ballpoint

I got a job in the candle factory - bit monotonous but good money. We had to take a bit of string, put it in the mould and then pour in molten wax. My mate Gary worked there too. Sometimes he would leap out of his chair onto my bench and sit on my string. He really got on my wick.

Give a Russian soldier some firewood and he will be warm for a day, fire a missile at his tank and he will be warm for the rest of his life!

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream... I can't wait to rub it in.

Paddy says to Mick "Have you heard the news? Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths". "Unbelievable" Says Mick, "I can't believe they all had the same name"

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Pretend to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a bag.

People sometimes accuse me of sexism, but one thing is absolutely certain I'll never hate a woman as much as a fat bird hates a good looking one.

Me and my kids watched on as some of the monkeys were masturbating, others were groping each other, and there was lots of fighting and commotion. My daughter said "daddy, I thought you were taking us to the zoo" I said "yea I know, but I needed a pint, and Wetherspoons is the next best thing"

Russian joke: Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out. Next day and day after, same. Eventually, seller snaps: ‘Why you do that?’ ‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’ ‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’ ‘The one I’m looking for will be

Apparently, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I meant to know when it's raining in Sweden?

I've bought a book about Feng Shui, but I can't decide where to put it.

I went to Cash Converters today trying to raise much needed cash as I'm skint. They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun....

My wife went missing for three days, so when I came home and found her in the kitchen I asked where the hell she had been. She said 4 burly muscular men had kidnapped me and forced themselves on her for five days. I said "but you were only gone for 3 days". "Yes", she said. "I've just popped home for something to eat".

I hate when people try to act all intellectual by talking about Mozart. I'll bet they've never even seen a single one of his paintings.

My mate from Liverpool phoned me and said his wife was making him sleep on the sofa tonight... I feel sorry for the guy. It must be cold in the front garden.

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man this morning. He was wearing a cat flap.

Comrades here is our fixture list :- Russia v China China v Russia Russia v China China v Russia Russia v China China v Russia Russia v China China v Russia Russia v China China v Russia