ballpoint

And people complain about the cost of a monarchy.

Three elderly ladies swim in the indoor pool. After two hours, the first one gets out and the lifeguard praises her: "Great!" She says: "Yes, I'm 70 years old and I was Irish champion in long-distance swimming". After three hours the second comes out and proudly says to the lifeguard: "I'm 80 years old and was European champion in long-distance swimming!". After 4 hours, the third one gets out and says: "I'm 90 years old..." - "Yes, I know" says the lifeguard "and you were world champion in long-distance swimming!". She replies: "No, I was a prostitute in Venice and made house calls."

Who asked you to butt in?

Careful, they'll gag and put a restraining order on you, before beating you down and spreading your assets so your end receives more than you bargained for.

I have some contacts who could help you. One's an optometrist. He thinks the glasses are half full.

Surely you can't be serious?

Redneck jump leads