chickenslegs

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Sniffer

He gets plenty of beauty sleep

James

Egged

And previous years winners ... 2019: “I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” - I think I might have Florets.” – Olaf Falafel 2018: “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.” – Adam Rowe 2017: “I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” – Ken Cheng 2016: “My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.” – Masai Graham 2015: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.” – Darren Walsh 2014: “I've decided to sell my hoover – well, it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine 2013: “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” – Rob Auton 2012: “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” – Stewart Francis 2011: “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm 2010: “I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.” – Tim Vine 2009: “Hedgehogs – why can't they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski 2008: “I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.” – Zoe Lyons

Top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival 2022 1) “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get Pasta.” Masai Graham got the most votes (52%) 2) “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery?”Mark Simmons – 37% 3) “My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.” Olaf Falafel – 36% 4) “By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and it is the same family.” Hannah Fairweather – 35% 5) “I hate funerals – I’m not a mourning person.” Will Mars – 34% 6) “I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back.” Olaf Falafel – 33% 7) “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.” Richard Pulsford – 29% ???? “I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery." Tim Vine – 28% 9) “Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.” Sophie Duker – 27% 10) “I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days.” Will Duggan – 25%

A lot of people like cats but, for some, it becomes an addiction. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

When I was growing up I liked George Best. Then I changed my mind. I liked Zippy the best.

I sent an email to the spiritual leader of Tibet. A few weeks later I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd emailed Dial-a-Llama by mistake.

Top tip for criminals ... If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!

Roll

The Equalizer. For anyone who hasn't seen the movie - Robert (Denzel) befriends a young sex worker. She is badly beaten by the gang who "own" her. Robert offers to pay off the gang and buy her freedom ...

Kingdom

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Madame

Execution

Ritual

Forgiveness

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Nuclear

Jim

Citrus