ballpoint

It's been found that some chemicals in paint affect the body's ability to maintain its temperature. They should have given him another coat.

Back in the late 70s our school somehow got hold of an enormous mainframe that was ancient even back then. It was programmed using punch cards. I remember the teacher telling us we'd better get used to punching them if we wanted a job in computing in the future. (Now there are times when I'd happily punch my computer, but not in the way he meant).

I’ve invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It’s like regular tennis but without the racquet.

My wife dressed up as a sexy policewoman and put me in handcuffs saying I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped.

What start with an "O" , end with an with "nions" and makes some people cry? Opinions.

During the war, my grandfather served as the regimental Christmas tree. He didn’t see much action, but he was highly decorated!

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chainsaw." From the back of the courtroom, a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout. The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

A woman opened a letter from her GP and said to her husband, “That bloody doctor has got a nerve. Last week he told me I have dyslexia, now he is saying I have small breasts”. “Here, let me see”, said her husband, taking the letter from her. “No love, he says you have tinnitus!”