ballpoint

Does anyone know where I can get a decaffeinated coffee table?

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi, Wanda! 2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. Sylvia: So, what happened? Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Bristol university has conducted a scientific study into why Zebras have black and white stripes. Turns out they support Juventus.

Just a reminder for everyone, - you urinate on a jellyfish sting NOT a jelly stain. Again, my sincere apologies to the woman in McDonalds yesterday afternoon.

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.... "I would like it infrequently" she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered ... 'Is that one word or two?

If all the dinosaurs had a wide vocabulary, maybe they would have survived like the Thesaurus.

I did karaoke at the Vatican. London, Paris, New York, Munich, everybody talk about, mm.. Pope music.

I'm extremely passionate about preserving endangered animals. You should taste my panda jam and rhino chutney.

After several hours of amateur surgery, I remembered it's not 9 Livers that cats are supposed to have.

For Sale One pair prescription bifocal spectacles Great condition, only worn a handful of times. First to see will buy.

Irishman drove into a car boot sale wrong way round. Sold the engine.

In the ad break of a TV show last night a white, heterosexual couple were trying to sell me something. Then I remembered I was watching an 80's show on VHS.

I'm not saying staff at my local Tops are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!

Hairdressers are not as good as they used to be. When I was a kid, barbers were so confident they had given you a good haircut, they sold condoms.

I'd have thought that Bicycle repairman could have dealt with the snake himself.