ballpoint

Just been sacked by the Christmas soup kitchen. All because, as I was serving spuds onto homeless people's plates, I was wishing them "Merry Christmas." My own fault really, cos earlier on ,management had briefed us to say, "Happy Holidays." I need to stop committing these hate crimes.

A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this years National Palindrome Awards.

Just finished a book about our ability to smell. It's a sensation.

A group of squid are called a shoal. Why aren't they called a squad?

Three little ducks go into a Bar...... "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great.. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles.

My Lesbian neighbours have got me a Seiko timepiece for Christmas. Obviously misunderstood, I said I wanna watch.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

I can't believe how stupid that Post Office clerk was. He said that my parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it. Like that's going to make it lighter.

My mate offered to give me a lift this morning. I said its no use to me, I live in a bungalow.

I saw one for 65 Baht in a Mr DIY yesterday.

Just a reminder to anyone who got a book from me for Xmas, they are due back at the library on 13th January.

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas. It's rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things and took up adult things, Like beer, which promptly made me behave like a child again.

What goes "Oh, Oh, Oh"? Santa walking backwards!

We call my grandad Spider-Man. It's not because he has special powers, it's because he can't get out the bath.

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent. "I got you a job. It's a one-liner." "That's fine" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything! What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!," says the agent. "I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday," says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" "Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater, continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by security. "Who the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" says the actor. "You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says security. "You're late! Get up to wardrobe right now!" The actor runs to Wardrobe. "Who the heck are you?" asks wardrobe. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says. "You're Late! Hurry up and put this on!" says the dresser. "You'd better get to makeup fast!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your line!" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go up!" So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, "What the **** was THAT?!"

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

My boss just told me there is no "I" in "Team". I responded that there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

I heard a rumour that I was getting an automatic watch for Christmas. But it was just a wind up.

The past week has reminded me that I hate Christmas shopping for the wife. I wasted two whole hours in a queue to discover the 20 Baht shop don’t do gift vouchers..

There are 361 days until Christmas, and people already have their Christmas lights up...

Chris Rea and Mark Knopfler are collaborating on a Christmas charity single this year. They are calling themselves Dire Rea.

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot. I can't do them, but my headphone cable sure can.

Bob Geldof's looking pretty grumpy these days. Does he know it's Christmas?

I'm considering writing a mystery novel. Or am I?