The Ramblings Of A Drunk In Los

[JaiYenSabai]

I hope that you guys will indulge my thoughts on my recently found sobriety. I find it theraputic to put my thoughts from keyboard to screen and maybe what I'm going through will help someone else who thinks they may have a problem.

I prefer to stay anonomous so I will not go in to specifics but I've had alot of emotions come out since I've given up the drink and wanted to share.

I knew that I had a problem for a long time but I did my best to control/hide it, but at the end of the day I don't think that I was hiding anything, ecspecially from the people around me. My answer to that was to sorround myself with people who were just as self destructive as me(not hard to find in LOS). That worked for a long time untill I finally realised that I was completely losing control of myself and abusing the people around me , not the drinkers, but the people who really cared about me. Thank goodness it never got phisical but I know myself how painful mental abuse can be, so I sought help.

I want to say again that my sobriety is recent and I'm still trying to focus ,to get to this point my answer has been AA, but I am having mixed feelings about that. When I get them sorted I will let you know. What I have found in AA is people who are willing to give of themselves, to tell you their story, how they got there and how bad they want to stay sober. I learned pretty fast that speaking of your experiences helped you and the people that were listening, I believe that it's a win win situation.

This is not an AA "Rah Rah" thread it is my own personal experience so far and how it's affected me. As I continue going to meetings I continue having mixed feelings, either I'm in denial or I'm not truly an alcoholic, that's something I will need to discover for myself. I will say that I have been honest and have not touched alcohol since the night before my first meeting.

One of the first things I learned was that I'm not alone, that gives me comfort, but I can't help but wonder if I can get well enough to drink again? The meetings to me are therapy, for once in my life I can talk about my feelings without being drunk. This is a very foreighn concept, I have been closed and gaurded all of my life, It's hard to admit weakness and express my feelings, but I'm doing it!!!

If you are thinking about getting help I encourage you to stop thinking and do it! You may just feel better. If you choose AA I will tell you right now there is nothing to fear. These guys won't bite, there main priority is to keep themselves sober but they will help you if you ask. If your mind is open to help then you better prepare yourself to learn that you are indeed human and not alone. As you listen to other people you will find that you are not as unique as you thought, there are others who are going through the same thing and there are many survivors who came back from hel_l.

I'm having an inner struggle right now because I would very much like to drink again in a controlled fashion. I've never made a serious attempt to do this. I have made half hearted attempts and failed every time, but I hope that I'm well enough to try again one day and really try to control it! I will not make a schedule to do this but I know in my heart that I need to be sober for at least 90 days to get my thoughts straight, after that amount of time I will revaluate to see what progree I have made, but no, I am not going to drink on my 91st day of sobriety. Setting a date like that to me is a recipe for destruction and failure, I know myself all too well, I won't do that!!

I'll stop for now, Thank You for listening.

[toptuan]

I'm having an inner struggle right now because I would very much like to drink again in a controlled fashion.

I believe every human being has some kind of addiction--just some addictions are less self-destructive, or more socially acceptable than others. But, we all know the same magical pull that can override the senses and intellect.

Your statement, above, rings alarm bells. I'm told that for an alchoholic, 1 drop of alchohol needs to be viewed as 1 drop of poison that can kill you. One drop is enough to take countrol of you, once again. Alchoholics who have successfully "stayed on the wagon" have had to be teetotalers the rest of their lives, and one drink would be enough to start them on the long slide once again. You may have to give up that dream in order to stay healthy and sober for the rest of your life.

Good luck buddy, and anybody who reads your thoughts is pulling for you.

[chiang mai]

I hope that you guys will indulge my thoughts on my recently found sobriety. I find it theraputic to put my thoughts from keyboard to screen and maybe what I'm going through will help someone else who thinks they may have a problem.

I prefer to stay anonomous so I will not go in to specifics but I've had alot of emotions come out since I've given up the drink and wanted to share.

