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ballpoint

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Everything posted by ballpoint

  1. ballpoint
    My wife gave me an envelope marked ’Not to be opened until 2024’ Inside was a list of reasons why I can’t be trusted to carry out simple instructions.
  2. ballpoint
    I just bought my son a plastic doll with a cord on its back, and when you pull it, it says "30, 30, 35, 35, 35, 40......". "No dad" he cried when he saw the box, I said Action man, not Auction Man".
  3. ballpoint
    Warning. If you buy a watch that says you can swim with it on, it really means you can wear it if you can already swim. Now I know.
  4. ballpoint
    Came home to find my Mrs missing and a note saying 'We have your wife, if you want to see her again we want £10,000...do not contact the police, we are very determined, await a phone call'. They weren't joking about being determined.... I've had 28 missed calls from them now...
  5. ballpoint
    I just saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit. I thought "that's a little racist".
  6. ballpoint
    One by one, all of my best mates have started to become interested in men as well as women. I'm just sitting here, watching the world go bi.
  7. ballpoint
    I've been ironing all my old rock band Tee shirts. Just got a couple of kinks left.
  8. ballpoint
    I just found out that there's a library right around the corner from my house... They kept that quiet!
  9. ballpoint
    Scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in a lab. They say the results will speak for themselves
  10. ballpoint
    My local chiropractor is selling his collection of trade magazines. He says he's got loads of back issues.
  11. ballpoint
    "I can't solve this crossword clue. It says 'Postman with heavy sack'" "How many letters?" "Bliddy hundreds"
  12. ballpoint
    Just asked the woman in the book store if Prince Harry’s book is available to download. She said ‘do you want the PDF file?’ I said no, that’s his uncle.
  13. ballpoint
    I was laying in bed with my wife and she said,"If you could know how and when you were gonna die would you wanna know?"I said, "No".She said, "OK forget it then!"
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