Relationships and age differences, a personal case study

[simoh1490]

2 minutes ago, GoDucks said:

LOL  Nope.  The only reason I am in this relationship is because, after six months, I realized she was the sweetest, kindest person I had ever had a relationship with.  Ever.  And, having survived 20 years of marriage with a bi polar ex, I thought I might deserve a break from the insanity.

And two years later I still wonder how I got so lucky--and I would feel that way if she were 30 instead of 20.

Some of the more negative posts undoubtedly come from posters who are envious of your success in the relationship and/or bitter about any successful relationship, ignore them and enjoy yourself, it's nobody's job to judge but yours.

[Justfine]

Just now, GoDucks said:

Mainly because I occasionally see posts about how some older guy met some younger girl and how its OBVIOUSLY just about money, and how he is an idiot, etc.

I just wanted to give my individual story which contradicts the norm.

 

You think this family doesn't want money? Think you are mistaken if story is real.

[GoDucks]

Just now, simoh1490 said:

Some of the more negative posts undoubtedly come from posters who are envious of your success in the relationship and/or bitter about any successful relationship, ignore them and enjoy yourself, it's nobody's job to judge but yours.

I know that and appreciate your comments.  Quite frankly I expected much, much worse.  They are not bothering me at all.

[GoDucks]

1 minute ago, Justfine said:

You think this family doesn't want money? Think you are mistaken if story is real.

My girl is a BKK girl, not from up country.  She has always said that if her family asked for a dowery she would prefer to just live together and not get married.  She NEVER wants anything from me and, quite frankly, I can afford most things she would possibly want.  But not only does she never ask, she refuses them.

As an example, I had to secretly buy her a new phone because her old phone literally looked like it had been run over by a truck.

"But it still works" she would always say.

[catman20]

1 minute ago, GoDucks said:

My girl is a BKK girl, not from up country.  She has always said that if her family asked for a dowery she would prefer to just live together and not get married.  She NEVER wants anything from me and, quite frankly, I can afford most things she would possibly want.  But not only does she never ask, she refuses them.

As an example, I had to secretly buy her a new phone because her old phone literally looked like it had been run over by a truck.

"But it still works" she would always say.

mate i wouldn't keep justifying yourself.

[Justfine]

I counted 10 people living under 1 roof. That means little money. Thai families with money own 3 or 4 houses.

 

She is their ticket out.

 

They don't want a phone as a gift they want a house.

 

Surprised you haven't worked it out yet.

 

 

[GoDucks]

1 minute ago, Justfine said:

I counted 10 people living under 1 roof. That means little money. Thai families with money own 3 or 4 houses.

 

She is their ticket out.

 

They don't want a phone as a gift they want a house.

 

Surprised you haven't worked it out yet.

 

 

LOL dude, if they asked she would not even tell me.  She wants to be independent and earn her own money and do her own thing.  

BTW I have been in Asia for 28 years.  I am not new to any of this.

[GoDucks]

3 minutes ago, catman20 said:

mate i wouldn't keep justifying yourself.

Don't worry.  Just answering the haters.  I know, its my bad habit.

[Justfine]

Just now, GoDucks said:

LOL dude, if they asked she would not even tell me.  She wants to be independent and earn her own money and do her own thing.  

BTW I have been in Asia for 28 years.  I am not new to any of this.

If you say so.

[GoDucks]

7 minutes ago, Justfine said:

I counted 10 people living under 1 roof. That means little money. Thai families with money own 3 or 4 houses.

 

She is their ticket out.

 

They don't want a phone as a gift they want a house.

 

Surprised you haven't worked it out yet.

 

 

Dad is a pretty normal Thai working guy.  Her aunts are both teachers at government schools.  Both have cars.  Sister works for AIA has a decent job.  Not sure about the others.  

They are probably normal Thai middle class.  Perhaps a bit below that, but not much.

 

Edited March 9, 2018 by GoDucks

[Justfine]

1 minute ago, GoDucks said:

Dad is a pretty normal Thai working guy.  Her aunts are both teachers at government schools.  Both have cars.  Sister works for AIA has a decent job.  Not sure about the others.  

They are probably normal Thai middle class.  Perhaps a bit below that, but not much.

 

Ok dude. 

[Gecko123]

13 hours ago, Stevemercer said:

Such a relationship is not abnormal or creepy.

 

Many Thai girls have a bit of a 'father fixation' having been raised during their teenage years in a household of females (because the father has run off or some other reason). Some of these Thai girls are mature for their age and can form a close relationship with an older guy. Sometimes this can lead to intimacy, love and marriage, particularly with a farang who is outside the normal Thai conventions.

 

Of course, your girlfriend might want to live overseas or have children at some stage. She is young and you can open up a world of opportunities for her. While nobody knows what the future holds, if she is a better person for knowing you (and vice versa), then the relationship is healthy.

