ballpoint

Superlatives are the best thing in the world.

You need to know lots to be an auctioneer.

Molestation (noun) - Facility used by moles wishing to travel by public transport.

My wife asked for clothes for Christmas. She said, "Don't forget, size 12" She hasn't said anything, but from the look on her face, I don't think she likes her shoes

Anyone else feeling optimistic about 2022? I am. I was at the gym this morning and got chatting to an attractive <deleted>. I asked her if she had any New Years resolutions. She said “**** you” 2022s going to be alright!

A mate of mine was a big fan of the Doppler Effect. But he soon changed his tune when he ran past me.

For how long do you need to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss?

On reflection, your wife is bananas.

To be fair, he was only driven to burglary after he lost his job as a teacher because he couldn't control his pupils.

If a giant crab stops you in the street, gets a hip flask out and says, "Do you fancy a nip?" ... Don't fall for it. It's a scam.

Back in the day, I was drummer for The Hinges. We supported The Doors.

I used to get so excited about French lessons. Sometimes a little 'oui' would come out.

A woman is walking home with her 3 daughters. The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose.” The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "HHGHGNGHGHNG?!?!?! DDDNBHGHBHNGHHH!!!". "Shhh, quiet now, Breeze-block."