ballpoint

Top tip for those about to take a driving test. When the examiner asks "What sign would you expect to see down a narrow country lane?" "Fresh farm eggs for sale’ isn’t the answer.

A mate of mine had a nasty accident when he came off his bike and skidded along on his backside for about fifty metres. I was wondering if it is possible to donate the skin from your buttocks to be grafted onto someone else? Just ar5e skin for a friend...

Fuel has become so expensive that taxi drivers have actually started taking the shortest route.

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb? The correct term is 'replace', actually.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 38% of people don't

I've just been reading a poignant and very sad story about the decline of independent bookshops which used to be on every high street in the country. Great read, and I got it for only £3.99 on Amazon.

"Don't forget, on the 34th of March, clocks go sideways" Diane Abbot

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F***" or "F***ing" 506 times. That actually beats my record, set in 2013, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together...

Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack. They offered him a bypass, but he wasn't having any of it.

TODAY'S TRIVIA FACT Although Jesus was known as a carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.

Australian safety sign

If you must buy liquid nitrogen, you could try a farm veterinarian store that deals in frozen bull semen. These are located in most large rural towns, and often identified by giant posters of pedigree bulls hanging outside. The son of a friend of mine works in such a place and can readily fill up a thermos flask with liquid nitrogen. I'd reiterate the posts above warning against self wart freezing though, especially around the head and face. Plus the very real danger of asphyxiation from nitrogen inhalation if inadequately ventilated. Cue the jokes about splashing bull semen on your warts in 3... 2... 1....