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Sad news. The inventor of speed boats has died. The funeral is tomorrow, followed by the wake.

This guy agrees with you. A very interesting interview.

Ireland is putting a Bounty on Putin's head. And if that doesn't work, they will put a Mars bar and a Twix as well.

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this... Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?" Me: "Yeah." Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds." Me: "Right, I've done that" Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!" Me: "I can see that, yeah." Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!" Me: Okay, I see them." Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear." Me: "Yes! I can see her!" Her: Right..! Those are the Sandals I want for my birthday.

Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

Breaking News Today in Las Vegas a man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists. The police have 3756 photos of him.

For every bloke who fails at life there is usually a woman somewhere with a free house.

Went to the doctor today and told him I was tired all the time and could he give me something. He gave me a 20% off voucher for a new mattress.

The Nepalese government are planning to charge people up to £10,000 to scale Everest. I think it's a bit steep.

My son was baptised Times New Roman. I think the priest used the wrong font.

Gymnasium in ancient Greek means "naked exercise" Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

You know you're old when...

A lovely woman from the Countryside died. She found herself outside a beautiful garden with splashing fountains and bright flowers; but she was alone and the gate was locked. When St. Peter finally came by, the woman said to him, "This is surely a wonderful place It must be heaven. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," said the saint. "What word might that be?" "Love." said he. Well , she spelled it all right and was admitted through the Gates of Heaven. About a year later, St. Peter asked this woman if she would mind guarding the Gates a short while for him. While she was waiting, her husband arrived. "How've you been?" she asked. "Oh, not bad," he said. "I married the pretty nurse who took care of you, and then I won the lottery. I sold our little cottage and bought a lovely mansion. My wife and I traveled 'round the world. Today I was skiing and broke my neck and...and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word." "What word?" "Czechoslovakia"

Doing some family research, my Great Great Grandfather was on the Titanic. I suppose he still is.