The week that was in Thailand news: Thailand - sometimes predictable but rarely dull.

[rooster59]

The week that was in Thailand news: Thailand - sometimes predictable but rarely dull.

Though resident for more years in the kingdom than I care to or am able to actually remember I still find Thailand unpredictable and exciting. Maybe I have just gone troppo but for me it often seems to throw up the unexpected, rather like the result of drinking too much strong beer after bowls of som tam and durian.

While monitoring the news here at Thaivisa one can oftentimes be pretty sure what is going to happen next, there are also nuggets of joy when the tourist just off the plane is just as likely to be as correct as a lifer.

There are always those that profess to be the font of all Thai knowledge of course and the forum abounds with sleuths and keyboard know-it-alls who claim to know exactly what has happened, what will follow and precisely what has to be done about it. There is only one job that people of that ilk could successfully hold down in Thailand – government minister.

And so it was that the prize of political plonker of the last seven days must go to the honorable education minister General Dapong Ratanasuwan who proudly announced that all Thais (maybe he meant school kids) will be fluent in English within three years under new guidelines he will introduce.

Rote learning will be banished almost overnight. (I suspect he wrote that sentence out twenty times to make sure he could say it correctly). And a shortfall of about 8,000 teachers nationwide will be solved with one swish of his military wand.

So there we have it by 2019 “Hey You!” will be replaced by “Awfully sorry dear chap but might I have your attention” and “No money no honey” will become “Due to one’s personal circumstances a charge will be incurred for my nighttime services”.

I for one hope the minister’s pies in the sky are never baked and we can enjoy a continuation of the staple fare that gives us Thai speakers a bit of an advantage over the tourists.

To be honest though, this week probably gave us more predictability in the news than surprises but it was still fun to see the stories unfold in all their nutty knicker-blocker glory.

Congratulations must first go to former acting police chief Sanit Mahathavorn who has now truly earned those wings above his medals by being named the new commissioner of the metropolitan police. All those countless hours he has put in appearing at the Ya Ba photo ops and sword wielding reenactments has paid off big time.

His final jobs in the acting role were just cameos but for me he stole the limelight – not an offence in Thailand even for the police, I might add.

He was up front and center when Teeramet the police impersonator was paraded for the press. Sanit was pictured holding the wannabe cop’s bogus uniform up like an Indian tailor on Sukhumvit flogging a suit. Shamefaced Teeramet revealed he just loved the feel of the brown garb and had no intention of dressing up to extort money – how he could claim to be a policeman was beyond me.

And with all those beaming bobbies looking on at the fake medals and insignia I liked the way the reporter made it clear who the real impersonator was, the man on the right, in case we had our doubts.

On Thursday Sanit was behind the scenes (he had already been named commissioner by then) when another copy-cat cop was revealed organizing escorts – no it was not Nataree massage parlor all over again as the escorts sorted out by Worawut were for buses led by his black Camry kitted out with flashing red lights and police radios.

Earlier the photogenic Sanit – maybe that should be photo-hygienic, he scrubs up so well – was on hand again to get everyone to do the lovey-dovey hand gestures and heart shapes that has become his own personal calling card in recent weeks. Well done sir – those innovative gestures are bound to solve the problem of the vicious knife, gun and grenade attacks that technical college students seem to be committing on each other on a daily basis.

Two were arrested for murder this week. One appeared begging for forgiveness in front of his mum who was mysteriously clad in a burka to hide her appearance. The son was wearing a helmet which was just as well because mum was furious not just at her errant boy but the fact that she faces jail time too under new legislation.

In fact, this has been a theme of recent weeks – parents carrying the can for their teenage street racing and drug dealing offspring. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the birthrate go down as Thai mums and dads see less profit and more liability in their kids.

Talking of profit, a number of scams hit the news this week. Definitely predictable this one. There was a billion baht fraud on Forex (the gullible punters thought that meant 4X or forty something percent profit by tomorrow). Another obvious online con promised to double your dosh in a month – thousands were lining up to be skimmed of more than a billion baht in these two.

Even a police doctor got in on the act after he believed an email he got was from PayPal and that he should send someone he didn’t know 50,000 baht because they had overpaid him money he had actually never received. Yes, go figure that one out!

The story said the doctor was famous for having written a book but, no – it was not called “Gullible’s Travels”.

The book he had previously written was actually called “Mor Jep” or a doctor in pain. The follow up tome should perhaps be titled “Mor jep iik laew”, “Doctor in pain again”.

Arch criminals of the week, though, could only go to the two eight year olds who scandalously took down the voting list for the referendum. What could have possessed these fiends to do such a thing and how laughable that their pathetic attempt at mitigation was to say they liked the color pink. Let’s hope these delinquents face the full wrath of the law and that further allegations that they have been in possession of a fake Barbie without a license are properly
investigated.

Meanwhile, I had mixed feelings over the burly Italian and Moroccan hulks studying the art of Muay Thai in Thailand who were robbed of their wallets and motorbike in Pranburi. Of course it is deplorable that they were set upon but it was only three on two on this occasion quite favorable odds not normally seen when Thai yobs take on Westerners in The Battle of the Baht.

Maybe the westerners were worse for wear after drinking or caught by surprise – they were walking their Honda that had run out of gas and they thought the Thai men had kindly turned back and were coming to their aid. Somehow the petrol-less bike was driven off by the thugs though I suspect it was pushed courtesy of their mate’s foot on the other vehicle – one use of the “thaaw” that is always acceptable even welcome in Thailand.

Anyway, hopefully the Sam Roi Yot rozzers will put in one more peak performance and catch the miscreants – and the tourists will put in some extra training with feet and elbows at their Muay Thai base appropriately called the 301 club.

The “Please lock me up for anything up to five years award” went to the driver who thought he was performing a public service by surreptitiously filming the handing over of a red colored note to a highway cop. Did the moronic motorist not realize the trouble he could face for offering a kick-back? And it was revealing to witness that all the Thai public’s comment centered on his offer rather than the predictability and normalcy of who pocketed it.

Bless, I have always felt bri-berry was actually a Thai fruit ripe for the plucking.

Making a big fuss in Bangkok were the top cops who called a press conference, no less, to tell a bemused public that their phone number had not changed – it was still 191. Apparently some unnamed folks had put out rumors that it was the US number 911 from now on. Not that all those policemen currently on inactive posts should worry – they don’t need to pick up the phone either way.

Finally two stories proved that while responses to various stimuli may be predictable, Thai-ness often tickles the funny bone that other nationalities cannot reach.

The first was the news that even though Pokemon Go has not even been officially launched in the Land of Smiles the fake application downloaded by its impatient users had already outstripped even Line and Facebook in the Thai App Store.

When they talk about “Pirates in the Gulf” I always think of Long John Somchais with fake prosthetic limbs and a cargo of dodgy CDs on their way to Panthip.

Lastly was the quirky story about the village shrine and spirit house plonked slap bang in the middle of a busy road. Apparently several villagers who had dissed the idea of a “saan phraphum” in the street had suffered terribly swift and violent deaths just moments later.

Unsurprisingly the superstitious villagers are now convinced of its power to bring parents everything from riches beyond their wildest dreams to exam success for their children, though I thought the latter was guaranteed under education ministry guidelines.

What was nice was that even though some Thaivisa curmudgeons pointed tediously to the idiocy of animism among the Thais, other foreign posters took the story in the right spirit saying they would ask the shrine for the next lottery numbers.

It’s odds-on such less predictable people enjoy Thai life to the full.

-- 2016-07-29

[williamgeorgeallen]

birth rates falling as children are seen more as a liability. loved it.