funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Hi, ive been a regular watcher of the TV board for some time but never really posted much. My life now is in a complete shambles and for one reason or another (basically the total humiliation) ive got no one (other than my wife!!) to talk this through with, perhaps this process will be cathartic or theraputic in some way too! Anyway - here goes......... Ok so this is why I am in a mess – a week ago my wife told me that she doesn’t love me, has never really loved me and that she loves someone else (this was a total surprise as apart from one trip away has never spent any nights away from me in the UK). We have been married three and a half years after living together for three years before that. I am 4 years older than her, I met her in Thailand when she was 23 and me 27- we lived together in Thailand for three years before moving to the UK. She had never had any kind of boyfriend before me, comes from a middle class Thai family and has a very good education. We have lived in the UK since marrying – and she has got on very well, has a professional job (although not very well paid job) and has made many friends independently from me. Our relationship has always been very close but apparently it would seem (to her) more of a brother sister relationship than a husband and wife! Six months ago she travelled to the States on her own to see a friend that now lives over there. This was a big deal for her as she had never travelled anywhere on her own before – she spent two nights in NY on her own before meeting her friend. During these two nights she met a Swiss man and slept with him (only the second person she has slept with). Since then she has been e-mailing and texting him on a constant basis. Since her telling me this a week ago I have managed to look on her phone and check the text messages – (I have yet managed to get into her e-mail account, but I am working on it!) and discovered that most of them are of a sexual nature far more explicit than I could ever imagine her being comfortable with and secondly he (as you would expect) viewed the relationship as a good bit of fun in NY and nothing more – and had presumably kept the texting going so he could show them off to his mates in the pub! Just before my wife confessed to me she sent a text to him telling him she loved him – he immediately sent one back saying never to contact him again and that he has no feelings for her. She told me to begin with that she thinks we should separate, I agreed. I told her my plan was to leave and find a teaching job outside the UK ASAP (as I have no real desire to be in the UK other than its what she wanted). As a complete break away would probably be the best. I should add at this point that I am completely in love with my wife, and can’t actually imagine doing anything away from her. She has now backtracked a bit and said that she wants me to continue living with her (but wants a divorce so can feel completely free) for the near future and see what happens- but she has freedom to find someone else – and if she can’t then she still has me. She agrees this is selfish and unfair but says its how she feels! I think she is also worried about how my family will react as she has a very good and close relationship with them, and also how she is going to cope living alone. She is, however, completely obsessed with the Swiss man and is planning one day on going to live and work in his home town, just so she can ‘walk on the land he walks on’ and said she would happily have a baby from him even if he never wanted to see her again (she used to always say she never wanted children for a long time). This sounds like an obsession and possible stalking to me and totally irrational. I’ve contemplated ringing this guy up (ive got his number from her mobile) and explaining how my wife is thinking (he never knew she was married) and maybe getting him to put her off by sounding a complete bastard. Maybe I will! Not necessarily coz its going to help with her feelings towards me - i just think she is making a fool of herself and wasting her time! I never guessed any of this was going on but there was some strange behaviour, for example during the world cup I betted on South Korea to beat Switzerland in one match – and my wife went completely crazy on me. I only figured out why a week ago! She also got excited by Roger Federer at tennis – she never even liked tennis! Oh and my wife conveniently will be receiving her British citizenship any day soon! I have accused her of completely using me – which she denies and is very hurt by the suggestion. I honestly know using me like this was never ever the intention but it has worked out rather conveniently for her. She says she was so innocent when she met me she didn't understand what she really felt! Yes I feel humiliated, used and completely hurt – but I love my wife so much. The unfaithfulness with the Swiss guy never bothered me at all - it’s the fact that she can meet someone for two days and feel this way! But truth be told I am as completely obsessed with her as she is with him – although at least I have 6 years to base this on! I am not really expecting any advice, but if you have any you may as well tell me. And if you want to take the p*** that’s fine too as I cant feel any lower than I do now! Regards! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 What a bitch, throw her out mate. Did you get married in the UK or Thailand bt the way? It might be a serious factor when considering divorce if you have any assets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phibunmike Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Bad luck. Move on, it is over. She has not had many relationships, is immature in relationships, and has screwed up. Also, she WAS using you because she said she NEVER loved you. Take it on the chin, it will hurt for a while, you WILL get over it, move on. Many have been where you are now (in a failed relationship that is now one-sided). The only reason she has backtracked is she is scared to be on her own. Don't fall for it. Move on. In a few months you will be happy. You will get over it. Everybody does. