by a drunk driver and in serious condition in the hospital. Me and son were there. His phone rings. He answers and I can immediately see his shoulders tense up. It is a short, very terse conversation and he hangs up. I ask him, "What's up?" He tells me the man who used to be his father called to check on my wife. He told him not to bother, as his real father was taking good care of things, and for him not to call again.

Example #2 - Me and "daughter" (niece) are at the mall together and happen to run into her birth father and his latest wife. In English, he asks how she is, she tells him fine, rather tersely, then asks why he cares. "Well, I'm your father," he replied. She shot back - "Bullshit! You never treated me as a daughter. You acted like you were ashamed of me. Dean is more a father to me that you ever were, or ever could be." Then took my arm and walked away. What surprised me was that the whole conversation was in English. She explained he used to be an English teacher at one time.

So, two different kids, one boy, one girl, who both feel the same way about me. Kind of blows your theory out of the water.

I wanted to write only something positive about your response above, I really did ! However whilst starting to write this response, something struck me. Based on the little of what you have written, the natural dad doesnt seem to be a bad man. Why do his own kids resent him, as it does not make sense ?

Give it some more thought, if you want ofcourse.

I understand your question, and I'll try to answer. Natural father of my son originally came from a decent family, but was lazy, didn't want to work, and typical "womanizer" who cheated on the mother of their son constantly. On the day my son was born, my wife's cousins found him shacked up with some 16 year old in a cheap hotel room. They beat the shit out of him. For a while he had a job as a tuk tuk driver, then a taxi driver, but lost both due to alcohol problems. Couldn't put food on the table, but always had money for the bottle. Wife finally had enough and divorced him. After that they hardly saw him. He had no interest in his son, and was soon remarried and had another woman pregnant. About the only time they had any contact with him was when he called or came over to try and borrow money from them. When I came along, they hadn't heard from him in over 5 years, but when he found out she had married a farang, he was quick to ask for money to "help him out". Wife told him where to get off.

In the case of the daughter, he started off good, had a good education and job, but liked the ladies too much. Cheated on daughter's mother every chance he got. She finally said enough and divorced him. He remarried shortly after, and has managed to stay with this one, but never took an interest in his daughter's life. She tried on a number of occasions to have a relationship with him, but he would put her off, and act like she wasn't his daughter, and really didn't want her around. Finally she said to hell with him. Then I came along, married her aunt, and she became my daughter.

I've been extremely fortunate to have two wonderful kids grow to love, trust and respect me, and have both of them proud to call me "Dad". Life is good.

[louse1953]

IMHO, I don't think a farang step dad will be taken seriously by the thai children most of the times. High probability they'll be mostly seen as only cash providers.

Spoken like a typical TV poster; no-doubt originating in the same monetary-relationship mentality.

Children seek parental love and flourish in it. If you will be the father, instead of just an ATM machine, things will work out much better. However, the problem may be what the wife/gf actually thinks of you. If the child's mother treats you as nothing more than a long-term customer and ATM; what is the poor child to think?

Blood, and especially Thai blood is thicker than water (PARENTAL love, can ONLY come from the parents). The maternal father, no matter how much a low life he is will ALWAYS have more influence over the kids than a foreign husband, regardless. He will see it as his "cash cow" and use whatever means to milk it. The kids will ALWAYS honour him because he is Thai and their father, no matter what. It is all part of the "pecking order" and Thainess....

Sad.

[uthaithanirules]

Do you guys REALLY think that Thai women "prefer Farang" men? Maybe some do but most prefer their own.

You do get that by merely asking that question you are giving away too much about yourself

[Patsycat]

Lovely stories.

[catman20]

I feel I made a very positive impact on the son. When i met my wife the son was in the lowest class in school.> he did not study thought when he finished mat 6 he would go work on the farm and catch frogs.

Now he has 1 year to go at Rangsit university and he will be a medical technician.He met a new gf. Her parents direct the McCormack hospital in Chiang Rai and the Overbrook in Chaing Mai. When graduated he has a job already

If not for me he would be working on the farm,and be dating a pig farmer.

A really good part is he has matured so much with the new chances in life.He has become a very thoughtful and caring young man.He was bright enough to see opportunity and not abuse it.

The daughter is another story.

What about the mother's role in your willingness to try to have an impact on his educational life ?

Was/is his natural father in the picture ?

Mother wanted son have education,but worked for 7900 baht a month when I met her. she couldnot even feed herself and family some days. Her Thai husband gave nothing to the home.. Her help was purely supportive emotionally.

The father is a drunk. Since i came into the picture, he has not even bothered to call,he does not care about his children.He has contributed nothing. Not even his time to call.Son wants nothing to do with natural father.Daughter loves her father and hates me totally opposite.

[catman20]

Fare play to you ur a better man than i am. A thankless task

[moose7117]

i have put a thai stepson through high school and now in his last year of university.

a while ago i had trouble with the wife.

i decided to sell my house in ubon.

i transferred it into stepsons name and asked him to sell it for me.

i was on a remote mine site in western Australia at the time.

boy sells house and i don't hear anything from him for a month.

i get an sms " dad check your bank"

every satang from the sale was in my bank account.

i know that without my constant pushing and blatant bribery in the early years he would not have the values he has now.

the teenage daughter i have , although a wonderful girl , is slowly getting better.

i do believe we can make a difference in their lives even if we only give them the financial support that allows them to succeed, and i receive a small amount of personal satisfaction knowing that the boy/young man can have opportunities that would have been impossible before i came along.

Rob