ballpoint

DAD! DAD! there's a man at the door with a bill. Don't be daft son. It must be a duck with a hat on.

I never thought I would get over my Phil Collins obsession... But take a look at me now.

I heard that Burt Bacharach died just as he was to release a charity song for those in Turkey and Syria. Rooftops Keep Falling On My Head

There's an old army veteran living in the public toilets at my local park. Apparently, he used to be a colonel, but now he's just a loo tenant.

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every other week.

My Turkish barber had a collection for the earthquake victims. **** knows what they're going to do with 20 pounds of hair clippings.

I've started a new website which rates happy ending massages on their firmness. For more details, head over to GripAdvisor.

I jumped into a bucket of creosote earlier today. No particular reason, just thought I'd treat myself.

I’ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep. In my defence, she was awake when I started.

A widowed woman was sunbathing on a quiet beach when a man of similar age placed his towel nearby, lay down and began reading a book. Being lonely, she attempted to strike up a conversation. "How are you today?" "Fine, Thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book again. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely", she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, quite nearby", he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How on earth, did you know that was what I wanted?” “Well, Madam”, the man replied. "How did you know my name, is Katz?"

This morning for breakfast, I made a Belgian waffle. For lunch, I’m planning to make a Dutch person uncomfortable.

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball? She gagged.

"No, your other right hand".