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 What a bitch, throw her out mate. Did you get married in the UK or Thailand bt the way? It might be a serious factor when considering divorce if you have any assets. married in th UK but have no assets at all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Someone else will know more for sure, but if divorced she may be entitled to some of your earnings I think. I could be wrong though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAWP Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Her backtracking is to use you as a security-blanket until she finds another person to continue on with. Don't let her use you this way. And it's all to easy for her to do this, since you love her and might do whatever she askes you too...and she might know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jawa4life Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 i feel for you mate, leave her and move on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Her backtracking is to use you as a security-blanket until she finds another person to continue on with. Don't let her use you this way. And it's all to easy for her to do this, since you love her and might do whatever she askes you too...and she might know it. you are right but unfortunely i am a fool! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Her backtracking is to use you as a security-blanket until she finds another person to continue on with. Don't let her use you this way. And it's all to easy for her to do this, since you love her and might do whatever she askes you too...and she might know it. you are right but unfortunely i am a fool! Time you stop being foolish then isn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phibunmike Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Her backtracking is to use you as a security-blanket until she finds another person to continue on with. Don't let her use you this way. And it's all to easy for her to do this, since you love her and might do whatever she askes you too...and she might know it. you are right but unfortunely i am a fool! Time you stop being foolish then isn't it. bkk is right - she used you - before you married she said she loved you, didn't she ? then she said she never loved you. she used you. drop her fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nam Kao Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Sorry to hear this, It sounds like your holding together well though, I would have lost it for sure I hope things work out -nam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
binnsy Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Get yourself on a plane and forget her.I have had a wife leave me so what did i do go out a pissed it up not a smart thing to do but seemed it at the time. Lucky for me meet someone else but still thing about her Seems odd when your wife leaves you as it is normally the man playing away Time is a healer ATB 4 the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patex Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 fun?fun?fun? TROLLALARM! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Couthy Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Someone else will know more for sure, but if divorced she may be entitled to some of your earnings I think. I could be wrong though. She's entitled to sod all : I know, I went through this a few years a back. If your missus has been working, which after 6 months in UK she is entitled to do on a settlement visa, then as there are no kids, and you can show that the relationship has collapsed as a result of her infidelity - you have no worries at all. My ex Thai wife is now in lumber as she is still trying to put off payment for joint bills. Banks don't back off easily though................... Mine started shagging her boss - who was then promptly sacked and then divorced by his English wife which will no doubt cost him till his dying day............. We used to have a maxim in the RAF - never screw down the ranks. Always comes back to bite you. The current Ms Couthy understands any behaviour of this type means immediate and final termination of relationship. One learns - sorry for your hardship and pain, but move on - tomorrow is another day and if you've got some mates go out get pissed a few times - it takes the edge off. Regards, Couthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 fun?fun?fun?TROLLALARM! yes slightly ironic but i chose the name monthsand months ago when very pi****! i wish it was a troll. I am appreciating peoples comments though as i havent spoken to anyone about this at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacknDanny Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 fun?fun?fun?TROLLALARM! Patex has a point. If you are as distraught as this guy sounds, why have a name funfunfun??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phibunmike Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 (edited) fun?fun?fun? TROLLALARM! Patex has a point. If you are as distraught as this guy sounds, why have a name funfunfun??? First posts were in February, not connected to current topic... edit> spelling Edited November 5, 2006 by phibunmike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JacknDanny Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 fun?fun?fun? TROLLALARM! yes slightly ironic but i chose the name monthsand months ago when very pi****! i wish it was a troll. I am appreciating peoples comments though as i havent spoken to anyone about this at all. Assuming you are for real, then I can only reitterate what everyone else is telling you. Get shut NOW. Get divorced. It will hurt but if you carry on the relationship, I guarantee further down the line it will hurt you alot more both emotionally and financially Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farma Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 It’s over, pure and simple. She’s already told you so. It’ll be hard on you to start with, but remember there are plenty more fish in the ocean. First thing you need to do is see a lawyer. Listen very carefully to what they say. She’ll be seeing one as well if she hasn’t done so already. It sounds like she’s using you as a safety blanket. Be careful. Most divorces start nice and friendly then rapidly deteriorate once lawyers get involved. Do not get into a fight. One legal trick is to find any excuse to get a domestic violence order against the husband. Once that happens, you’re on a loser in court. Start looking for accommodation elsewhere. Whatever happens, get the divorce and start enjoying life again. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 lawyers will not be involved. We really really have no assets - a grand and a half in debt but no assets and no mortgage. Apart from what ive outlined in the original post my wife is genuinely one of the most honest and decent peole i have ever met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonsaimax Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 my wife is genuinely one of the most honest and decent peole i have ever met. Understandably, you still are in denial. Do yourself a favour mate, and move on as what the others have suggested. