ballpoint

The HMRC decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the HMRC office for an interview. The HMRC inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor. The inspector said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the HMRC finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The inspector thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.” The inspector thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The inspector’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.” The inspector can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the inspector’s desk. The inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the inspector asks. “Not really,” says the solicitor. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned to an interview for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Funny how, to these people, the second amendment is an iron clad, never to be revoked, fundamental part of the constitution, and how dare you question it! Yet the separation of church and state enshrined in the first amendment, and also the Bill of Rights, is some fuzzy guideline to be trodden underfoot when it suits their own religious beliefs. (Funny too this should be about the 10 commandments, when you look at who starred in the movie of the same name, and his role later in life.)

Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet. I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using

Last night I got a flat tyre. I eased my vehicle over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out, and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a police car pulls up behind me. The officer gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tyre", I said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......... "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

I said to the doctor, "I'm worried as whenever I go to visit my mother she gets my name wrong." He looked up at me sympathetically and asked, "Is it Alzheimer's?" I looked back at him in disgust and replied, "No, It's Ron".

A Psychic buying clothes Employee: How about this one? Psychic: That shirt is too small. Employee: You didn't even try it on. Psychic: I'm a medium.

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions? Our helpline is open 24/7.

I was driving past my 97 year old Gran's house today and saw 16 pints of milk on her doorstep. I thought, "WOW! She must be thirsty today."

I took a really old Golden Retriever on the Antiques Roadshow. It didn't fetch much.

My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went yesterday and I feel ten years older already.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches, It doesn’t though, it just sh*ts on the floor.

The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

My neighbour said I'm a bit of a looker Well, Voyeur was the term she actually used.