lannarebirth Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 theres another way to look at it.you strike a deal to pay the money as long as it is payed back. if they dont agree to pay back the money you dont cough with the money. once they agree to pay you the money you are never again obliged to give them money until the debt is repayed. you could look apon it as a 30,000 baht insurance policy against your wifes family. fairly cheap insurance mate and you can make this situation work for you. Ooooh, the fireman from down under may be on to something here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elkangorito Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 This is a 'clear cut' case of people manipulating cultural 'rules' to avoid personal responsibility. If a person performs an action & is not prepared to accept the uncontrollable (& unpredictable) reaction from others as a result of this action, then this person is weak & totally without self respect to try to make another person absorb or share the responsibility for the initial action. Ignore them. Tell them it is not your business & you will have nothing to do with somebody elses problem. If the emotional blackmail ploy is then used against you, ignore that too & continue to go on as usual. Do not be, in any way, antagonistic or affected.These people may soon begin to realise that it takes a lot of energy to be personally irresponsible & otherwise emotive. And if your missus gets nasty & threatens to leave, then what does this tell you about the 'cost' of 'love'? Maybe they think that they are choiceless, which is a common belief in a world where people are personally irresponsible by mindlessly 'following the rules'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qualtrough Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I would file this case under the Buffalo, Sick file. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terry57 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 theres another way to look at it.you strike a deal to pay the money as long as it is payed back. if they dont agree to pay back the money you dont cough with the money. once they agree to pay you the money you are never again obliged to give them money until the debt is repayed. you could look apon it as a 30,000 baht insurance policy against your wifes family. fairly cheap insurance mate and you can make this situation work for you. Ooooh, the fireman from down under may be on to something here. yes mate, i recon ive come up with the perfect solution as theres always 2 ways to skin a cat. all the other punters crying about not paying and all that crap, well there looking though farang eyes trying to solve a thai problem. dont work mate as this is the los and you must approach thai problems with thai eyes. play there game so to speak. frigging easy i say and just look outside the box a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acquiesce Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Sounds to me the young girl had a lucky escape, she was only 16 and sounds like it was not her choice to get married anyway. Good on her i say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IvanLaw Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 (edited) theres another way to look at it.you strike a deal to pay the money as long as it is payed back. if they dont agree to pay back the money you dont cough with the money. once they agree to pay you the money you are never again obliged to give them money until the debt is repayed. you could look apon it as a 30,000 baht insurance policy against your wifes family. fairly cheap insurance mate and you can make this situation work for you. Ooooh, the fireman from down under may be on to something here. yes mate, i recon ive come up with the perfect solution as theres always 2 ways to skin a cat. all the other punters crying about not paying and all that crap, well there looking though farang eyes trying to solve a thai problem. dont work mate as this is the los and you must approach thai problems with thai eyes. play there game so to speak. frigging easy i say and just look outside the box a bit. A very sensible Answer / Solution to the problem From the Aus Fireman Congratulations Terry 57 Edited January 17, 2007 by IvanLaw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helicoptor Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Oops!My wife has just ask to borrow the compensation money from me!!! What's the politeness answer that I can give? Simon When you shave and you look in the mirror - can you read GUM on your forehead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greenside Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The compension offer may make sense in Thai cultural terms (although if, as someone suggested, this is simply the dowry that would have been paid upon marriage one wonders where that money would have come from) but you're in a marriage with someone who, difficult as I know it is, must be expected to show some respect for your ethical and cutural beliefs as well as her family's. And, yes I know this is Thailand. If your wife has an income I guess that as she's asking to borrow the money in order to bail her family out you could make it clear that she's responsible for paying you back: ie it's her money she's using. I don't pretend that's an easy thing to do however! It does strike me that as there are more and more intermarriages between Europeans and Asians that there will naturally be some coming together of views over stuff like this. We're really in at the beginning here and trying to find a way that's personally workable in each instance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acquiesce Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 When you shave and you look in the mirror - can you read GUM on your forehead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terry57 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 theres another way to look at it.you strike a deal to pay the money as long as it is payed back. if they dont agree to pay back the money you dont cough with the money. once they agree to pay you the money you are never again obliged to give them money