 

I have been a keen observer of Thai parenting styles and how they differ from Western parenting models. I was motivated by an interest in psychology, being a parent to a Thai step-daughter, and also because I was teaching. When I started parenting my step-daughter, I tried to follow a "fully engaged" father model, showing an active interest in school activities, homework, sports and tried to engage her in conversation like a typical parenting expert in the West would encourage. What I slowly came to realize is that this involved parenting style wasn't especially valued. You almost never see Thai fathers (at least in the countryside) trying to be actively engaged in their children's lives. I have concluded that from a parenting standpoint Thai society is matriarcal with the father's primary job being bringing home the bacon. Thai kids see passive parenting by fathers as the norm, not as a void which needs to be filled.

 

On very few occasions have I encountered Thai girls (in addition to a few boys) who seem to crave having a father figure in their life. The daughter of a village friend who died prematurely seemed to be one such case. But in all my years of being around Thai elementary and high school students I cannot recall a single student who sought me out or longed for a father figure in their lives.

 

I found your theory about "father fixation" to be interesting, but I suspect that you are trying to superimpose Western pop psychology onto Thai cultural norms when they aren't necessarily applicable.

Edited March 9, 2018 by Gecko123

[Lucky mike]

Good luck to you ! You will always have the phophets of doom, to hell with them.  This is not a dress rehearsal take you happiness where you can !

[Justfine]

46 minutes ago, Gecko123 said:

 

I have been a keen observer of Thai parenting styles and how they differ from Western parenting models. I was motivated by an interest in psychology, being a parent to a Thai step-daughter, and also because I was teaching. When I started parenting my step-daughter, I tried to follow a "fully engaged" father model, showing an active interest in school activities, homework, sports and tried to engage her in conversation like a typical parenting expert in the West would encourage. What I slowly came to realize is that this involved parenting style wasn't especially valued. You almost never see Thai fathers (at least in the countryside) trying to be actively engaged in their children's lives. I have concluded that from a parenting standpoint Thai society is matriarcal with the father's primary job being bringing home the bacon. Thai kids see passive parenting by fathers as the norm, not as a void which needs to be filled.

 

On very few occasions have I encountered Thai girls (in addition to a few boys) who seem to crave having a father figure in their life. The daughter of a village friend who died prematurely seemed to be one such case. But in all my years of being around Thai elementary and high school students I cannot recall a single student who sought me out or longed for a father figure in their lives.

 

I found your theory about "father fixation" to be interesting, but I suspect that you are trying to superimpose Western pop psychology onto Thai cultural norms when they aren't necessarily applicable.

In the west young people who date 20+ years outside their age bracket don't have many friends their own age. Normally 20yo girls would have many friends and would not be socialising with 50yos. Same in Thailand. 20yo regular Thais are hanging out with other 20yos.

 

A 30yo dating a 60yo is less abnormal than a 20yo dating a 50yo. Young people should be young and hang out with friends. A 20yo with a 56yo partner is completely odd no matter how one spins it.

[Gecko123]

This thread is one of those threads where the OP is on a long lazy ego trip. The OP has an answer for everything. Everything is peachy creamy. She's a Rhoades scholar, hot body, never wants a red cent, the in-laws just love me, blah blah blah. It just doesn't ring true, and if you want to write off all the people who have pointed out the fairytale nature of the OP's account as just jealous, have at it. I'm certainly not jealous in the least. With a relationship between a 20 year old and a guy in his mid-50's, just contemplating the multiple life transition phases ahead of them where they will almost certainly be out of sync, makes me anxious not envious. And where's the social support group for this couple going to come from? Her 20-something college friends are going to want to hang out with grandpa?

 

Reading this thread, some of you guys sound like gullible old goats. You ever stop to think how easy it is to fake compatibility? All you gotta do is agree with everything the other person says. Do you like XYZ? Sure do! Wanna go eat? You bet! I'm starving. Wanna go see a movie? Up to you! What ever you want, honey. Keep quiet, don't offer strong opinions, let the guy read whatever they want into your quiet mysterious demeanor. And all you guys lapping up these comments like 'We're so compatible! We both like Green Day, the Transformer movies, Scoobie Doo, Justin Bieber and everything!'  Like money has nothing to do with it. Let me ask how come you didn't just find a teenage girl back home? Answer: you couldn't attract one if your life depended on it. Only here, where your comparative wealth makes you more attractive, is this possible.

