ballpoint

I failed my exam. Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? His last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom of the page Q3. The River Ravi flows in which state? Liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? Marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? Exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? Wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? He sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have ? Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I used to work with a guy called Keth. It was only recently that I discovered he was actually called Keith but he had an eye missing.

I hung a bird feeder in the tree at the end of my garden. That might seem a bit extreme, but he'd been warned.

For sale: ex-Memphis Police car. No Tyre kickers.

I thought it was going to be another Indian in Pattaya story.

I've just seen on a story on the news about teenagers consuming Nitrous Oxide out of canisters. Are they having a laugh?

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

A big game hunter went on a Safari with his Wife and Mother-in-Law. One morning while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her Mother gone. She woke her husband and they both set off in search of the elderly woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight ... the mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a Lion. ”What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked. ”Nothing,’ her Husband replied, “The Lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"

Man walks into the chemist and picks up a packet of condoms. Takes them to the counter. Sales assistant asks "Do you want a bag with them?" He replies, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."

A Northern Territory farm hand radio’s back to the farm manager. "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. He's OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars. The big problem is that he’s wriggling, hollering and squealing so much, I can't get the fecka out." The Manager says, "OK Benji, there's a .303 Rifle behind the truck seat. Take it, shoot the pig twice in the head, and then you'll be able to remove him." Five minutes later, Benji the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Took the .303 Rifle from behind the truck seat and I shot the pig twice in the head and removed him from the truck’s roo-bars. So that's ok, but I still can't go on". "Now what's the <deleted> problem"..??? raged the Manager. "Well Boss, it's his big shiny, motor-bike. The flashing blue light is still going and it’s damn stuck under the right-front wheel arch". "Boss, Boss”. . . !? * “You still there boss?”

To all those I gave books to for Christmas: They're due back at the Library soon. Just a reminder.