ballpoint

Why are the Irish so rich? Because their capital's always Dublin.

My inflatable house got a puncture today. Now I'm living in a flat.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the truck' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into the trailer and I was drivin' down the road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fek would you say?'

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mum forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

Waiter: Comfortable? Me: No..... Come for food.

He seems to have wised up...

Maybe he could buy Huawei.

My wife's cooking is so bad. We pray after we eat.

My son asked me if he could come over for a meal tonight. I asked him if he liked second day soup. He said he loved it , so I told him to **** off and come round tomorrow then.

This fella in the pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night. This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper. Still, got to take the rough with the smooth I suppose.

And it wasn't her punches that she was pulling.

You're just jealous that my keeper and I get to screw in a big bulb every night, while yours can't handle your balls outside her box, and even then she wears gloves to do it. But it's not all bad. Dribbling before you shoot can now be cured with the right therapy.

Try the OP:

I just mashed up some Kellogg’s Frosties into a paste & used it between my bathroom tiles. They’re Grrrrrrout!

The inventor of the knock knock joke has just been officially recognised. He was awarded the Nobel prize.

I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar. Every time I open a door a granny dies of hypothermia.