ballpoint

Grandad went into a nursing home so I rang them up to see how he was getting on. The nurse said "He's like a fish out of water." "So he's finding it hard to adjust?" "No" said the nurse, "He's dead."

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstasy have just been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock. They had no idea they had a job centre.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ssshhardonay, a boddle of Baileys, a biddle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha 'mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits. Yu haf no idr ho fuggin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr <deleted> ...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. ballpoint: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you. Our complaints against your husband are listed below, and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Try being minimalist this weekend. It's the least you can do.

A sad sign of the times. No one was shocked when the defibrillator was stolen from the town centre.

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. ‘Oi sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and tongs.' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and tongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.

Is the national anthem country music?

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

For those of you who remember the last winter of discontent... What's the difference between petrol and paraffin? There's 2 Fs in paraffin but there's no F in petrol.

I waited two and a half hours at the petrol station today. Bloody annoying; all I wanted was a Mars Bar and a can of Coke.

I popped into the library and asked if they had any books on lubrication. The librarian said, "Try the non-friction section."

When one door closes, another one opens. Last time I ever buy a car from an optimist.

They say that babies can catch all sorts of things in the first 6 months. What a load of rubbish! I've thrown a cricket ball, a shoe and a house brick at him and every one of them has hit him in the face so far.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick-pocketed.. How could anyone stoop so low?

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on! The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you <deleted>!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!" I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.