 

I'm not necessarily against relationships where there's a big age gap. There's more than a 10+ year age gap between me and my wife. But when you start talking about very young people who are just starting out in life hooking up with guys who are close to 3 times older than them, you are going to have to do more than tell me you both like Green Day to convince me that there's genuine compatibility. And if the motivation, quite often driven primarily by financial considerations, is obviously short-sighted or ill-advised, isn't there any moral duty on the part of the more life experienced older partner to not exploit those economic or psychological vulnerabilities? I think there is.

 

Edited March 9, 2018 by Gecko123

[Rolanddrums]

Talk about over thinking things .! Heres simple check list you can use as  we all know nothings free ..1) How much ?  2) How often? 3 ) What do I get. ? 

Dont worry about tomorrow until tomorrow comes . Some 20 year olds are quite mature actually , can be your maid, lover and best friend all in one. AND a  mum to YOUR children to ..yes realy.

I am refering to THAI girls and living in THAILAND btw. 

Edited March 9, 2018 by Rolanddrums

[MaeJoMTB]

17 hours ago, Kimber said:

The problem is that the sisters have obviously discussed the scenario and are happy for it to happen;  the younger being willing to play the role of Mia Noi  until she meets a farang guy via my contacts in Australia.

Lanna tradition is for one guy to marry ALL the sisters.

Apparently they view living together all their lives more important than having to share a man.

[GoDucks]

4 hours ago, Justfine said:

In the west young people who date 20+ years outside their age bracket don't have many friends their own age. Normally 20yo girls would have many friends and would not be socialising with 50yos. Same in Thailand. 20yo regular Thais are hanging out with other 20yos.

 

A 30yo dating a 60yo is less abnormal than a 20yo dating a 50yo. Young people should be young and hang out with friends. A 20yo with a 56yo partner is completely odd no matter how one spins it.

the key phrase here is "IN THE WEST".  Last time I checked, we are not "in the west".  This girl has plenty of friends her age, most of whom I have met.  

They tell her "Most farang are bad, but you found a good one.  Do not mess it up."

her friends all date Thai guys (most of them have a Thai bf and a few more Thai kik)

[BobbyL]

That is a big age gap.

 

Not my sort of thing but well played. Her photo looks good too. 

 

I have always wondered how an older guy (50 - 60) keeps up sexually with younger women who like to go regularly? 

[AsiaCheese]

2 minutes ago, GoDucks said:

the key phrase here is "IN THE WEST".  Last time I checked, we are not "in the west".  This girl has plenty of friends her age, most of whom I have met.  

They tell her "Most farang are bad, but you found a good one.  Do not mess it up."

her friends all date Thai guys (most of them have a Thai bf and a few more Thai kik)

 

There's the crux. People have an unnerving tendency of applying a home-grown cookie cutter to other mentalities, countries and continents. "What's right here got to be right there too" - wake up, not always the case...!

[GoDucks]

5 hours ago, Gecko123 said:

This thread is one of those threads where the OP is on a long lazy ego trip. The OP has an answer for everything. Everything is peachy creamy. She's a Rhoades scholar, hot body, never wants a red cent, the in-laws just love me, blah blah blah. It just doesn't ring true, and if you want to write off all the people who have pointed out the fairytale nature of the OP's account as just jealous, have at it. I'm certainly not jealous in the least. With a relationship between a 20 year old and a guy in his mid-50's, just contemplating the multiple life transition phases ahead of them where they will almost certainly be out of sync, makes me anxious not envious. And where's the social support group for this couple going to come from? Her 20-something college friends are going to want to hang out with grandpa?

 

Reading this thread, some of you guys sound like gullible old goats. You ever stop to think how easy it is to fake compatibility? All you gotta do is agree with everything the other person says. Do you like XYZ? Sure do! Wanna go eat? You bet! I'm starving. Wanna go see a movie? Up to you! What ever you want, honey. Keep quiet, don't offer strong opinions, let the guy read whatever they want into your quiet mysterious demeanor. And all you guys lapping up these comments like 'We're so compatible! We both like Green Day, the Transformer movies, Scoobie Doo, Justin Bieber and everything!'  Like money has nothing to do with it. Let me ask how come you didn't just find a teenage girl back home? Answer: you couldn't attract one if your life depended on it. Only here, where your comparative wealth makes you more attractive, is this possible.

 

I'm not necessarily against relationships where there's a big age gap. There's more than a 10+ year age gap between me and my wife. But when you start talking about very young people who are just starting out in life hooking up with guys who are close to 3 times older than them, you are going to have to do more than tell me you both like Green Day to convince me that there's genuine compatibility. And if the motivation, quite often driven primarily by financial considerations, is obviously short-sighted or ill-advised, isn't there any moral duty on the part of the more life experienced older partner to not exploit those economic or psychological vulnerabilities? I think there is.

 

Sonny, this is Asia (where I have lived for 28 years).  No matter how old they are, there are huge differences in culture and background.

