ballpoint

A Chinese guy came into the pub and stood next to me. "Do you know any martial arts, like karate or kung <deleted>?" I asked him. "Why you asking me that? Because I'm Chinese? You think all Chinese do kung <deleted>? he angrily replied. "No", I said "because you're drinking my fxxxxxx beer".

The other day a delivery driver asked me the time. I replied "Between 10 and 2!"

I was having a drink and a chat with a bloke over a pint in my local last night. I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich. Basically when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell. He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time. He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit. He then used the money to buy another and so on. He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again. He eventually moved onto Defenders in the 90's and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years. Even during the real bad times he plugged away. He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal. Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

An ice cream truck has crashed on the motorway. The police have put cones out.

On a recent visit to Brighton, on arrival l asked a lady for directions to my hotel, she said "it's only a stones throw away". I said "how will l recognise it"? She said "it's the one with all the broken windows".

I often wonder whether the inventor of the umbrella wanted to call it a brella, but hesitated when asked what its name was?

Top tip of the day: Stick raffle tickets to everything you own. Then when people pop round they'll think you're really lucky.

Why does Roi Et need so many 7/11's? I'd have thought 101 would be more appropriate.

They've already started work on it: