Rules Of Man

[alvino]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle

with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is

not an option.

I will win.

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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop

the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If

another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be

able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and

everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a

couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me

soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.

You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries

at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic

items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will

insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost

me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it

back together.

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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my

hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a

whole show looking for it . . . though one time I was able to survive

by holding a calculator. (applies to engineers mainly)

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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking

about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or

sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your

mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about

her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is

okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something

for my mother, too.

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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.

Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if

you are feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least

remember the name and recommend it to others.

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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought

what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of

shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is

fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I

will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the

cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the

rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what

to do next.

This has been a public service message for women to better

understand men.

[Mr Jones]

Amen Brother, Amen