I knew that I had a problem for a long time but I did my best to control/hide it, but at the end of the day I don't think that I was hiding anything, ecspecially from the people around me. My answer to that was to sorround myself with people who were just as self destructive as me(not hard to find in LOS). That worked for a long time untill I finally realised that I was completely losing control of myself and abusing the people around me , not the drinkers, but the people who really cared about me. Thank goodness it never got phisical but I know myself how painful mental abuse can be, so I sought help.

I want to say again that my sobriety is recent and I'm still trying to focus ,to get to this point my answer has been AA, but I am having mixed feelings about that. When I get them sorted I will let you know. What I have found in AA is people who are willing to give of themselves, to tell you their story, how they got there and how bad they want to stay sober. I learned pretty fast that speaking of your experiences helped you and the people that were listening, I believe that it's a win win situation.

This is not an AA "Rah Rah" thread it is my own personal experience so far and how it's affected me. As I continue going to meetings I continue having mixed feelings, either I'm in denial or I'm not truly an alcoholic, that's something I will need to discover for myself. I will say that I have been honest and have not touched alcohol since the night before my first meeting.

One of the first things I learned was that I'm not alone, that gives me comfort, but I can't help but wonder if I can get well enough to drink again? The meetings to me are therapy, for once in my life I can talk about my feelings without being drunk. This is a very foreighn concept, I have been closed and gaurded all of my life, It's hard to admit weakness and express my feelings, but I'm doing it!!!

If you are thinking about getting help I encourage you to stop thinking and do it! You may just feel better. If you choose AA I will tell you right now there is nothing to fear. These guys won't bite, there main priority is to keep themselves sober but they will help you if you ask. If your mind is open to help then you better prepare yourself to learn that you are indeed human and not alone. As you listen to other people you will find that you are not as unique as you thought, there are others who are going through the same thing and there are many survivors who came back from hel_l.

I'm having an inner struggle right now because I would very much like to drink again in a controlled fashion. I've never made a serious attempt to do this. I have made half hearted attempts and failed every time, but I hope that I'm well enough to try again one day and really try to control it! I will not make a schedule to do this but I know in my heart that I need to be sober for at least 90 days to get my thoughts straight, after that amount of time I will revaluate to see what progree I have made, but no, I am not going to drink on my 91st day of sobriety. Setting a date like that to me is a recipe for destruction and failure, I know myself all too well, I won't do that!!

I'll stop for now, Thank You for listening.

Just hang in there, everyone is with you. Good luck

[JaiYenSabai]

Thank You for the encouraging words, and I also hear the warning alarm bells, I'm being careful!!

Today I'm having more mixed feelings but I am at least confronting them and taking the time to listen to what's going on in my head. What is bothering me the most today is that I'm not yet willing to say that I am powerless against alcohol. To say this is totally against every belief that I have of controlling my own life. I'm a tough guy, independent, succesful.. sure I've failed before at many things, but I haven't (really) even tried quitting/controlling my alcohol before, untill now.

I'm smart enough to know that not all drunks are the same. Not all drunks need to drink daily. Not all drunks hit bottom. I never hit bottom, I'm a binge drinker who sometimes blacks out, sometimes gets stupid and sometimes gets mean. This I need to stop! The question I have is do I want to stop binge drinking or completely stop drinking? Do I want to do it on my own or do I want/need to go to meetings for the rest of my life? Can I do it on my own is the biggest question of all! These are some of the things that are bothering me.

I geuss the first thing that I need to answer is am I really an alcoholic. I take the tests (questionares) and I normally fail but I'm sure that thousands of others do also. I found a test on the moderate drinking website last night and scored as somebody who has the potential to be a problem drinker, so which test is right?

I am positive of one thing, I have a drinking problem, that's what got me to AA and I am still very grateful to all those who are helping me, but at the same time I am very angry that I let myself get to the point that I had to ask for help!!

[Thumchok]

Thank You for the encouraging words, and I also hear the warning alarm bells, I'm being careful!!

