chickenslegs

A friend of mine was sacked from his job at the helium factory for causing a major leak. But all his workmates still speak highly of him.

Prince Philip must be spinning in his grave.

Windscreen

Pit

^ This. Assuming that the floor drain has a working "shallow trap" and is rarely used, a bit of vegetable oil in the trap will coat the surface of the water and prevent the water from evaporating too quickly. This also works with P traps, U-bends, bottle traps, etc. if leaving the house unattended for a while.

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to vacuum the floor'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're not better in a week ... ... bring me a 65 inch smart TV'.

More from Tommy Cooper So I said to the doctor: 'People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said: 'How's that?' I said: 'Don't you start!' So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want?' I said: 'I want to stay here'. She said: 'Well stay there' and shut the window. Late one night I heard a knock at the door. I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas. It's a funny place to have a door I know'. I went into a butchers and I said: 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said: 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.' 'I said: 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

I went into my local corner shop and asked for a bottle of brown sauce. The shopkeeper said: How about HP? So now I'm paying 5p a month on a 2-year plan.

A friend of Spongebob Squarepants?

Thirteen

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim? My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.” I took saxophone lessons for six months. Until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? RIP Tommy Cooper.

There was a surprise frost this morning and I didn't have a tool to scrape ice of my windscreen. I had to use my supermarket loyalty card. Only got 5% off.

Aviculturists have bred a messenger pigeon crossed with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.

I bought a Christmas jumper made of polyester, but it keeps picking up static electricity. So I’m going to take it back to the shop and get it exchanged for another one - free of charge…

Apparently it takes up to 12 sheep to make a Christmas jumper. I didn’t even know that sheep could knit.

My friend worked in a circus as a human cannonball act. When he retired they never replaced him - they couldn’t find anyone else of the same calibre.

I lost my job for giving up my seat on the bus for a pregnant lady. Apparently you’re not supposed to do that when you’re the driver.

Curry

Don't invite me to your place on Christmas Eve.

This morning at 6.00am I was rudely awakened by a voice shouting “It’s time to get up, my precious.” It was my new Tolkein alarm clock. That reminds me about an old friend of mine who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?

An actor friend of mine just got a part in the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs panto. But it wasn’t the part he wanted. He isn’t happy.

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole. Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it. Etcetera ...