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farma Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Does anyone know about spousal maintenance in the UK? I know it exists as I have friends paying it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Dan Sai Kid Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Does anyone know about spousal maintenance in the UK?I know it exists as I have friends paying it. You should go on the visa section and find out if she is still eligible for citizenship - if you are not married you have to wait something like 5 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittheimp Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 bad luck mate, it sounds very tough. She probably has strong feelings for you but not the kind of love you both need. make strong decisions, don't let her manipulate you - but you perhaps can also remain quite close - so you dont lose her completely! She may well be a genuinely decent person that made a mistake by not being honest with herself and you sooner! I wouldn't worry about the Swiss thing, she will get over that in time as you will with her. Good luck to you both! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Does anyone know about spousal maintenance in the UK? I know it exists as I have friends paying it. You should go on the visa section and find out if she is still eligible for citizenship - if you are not married you have to wait something like 5 years. I dont want to be vindictive, i want her to be happy if she is with me or not. Her application is being processed at the moment so she may well get it before the statrt of the new year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swain Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 (edited) Exit stage left.... Get out now... Either way.. Women do not respect men that will roll over and take it like a lap dog. Get a divorce, and have NO contact with her for at least 3 months...and then take a personal assessment and see how strong you are... if you are still that lap dog... take another 3 months before communicating. Sexual obsession is common for someone that has been in one long term relationship and little more. She says she wants out.. You give this to her QUICKLY. EVEN IF YOU WANT HER BACK.. She will find out what the world is like and find out that she had something good and blew it. Getting out is the best thing for you as well right now. Even if after some time she finds out what a mistake she made and you have moved on at least you will have the satisfaction of her coming back hat in hand. You have to get a spine now.. PAINFUL YES.. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!! I FEEL FOR YOU. .... but if you stay around her you will lose any ... and I mean any ... chance of ever being with her again except as a lap dog. In my case she came back hat in hand... though we didn’t get back together, we had a sexual fling that was better than any sex we had when we were married. Edited November 5, 2006 by swain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GuestHouse Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Shagging guys she meets within a day of going on holiday and then carrying on with a relationship over phone/email (inclusive of explicit text messages and lord only knows what in emails). Go see a lawyer and look for the best way of getting rid of her as quickly as possible. The longer things drag on the worse they will get. Be aware that she will also get advice which may include fabricating accusations against you. She might for example throw you out of your house claiming you abused her (I've seen advice sheets given to women that include this suggestion). Get her out of your house and life as soon as you can. With a bit of luck she'll s0d off to Switzerland and discover exactly why the object of her desires has suddenly cut all contact. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Be aware that she will also get advice which may include fabricating accusations against you.She might for example throw you out of your house claiming you abused her (I've seen advice sheets given to women that include this suggestion). Wise words for FFF. As much as you think lawyers may not be involved you are at the moment putty in her hands. Start packing her things up, talking about divorce etc. and she might bring out the 'big guns' and give you a he11 of a time in the courts. If she has Thai friends in the UK as well they might very well help her along with this or suggest this action. I don't know the score with spousal maintence but you dont want her eating away at your wage packet in the future. Did you see that recent youtube vid with the english guy who got screwed by his Thai wife? You dont wanna end up like that guy. Just keep your guard up during this time, be wise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farma Posted November 5, 2006 Share Posted November 5, 2006 Something else to think about. She's had 6 months head start planning this divorce. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funfunfun Posted November 5, 2006 Author Share Posted November 5, 2006 Be aware that she will also get advice which may include fabricating accusations against you.She might for example throw you out of your house claiming you abused her (I've seen advice sheets given to women that include this suggestion). Wise words for FFF. As much as you think lawyers may not be involved you are at the moment putty in her hands. Start packing her things up, talking about divorce etc. and she might bring out the 'big guns' and give you a he11 of a time in the courts. If she has Thai friends in the UK as well they might very well help her along with this or suggest this action. I don't know the score with spousal maintence but you dont want her eating away at your wage packet in the future. Did you see that recent youtube vid with the english guy who got screwed by his Thai wife? You dont wanna end up like that guy. Just keep your guard up during this time, be wise. You might think (probably rightfully!) that i have no grip of reality but the situation outlined above is completely wide of the mark. She has no Thai friends in the UK, We have no assets to divide up and no children. She is pretty naive (although perhaps not as niave as me!), The very likely reaction from her family is shock and disappointment as I got on very well with them and i intend to keep in some contact with her mother who only showed kindness towards me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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