Today I'm having more mixed feelings but I am at least confronting them and taking the time to listen to what's going on in my head. What is bothering me the most today is that I'm not yet willing to say that I am powerless against alcohol. To say this is totally against every belief that I have of controlling my own life. I'm a tough guy, independent, succesful.. sure I've failed before at many things, but I haven't (really) even tried quitting/controlling my alcohol before, untill now.

I'm smart enough to know that not all drunks are the same. Not all drunks need to drink daily. Not all drunks hit bottom. I never hit bottom, I'm a binge drinker who sometimes blacks out, sometimes gets stupid and sometimes gets mean. This I need to stop! The question I have is do I want to stop binge drinking or completely stop drinking? Do I want to do it on my own or do I want/need to go to meetings for the rest of my life? Can I do it on my own is the biggest question of all! These are some of the things that are bothering me.

I geuss the first thing that I need to answer is am I really an alcoholic. I take the tests (questionares) and I normally fail but I'm sure that thousands of others do also. I found a test on the moderate drinking website last night and scored as somebody who has the potential to be a problem drinker, so which test is right?

I am positive of one thing, I have a drinking problem, that's what got me to AA and I am still very grateful to all those who are helping me, but at the same time I am very angry that I let myself get to the point that I had to ask for help!!

JYS ,

Not trying to turn you against your decision , and good luck with your battle .

I haven't seen the test , but I believe that I would also qualify . Am I going to do anything about it ? Not at this point , as I see no real threat . My father was classed as an alcoholic although he never hung around long enough for me to know what implications took place .

The question we have to ask is why we drink ?

Many people have different reasons and they change at times .

A couple of years ago after my second marriage break up , I was sitting at my mothers drowning my sorrows . Wondering how I was going to make ends meet , and get back on my feet .

Was it because I loved the girl ? No , definately not .

My mother became quite concerned as after a few drinks I do get emmotional . Not violent , I just open up more and talk more about what is really going on inside my head . For some people this can turn towards violence , or at least lack of respect for others around him .

I came to Bangkok a few days later for work related reasons and ran in to my present partner .

I returned home a changed man and my Mother told me whatever I had done to get back and do it again .

I drink now for the company more than anything . If I am at home by myself or with the missus I rarely touch a drop . When friends come to town , I enjoy drinking with them and sharing stories and will often drink from early afternoon until the early hours of the morning . Usually my GF is by my side or at least knows where I am .

If you are the same , then I see you have no real problem . If you can drink a substitute for alchohol , while your friends drink themselves into oblivion and still enjoy their company . Then you don't really need the alcohol to get the same stimulation . I know none of my friends would mind or try to turn someone who has chosen to given up drinking , or would shun him for such an act .

Best of luck with your decision , you have my support .

Best of luck also to my friends who drank with me , listened to me and gave me support through my time of need .

[Neeranam]

Can I do it on my own is the biggest question of all!

I'd say a bigger question is, 'do I really want to stop?'

If yes, you can easily answer the other question - try to quit on your own.

If you can, great. I tried for many years and couldn't.

The question we have to ask is why we drink ?

Some people drink just because they love the effect. Drinking was the 'solution' to my problems of shyness, anxiety etc. The most important thing was to stop, ending all the craziness and destruction - then look at why I drank in the first place and fix those things.

For me, self-examination, meditation and prayer are the answer.

Fellowship with others doing the same makes it much easier.

Wishing you all the best

N N

[sabaijai]

The American Medical Association's screening test (part of an excellent 31-page document on assessing for alcohol use disorders, follow-up and treatment), makes the distinction between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence, which you may find helpful.

AMA screening

Also, check some of the other threads on this I Drink Too Much forum branch, you'll find lots of info and opinions.

Can you resume moderate drinking at some point? I have known people with alcohol dependence disorder who have been able to do so but they represent a minority (of alcohol-dependents I have known). On the other hand some surveys I've seen suggest that abstinence carries more risk of a relapse to dependence than moderatation. Not sure there is any conclusive evidence either way. In the end only you can answer that question, I think.

Good luck with maintaining a sober lifestyle, whichever path you choose.