Monday Pun

[Boon Mee]

On his way to work, a driver swerved to avoid a box that fell from a

truck. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

But another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen

retrieved the box and found that it contained tacks. "Nonetheless," the

first trooper told the driver, "I have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the

driver asked why. The trooper replied,

"Tacks evasion."

[Grover]

incredibly cheesy.

[Pink Mist]

really nailed that one

[guardian]

[Grover]

really nailed that one

shamelessly cheesy

[Pink Mist]

really nailed that one

shamelessly cheesy

just making a point

[Thaddeus]

A local news paper (insert the name of your home town here __________) ran a pun competition (insert the name here________ we'll use Tom)

Tom sent in ten entries... did he win? .... no

Did he get into the top ten?... no

No pun in ten did.

I'll get my coat

[Grover]

really nailed that one

shamelessly cheesy

just making a point

your such a prick

[Crossy]

really nailed that one

shamelessly cheesy

just making a point

your such a prick

A rather tacky remark what

[kayo]

But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

[Thaddeus]

But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

Wais

[davidjtayler]

But I mean, to come up with a good pun, is like trying to find a needle in a haystack!

You hit the nail on the head there Kayo !

[Prudent_rabbit]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and

says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have

your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about

an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to

disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he

said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up

a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers

from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition

was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would

not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most

vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the

friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close

up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can

prevent florist friars.

and the best (!) till last

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered

from bad breath. This made him A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[cowboygwe]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion

allowed per passenger."

Love it!!

[kayo]

Prudent Rabbit... Those are hilarious!

But, pray tell, each of those is worthy of it's own indivual thread. Why put them altogether on another joke thread... such waste of good humour..

[Robski]

Quality stuff PR I was pissin myself by number 5, I'm still chuklin now, cheers.

[Pink Mist]

they are great for sure, maybe we should have a pinned section for these classics.

give me some feedback to work with.

[Grover]

they are great for sure, maybe we should have a pinned section for these classics.

give me some feedback to work with.

good idea. too many pages (235) to sift through looking for the gems.

Edited November 15, 2006 by Grover

[Pink Mist]

might be able to have the gems pinned, thats easy, but maybe have most jokes accessable to, out of those 235 pages there are heaps of repeat jokes and comments from punters too.

will ask the boss and see what he says

[suegha]

Prudent Rabbit... Those are hilarious!

But, pray tell, each of those is worthy of it's own indivual thread. Why put them altogether on another joke thread... such waste of good humour..

I agree! I had heard many of them before, but classics need to be re-vamped.

[Robski]

This one is also worthy, not jokes as such but well put together and very witty.

The Value of Drink

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think

about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their

dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish

and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hel_l happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they

wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the

history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the

wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does

not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

~ Cliff Clavin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not