Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[zzdocxx]

Wow!!!

[Chris Lawrence]

An Aussie and a Kiwi are talking one afternoon over a

cold beer.

After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to

your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got

pregnant and had a baby, Would that make us related?"

The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,

and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would

make us even."

[FBN]

Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the split and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." Replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

[LeungKen]

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock

The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,

They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam

He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.

He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea

But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch

The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car

The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks

Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[peter991]

Statistics

A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study by the Australian Hotel Association found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

This means, on average, Australians get approximately 41 miles per gallon. Not bad!!!

I love statistics!!

[LeungKen]

The following is the first verse of of John O'Grady's poem

"The Intergrated Adjective". though I fear the descendents of Thomas Bowdler, who appear to run this site, may just prudishly alter it from the original.

I was down on Riverina, knockin' round the towns a bit,

An occasionally restin, with a schooner in me mitt;

An' on one o' those occasions, when the bar was pretty full

An the local blokes were arguin' assorted kinds o' bull'

I heard a conversation, most perculiar in it's way,

Because only in Australia would you here a joker say:

"Where yer bloody been, yer drongo? 'Aven't seen yer for a week;

An' yer mate was lookin' fer yer when 'e comes in from the Creek;

'E was lookin' up at Ryan's, an' around at bloody Joe's,

An' even at the Royal where 'e bloody never goes."

An' the other bloke said "Seen 'im. Owed 'im 'alf a bloody quid,

Forgot to give ut back to 'im; but now I bloody did.

Coulda used the thing me-bloody-self, been orf the bloody booze,

Up at Tumba-bloody-rumba shootin' kanga-bloody-roos."

[Momo8]

Aussiderata

When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against that ratbag/bitch.

When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I will know you've finally had sex.

When you are scared, I will kick you up the arse.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to stop whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words.

When you are sick, stay the hel_l away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will laugh at your clumsiness. Then help you up.

Edited December 7, 2007 by Momo8

[Momo8]

Keep your receipts... maybe

Subject: FW: Make sure you read this before opening the picture!!

A friend of mine sent this to me: a workmate bought a LIGHT beer in

> Meekatharra (WA) - about 650km North-East of Perth.

>

> Attached is the receipt he recieved... this is of course why we all

> drink FULL STRENGTH beer.

Scroll on down.....[/size]

Edited December 7, 2007 by Momo8

[gburns57au]

The following is the first verse of of John O'Grady's poem

"The Intergrated Adjective". though I fear the descendents of Thomas Bowdler, who appear to run this site, may just prudishly alter it from the original.

I was down on Riverina, knockin' round the towns a bit,

An occasionally restin, with a schooner in me mitt;

An' on one o' those occasions, when the bar was pretty full

An the local blokes were arguin' assorted kinds o' bull'

I heard a conversation, most perculiar in it's way,

Because only in Australia would you here a joker say:

"Where yer bloody been, yer drongo? 'Aven't seen yer for a week;

An' yer mate was lookin' fer yer when 'e comes in from the Creek;

'E was lookin' up at Ryan's, an' around at bloody Joe's,

An' even at the Royal where 'e bloody never goes."

An' the other bloke said "Seen 'im. Owed 'im 'alf a bloody quid,

Forgot to give ut back to 'im; but now I bloody did.

Coulda used the thing me-bloody-self, been orf the bloody booze,

Up at Tumba-bloody-rumba shootin' kanga-bloody-roos."

Classic bit of Australiana

Was taught this in school

Edited December 17, 2007 by gburns57au

[Jai Dee]

Aboriginal Eggs

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Heyyyyy mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the barstards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

[lioness]

Nearly perfect, however WA does have Daylight saving, started in 2007 after years of debate and the population saying NO. But then again who gives a stuff anyhow, it's all bullshit. Good on yer mate. Avagoodweekend.

[Momo8]

LOL and I don't like racist jokes.

A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car. There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy". The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

[Pink Mist]

Aboriginal Eggs

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Heyyyyy mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the barstards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

is that really a sensitive joke?

[lioness]

I Dreamed of open spaces, miles of nothing in between.

I Dreamed of Roo steak and hot billy tea.

I dreamed with loving adoration of Bulldust, flys and heat

Serving a prison sentence?,

No, a 5 week UK holiday.

[Pink Mist]

[Chopper]

Xmas_kangaroo_2.wmv

A bit late or is it a bit early...

[Jai Dee]

Xmas_kangaroo_2.wmv

A bit late or is it a bit early...

Never too late for a cracker like that...

[peter991]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in his neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 3m man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.

"The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hel_l.

Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

“Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Geoffrey.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Geoffrey.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again, Geoffrey said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?"

Geoffrey said, "I want the name of the white B*#@%&$D who pushed me in the pool.”

*********************************************************************

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Lake Berley Griffin. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the Lake near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings." "Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshol_e and a briefcase."

******************************************************************************

A professor at an Australian university gave a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to ghosts?"

Way in the back, "Angus" raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a

ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

Angus replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he is at the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, "Angus" tell us what it's like to have sex with ghosts?"

"Angus" replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back there I thought you said, 'Goats!'

Peter

[Encid]

Australian Passport Application

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Dick Smith has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

You have my birth date on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my fuc_kin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal <deleted> workin' there? Look at my dam_n picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sake. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hel_l not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another fcukin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too dam_n easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the fcukin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some @sshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddam picture -- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile in?! Fcukin' morons!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate Fcukin' Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1770 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Pommies.

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the Lieutenant Governor of our State for ten years, and I have been doing volunteer work for the CMF for about five years.

However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FCUKIN' CHINA!!!

Edited January 23, 2008 by Encid

[Jandajoy]

Bloody marvellous mate

Good on ya.

[Jai Dee]

Warning: not PC.

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of sudanese, lebanese, maoris or anything at all muslim!"

[Axistar]

Nice stuff, Axel

Unsure if you know this historical fact but all the Dickheads left Qld in the 1880's and went to Melbourne and have been slowly coming back since the 1980's.

Remember, there are only two great states in Australia - Queensland and pissed!!

Thanks mate.

[suegha]

Warning: not PC.

The Bronze Rat

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

"No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of sudanese, lebanese, maoris or anything at all muslim!"

Er, hum-ho!

[Jai Dee]

No 43 – I did

You know you're Australian if.....

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

(from The Sydney Morning Herald, Jan 26, 2008).

[suegha]

14 was my favourite, so true!

[Jai Dee]

This is why beer drinking is an art form to an Aussie.

Click on the link and turn up the volume...

VB Symphony

[suegha]

This is why beer drinking is an art form to an Aussie.

Click on the link and turn up the volume...

VB Symphony

That's fantastic, really great. Thanks!

[FBN]

Aboriginal Eggs

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Heyyyyy mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the barstards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

is that really a sensitive joke?

Not sure I understand this comment...

We take the ........ out of the Aussies in this whole thread and this is no problem..

Mention aboriginals and now we're in the pc mode??

If all jokes had to be "sensitive" we'd have almost nothing on this thread and the world would be well short on laughs and much worse off at that..

[peter991]

Jewish or Aboriginal

A young boy came home from school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.

So he asks, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him.

So he waits until dad gets home from work and asks the same question,"Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal it"

Peter

[Jai Dee]

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean, for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach at Whangarei Heads in his car when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey and hat was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a Waka came cruizing up with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Kora quickly threw a harpoon into the shark`s side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Kora and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between NZ and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, Kora asked Hohepa "Who the hel_l was that, bro?"

"That was the Pope mate," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," Kora said "he may have access to God's wisdom but he don't know Jack Shit about shark fishing......... is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another Aussie?"