ballpoint

I'm getting a 4k TV next week. My New Year's resolution will be 3840 x 2160

Many pub names have significant meanings. The Royal oak signifies the tree future king Charles the 2nd hid in to escape Cromwell, the Red Lion signifies all public buildings under James 1 being decorated with his crest, and The Duke of York warning all those girls under 18 to give it a miss.

Paddy and Murphy were having a catch up in the village square - "So Morph, how've yer been? Done anything interesting since last time?" "No too bad Paddy. Took Mary to dat funfair in town last week, she was nagging me about dat Tunnel Of Love. To be honest, it was a bit of a disappointment, it was dark and uncomfortable and we came out soaked through. Mary was in tears so there wasn't much love on offer I can tell ye!" "Bijeesus Murph, dat's terrible, was the boat leaking?" “What Boat?”

Hollywood has announced that production is due to start on the remake of the Dustin Hoffman film Marathon Man. Of course, it will now be called Snickers Man...

TOP TIP OF THE DAY If you ever date a dominatrix... Never ever suggest it’s time to hit the sack.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Statistically, 50% of Canada is the letter "A".

My mate offered me £100 to do a charity parachute jump. I'm not falling for that!

Anyone want to buy a small herd of Friesian Cows? Turns out she wanted a 2022 Diary!

I enjoy pi so much I could eat it 22/7.

While everyone's celebrating his birthday today, spare a thought for his less well known sister...

An inspirational message for the season:

Maybe if you had one, you'd find your pager.

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"... The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!" Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?" Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We've decided to make your store our Bridal Gift Shop Registry”