until the debt is repayed. you could look apon it as a 30,000 baht insurance policy against your wifes family. fairly cheap insurance mate and you can make this situation work for you. Ooooh, the fireman from down under may be on to something here. yes mate, i recon ive come up with the perfect solution as theres always 2 ways to skin a cat. all the other punters crying about not paying and all that crap, well there looking though farang eyes trying to solve a thai problem. dont work mate as this is the los and you must approach thai problems with thai eyes. play there game so to speak. frigging easy i say and just look outside the box a bit. A very sensible Answer / Solution to the problem From the Aus Fireman Congratulations Terry 57 thanks mate, as us firefighters have to look outside the box all the time, thats if we dont wont to get killed that is. cheers it like, expect the unexpected, and thats exactly how the los works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IvanLaw Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 yes mate, i recon ive come up with the perfect solution as theres always 2 ways to skin a cat. all the other punters crying about not paying and all that crap, well there looking though farang eyes trying to solve a thai problem. dont work mate as this is the los and you must approach thai problems with thai eyes. play there game so to speak. frigging easy i say and just look outside the box a bit. A very sensible Answer / Solution to the problem From the Aus Fireman Congratulations Terry 57 thanks mate, as us firefighters have to look outside the box all the time, thats if we dont wont to get killed that is. cheers it like, expect the unexpected, and thats exactly how the los works. Terry 57 Careful with the “Box” if playing with leather on willow Regards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon43 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 When you shave and you look in the mirror - can you read GUM on your forehead? [\quote] Shave? I havn't shaved since my wife gave my shaving mirror to her brother . . . Simon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
george Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The only way out of paying the dowry is if the lady herself wants to abort the marriage. You are right Tripxcore, it works like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lannarebirth Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 The only way out of paying the dowry is if the lady herself wants to abort the marriage. You are right Tripxcore, it works like this. Yes, but the guy who wondered where that dowry money was coming from prior to this incident raised a good point too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryB Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Oops!My wife has just ask to borrow the compensation money from me!!! What's the politeness answer that I can give? Simon your in between a rock and a hard place mate, as she's your wife and things like this can cause lots of problems especially when she knows you can afford it. say no and see what happenns. glad its you and not me. I bet this shall be the new Buffalo Story. I love face and Thais. What a good way to get money from us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbojangles Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Simon, As you say, your wife has just asked you for the money but what is her actual view on this. Does she agree with it, or is she just looking at it as the easiest way out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon43 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 MrBoJangles - my wife says about the compensation that ' this is the way it is done in Thailand'. So she seems to agree that compensation has to be paid. She knows that I'm dead against her view, but it's all her family (and the family of the girl) versus me! Not much chance of winning the moral arguement have I? (In fact, there is no moral arguement as far as they are all concerned. The fact that this foreign guest in their village was hugely inconvenienced seems to have been quietly forgotten) Simon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lannarebirth Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 MrBoJangles - my wife says about the compensation that ' this is the way it is done in Thailand'. So she seems to agree that compensation has to be paid.She knows that I'm dead against her view, but it's all her family (and the family of the girl) versus me! Not much chance of winning the moral arguement have I? (In fact, there is no moral arguement as far as they are all concerned. The fact that this foreign guest in their village was hugely inconvenienced seems to have been quietly forgotten) Simon Simon, So, what do you think of Terry's idea, and who was going to pay the girl's dowry before they decided to have your wife get it out if you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 MrBoJangles - my wife says about the compensation that ' this is the way it is done in Thailand'. So she seems to agree that compensation has to be paid.She knows that I'm dead against her view, but it's all her family (and the family of the girl) versus me! Not much chance of winning the moral arguement have I? (In fact, there is no moral arguement as far as they are all concerned. The fact that this foreign guest in their village was hugely inconvenienced seems to have been quietly forgotten) Simon You don't have to win any argument though do you. It's their business, let them deal with it, and pay for it all by themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Insight Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I’ve also heard of this “compensation” clause before, albeit in entirely less suspect circumstances. Try asking if you can pay the compensation requested in travellers cheques. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GuestHouse Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Simon, It seems to me that the worst has indeed happened, your money has already been spent for you. Now you've got two messes on your hand: 1. Digging into your pocket to cover other people's promises 2. Preventing any future repetition. My response would be a good old bit of Farang shouting the house down. Bugger all that 'Do it the Thai way'. Marriage is a two way street, make sure your side of the street gets looked after too. I'd then have the Mrs hanging on the the point of believing she, and who ever it is that promised the money is going to have to do some face loosing explaining. Then and only then would I pay, and I'd do so with even more house shaking shouts. Be warned, if you simply pay up you are going to be hit on again and again and agaiin. Stop the rot before it takes hold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimsKnight Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 (edited) Last week, my wife's sister took an American man to visit her family in Isaan.During that visit, someone stole $1,000 of travellers cheques from this guy.... After investigation, the cheques were found in the possession of a 16 year old family friend who had been cleaning the room. This girl was due to 'marry' the 18 year old son of my wife's sister. She thought the cheques were 'real' money. After family discussions, it was agreed that the marriage could not go ahead. My wife's family has agreed to pay this 'thief' 20,000 baht and 1 baht of gold in compensation for the cancelled wedding. Now . . . how can compensating this thief ever be right?????? What would you have done? (I told my wife in no uncertain terms that this girl should be paying my wife's family compensation for the shame brought upon them by this theft taking place in her mother's house...) What do you think?? Simon Possibly the 18 year old son had sex before the marriage with the girl and because there will now be no marriage the girl will be worth less when it comes to her marrying another thai man. The money could also be less to do with the theft and more to do with the boys family calling off the marriage and the fall-out of that. I however believe the bitch shouldn't get a single satang and deserves nothing since she broke the trust and respect of the family. I can't fathom the foolish people on this forum who state she's only 16 years old <deleted>! When I was that age and many of the other forum posters will of too known ###### well knew stealing was a number one bad thing to do to others, especially if they were guests in someones house! But then in (NE?) Thailand this sort of thing comes at the bottom of the list when a wealthy man comes along, but then thats what the thai style culture and saving face for you etc etc. If you do give in to this schemery then offer to pay half the amount stated and make it very clear the family gets not a single coin ever again until they pay you back. As GH says they will see you as an easy touch if you play the it like 'I'm the easy ATM man, take all my money.' Edited January 17, 2007 by JimsKnight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pokoal2000 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 You are a bloody hard lot. The girl is only sixteen, maybe really nice girl, saw a lot of money in American house, and maybe though she will help her parents or grandparents. Stupid mistake, I bet when you were sixteen you made few. Would be much better to sit the girl down, had a long talk to find out why she did it. After all nobody really lost anything, cheques are back with the owner. Like this, the family ruined this girl life and future, but they thing they done the right thing. The money paid to her is insignificant.All this anger about nothing much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terry57 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 yes, thats a fair comment mate, and i made a few mistakes when i was 16 years old as well . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon43 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Yep, would be nice if the girl actually said sorry, but she hasn't... I suggested to the family that I phone up the American guy and for the girl to tell him in English, Thai, Lao or whatever that she was sorry. My wife couldn't understand why the girl should apologize to the guy. Simon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OlRedEyes Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 yes, thats a fair comment mate, and i made a few mistakes when i was 16 years old as well . But did you get paid for them? I agree it should not be a death sentence. But paying is a bit out in some other dimension.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lingling Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Yep, would be nice if the girl actually said sorry, but she hasn't... I suggested to the family that I phone up the American guy and for the girl to tell him in English, Thai, Lao or whatever that she was sorry. My wife couldn't understand why the girl should apologize to the guy. Ask her what the situation would have been if the girl had stolen something with a similar value from your wife's grandmother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bkkmadness Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 My wife couldn't understand why the girl should apologize to the guy. Seriously? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lingling Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 My wife couldn't understand why the girl should apologize to the guy. Maybe you should remind your wife that he can always file a police report. And maybe he should. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon43 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 The issue (as far as my wife's family is concerned), is the loss of face caused to the girl's family because the marriage is cancelled. The cause of this scenario (stealing from a foreign guest) seems to have fallen by the wayside.... Simon Actually, it's quite an interesting example of the huge difference between Western and Asian cultures. Here am I angered by the fact that a theft took place, and a theft from a guest in their home. They are more concerned with not losing face because the marriage is cancelled. How long would a marraige between a 16 year old and 18 year old last anyway? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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