If this girl were 54, just like me, do you think she watched the same movies, followed the same sports, or likes the same music as I would, growing up in the good ol' U S of A?

Nope.  There will be huge cultural and background issues because... WE GREW UP IN DIFFERENT CULTURES.  Age is not even close to the biggest issue.  In fact, the fact that her formative years were spent at a time where she had constant access to Western TV/movies/music/youtube means she has a lot more in common with me than a girl twice her age.

LOL 

Do some people like the smell of skunk?  YEP (do not believe me?  Look it up).

Next, do some guys like obese chicks?  Yep. More than you think.

Does this particular Thai 20-year-old like this particular American 54-year-old?  Unless she is in the wrong field and should be an acadamy-award-winning actress, yep.

For whatever reason we are a good match and have been for the last TWO YEARS.  It might end tomorrow, but it has not ended yet.  If/when it does end, I can still say this has been the best relatonship with the least drama I have ever had.




 

Edited March 9, 2018 by GoDucks

[Justfine]

If I was you I'd be living it not talking about it. 

[AsiaCheese]

26 minutes ago, BobbyL said:

I have always wondered how an older guy (50 - 60) keeps up sexually with younger women who like to go regularly? 

 

There's the lame old quote "you're as young as the ladies you fondle", but then again, it might not be entirely wrong. I'm a few rounds around the sun older than the OP,  and the age difference in my (2.5 years & counting) very happy relationship is even greater. Without going into details, we don't have the slightest problem. Yes, there would be a problem if the bar was set at twice daily  - but it's not and we're both juuuuuust fine with what we have, like several times a week.

 

It's a great misconception that the big limp starts in the 60s - things actually start to taper off around 40ish (your mileage might vary), but there are wild differences between any 2 people. Why do you think Pfizer made such a killing with the little blue pills? My bet is that more is sold to the under-60s than the over-60s!

 

PS: not a Pfizer customer myself  ;-)

Edited March 9, 2018 by AsiaCheese
added PS

[NonthaburiBear]

On 3/8/2018 at 12:50 PM, GoDucks said:

She dated a few other guys and said... I am just her style, in personality, mostly.  But unlike my last "hiso" gf who constantly barraged me with complaints about my weight, this girl says she likes "fat guys" and tells me if I want to lose weight for health thats fine, but she likes how I look.

While she date the other guy , did they sleept together ?..

i'm having a relationship with  Thai woman too, and she's much younger 10 years  than me ( she 20ish)..and i told her , if she meet another man much better than i am, she's free as a bird. I mean i really mean it , as i can find another girl not a problem at all .

But if she's furked another man before our relationship ended..tats another story..

...sorry na, just  asking

 

[Denim]

On 07/03/2018 at 10:59 PM, StreetCowboy said:

Is it better to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take up arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them?

 

Indeed :

 

Once more unto the breasts dear friends once more,

And open up the fly with our English head.

 

Or in this case ,  American.

[MaeJoMTB]

1 hour ago, Justfine said:

If I was you I'd be living it not talking about it. 

Probably too tired to do anything but talk about it.

[AsiaCheese]

1 hour ago, Denim said:

Indeed :

 

Once more unto the breasts dear friends once more,

And open up the fly with our English head.

 

Or in this case ,  American.

 

In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man,
As modest stillness and humility

[ALFREDO]

22 hours ago, Kimber said:

She's well and truly passed the lengthy probation period, but here comes the glitch bit;  her younger sister (25 ) has expressed a desire to live with us in BKK.   

 

The problem is that the sisters have obviously discussed the scenario and are happy for it to happen;  the younger being willing to play the role of Mia Noi  until she meets a farang guy via my contacts in Australia.

 

-JACKPOT-  

 

Why not, Muslims can do it since 1000 years?  

[ALFREDO]

22 hours ago, Gecko123 said:

Hate to break up this craddle-robbers love fest,  but would somebody hand me an air sickness bag before I throw up.  A 12th grade student attracted to a 56 year old guy????   There's only one word for that: abnormal. Is this girl mentally or developmentally handicapped in some way? Has she ever been sexually abused? The OP's obviously not going to tell us, but I highly doubt we're getting the full picture. I've taught high school in Thailand for many years. Most students at that age have crushes on Korean boy band members and Thai heart throbs, not middle age foreign men. And if they go after a foreign man it's only because they're shallowly mezmerized by the lifestyle being offered.

 

Moral indignation consists in most cases out off 2% morality. 48% inhibitions and 50% envy.   

[Kimber]

4 hours ago, MaeJoMTB said:

Lanna tradition is for one guy to marry ALL the sisters.

Apparently they view living together all their lives more important than having to share a man.

 

My TG's uncle (Thai businessman) has 4 wives all with kids; from what I'm told it's more common than most farangs  will ever know.