Jump to content

ballpoint

Advanced Member
  • Posts

    7,148
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by ballpoint

  1. This site shows charging stations globally: PlugShare - EV Charging Station Map - Find a place to charge your car! Zooming in and clicking on one, it tells you what wattage and plug types are available:
  2. Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife. The judge asks "why do you keep beating her?" Paddy replies "I think it's my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".
  3. Walking around Big C earlier some idiot threw a lump of vintage cheddar at me. I thought, 'that's mature'.
  4. Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it hard a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher. Now she's ******* pregnant!
  5. After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia, today she finally snapped.
  6. Levels of sheep-worrying in the UK are at an all-time high. They really shouldn't read the Daily Mail.
  7. A punter was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on .. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'. The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you, my son?" "No, I'm Jewish." "That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites".
  8. I was robbed at the petrol station today. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 4’’.
  9. I once made a ceramic sculpture of Muhammed Ali, but it exploded in the kiln.... It was gaseous clay!
  10. In medical news, a man who is regularly beaten up by a gang of Mexicans has been prescribed with anti-anxiety pills. Doctors say they will deal with Hispanic attacks.
  11. The Pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool when little Johnny comes on stage and says "can you help me with my hearing?" "Certainly", says the Pope, waving his hands over Johnny's ears. "How's your hearing now?" "I don't know," says Johnny, "it's not till next Wednesday".
  12. Yes, it's okay for Russia to bomb Ukraine, Poland, the Baltic States, or anyone else that doesn't have nuclear weapons, because no one will be willing to escalate by bombing Russia. This madman must be stopped.
  13. A Russian Colonel, speaking on Russian state TV (tightly controlled by Putin), has officially voiced the threat to use tactical nuclear weapons if NATO peacekeepers enter Ukraine. The message is (paraphrased) "well, we really don't want to do this, and we know this will end up in universal nuclear war, but we really want to win this war, and, if NATO gets involved, then that's the only way we can". Someone needs to tell these madmen that no one will win a universal nuclear war. Crawling out of a bunker to raise your flag on a higher pile of rubble than the enemy doesn't count as winning. Gen Wesley Clarke, the ex Supreme Allied Commander has stated that, rather than a Ukrainian city, a staging post in Poland would be a likely target of the nukes. Given the way the world reacts to lil' Kim in North Korea's threats with his tiny arsenal, it will be interesting (read terrifying, frightening, horrifying and downright scary) to see how the West would respond to a tactical nuclear attack, which may be what these murderous war criminals are betting on. Neutralising Putin and his manic warmongering hangers on would appear to be the option with the least fallout - in more ways than one. Arming the Russian opposition groups may be a better way out than openly arming Ukraine.
  14. Interesting report covering a few items, such as the Ukraine army has more tanks now than before the invasion began, due to captured Russian ones, plus intercepted Russian radio communications, including one clearly stating orders to "remove the first property from the residential area, and to cover the residential area with artillery", and another priceless exchange where one guy frantically says "Looking for retreat routes, looking for retreat routes", and gets the reply "Buran, go home. It's better to be a deserter than fertiliser". Other messages highlighting their supply chain failures are also recorded. The fact that these are being sent by open radio is also rather telling.
  15. What's the difference between Anusol and Deep Heat? I'll tell you once I've finished crying.
  16. Fact of the day: Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water. Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.
  17. Thought for the day: If blues singers woke up in the afternoon, they wouldn't be so depressed.
×
×
  • Create New...
""