Farangity Loss - Test Yourself

[x-pat]

Farangity loss is a creeping phenomenon which can affect anyone with sufficiently long exposure to Thai culture. It often happens without the victim noticing it. Episodes of acute farangity loss are often connected with prolonged stays in the land of smile. The symptoms are difficult to diagnose and are often overlooked by those affected. Fortunately, Dr. Expatricus has developed a dependable test that helps you to detect dwindling farangity. Take the test today and find out whether you are affected.

(1a) Question for men - The woman of your dreams is:

70 kg, 180 cm, bosomy, blonde (0 points)

60 kg, 170 cm, slender, brunette (10 points)

50 kg, 160 cm, petite, dark-haired (20 points)

(1b) Question for women – Your ideal husband is:

Charming, handsome, faithful (0 points)

10 years younger, dedicated to drinking and gambling (10 points)

20 years older Caucasian who supports you financially (20 points)

(2) You answer your phone with the following words:

My first and last name (0 points)

“Hello” (10 points)

“Khap” (20 points)

(3) You put toilet paper:

In the bathroom (0 points)

On the dining table and in the bathroom (10 points)

Only on the dining table (20 points)

(4) How much gold do you wear?

None (0 points)

Less than 1 Baht or alloys less than 99.5% (10 points)

1 Baht or more, all 99.5% pure gold (20 points)

(5) Your preferred TV snack is:

Potato chips or pretzel (0 points)

Fried rice (10 points)

Roasted ants (20 points)

(6) And the beer that goes along with it:

Guinness, Stout, wheat beer, German draft (0 points)

Canned Lager beer (10 points)

Chemically enriched beer resembling brine with animal names (20 points)

(7) On the walls of your apartment one finds:

Abstract art of the 20th century (0 points)

Beer or whisky advertising posters (10 points)

A picture of the Thai royal family (20 points)

(8) Items in your garden include:

A garden gnome (0 points)

A gaudy light chain with blinking lamps (10 points)

A banana, coconut, or mango tree (20 points)

(9) Your preferred seating is:

A couch or an armchair (0 points)

A wooden or stone bench, or a folding/plastic chair (10 points)

I don't own furniture for seating (20 points)

(10) Which TV programme you don't want to miss:

The evening news (0 points)

The Saturday night quiz show (10 points)

The last episode of my favourite soap opera (20 points)

(11) What do you smell when you open your fridge?

My fridge is odorless (0 points)

Curry paste (10 points)

Rotten fish paste (20 points)

(12) Your bathroom contains a:

A bidet or a shower cabin (0 points)

A water barrel and a plastic scoop (10 points)

A squat toilet (20 points)

(13) You are late for work. You tell your boss:

“I will work longer today to make up for it.” (0 points)

“A lot of rain today, a lot of traffic.” (10 points)

“Grandmother sick, doctor late, buffalo dead.” (20 points)

(14) Your private library consists of:

A good selection of fiction, classics, reference books, etc. (0 points)

Cook books and pulp magazines (10 points)

A phone book and three comic books (20 points)

(15) Your TV is broken. How do you spend the evening?

Grumbling, sourpussing, going to bed early (0 points)

I grant myself a second dinner (10 points)

In invite my friends for whisky and gambling (20 points)

(16) How do you greet someone you meet in the street?

“Howdy!” (0 points)

“Hello. Where are you going?” (10 points)

“Hello. Did you eat already?” (20 points)

(17) At a party you meet new people. To break the ice you say:

“Pleased to meet you. Did you already taste the 97 Burgundy?” (0 points)

“Hi, my name is Michael. And how much do you make per month?” (10 points)

“Hi, are you as drunk as I am? Hahaha.” (20 points)

(18) Items in your car include:

A car jack, a fire extinguisher, and a first-aid kit (0 points)

A selection of drinks and snacks (10 points)

Talismans, amulets, Buddha figurines, and an air freshener (20 points)

(19) You think of this poll as:

Entertaining (0 points)

Meaningless (10 points)

Exhausting, because it makes me think a lot (20 points)

(20) How did you calculate your total score?

Using mental arithmetic (0 points)

Using a pocket calculator (10 points)

I estimated it (20 points)

0-80 Points

Your farangity is 100% sound. At this time you don't need to worry about loss of cultural identity. Probably you don't have any intentions to leave the latitudes where uninterrupted Coke & Hamburger supply is guaranteed. Skinny, short, flat-breasted Asians don't rock your boat. As a stiff-necked potato eater you can neither deal with tropical temperatures nor with curry digestion.

90-160 Points

Although your farangity is not in acute danger, you have already removed yourself slightly from the Western norm. Such subtle deviations are difficult to recognise. Perhaps you stopped finding the British Airline inflight meals savoury? You ceased looking at your watch every 30 minutes? You push into elevators before anyone can get out? Be cautious! Theses are the first signs.

170-240 Points

There are clear indications that your farangity suffers from frequent exposure to Thai culture. Perhaps you already flirted with a Bangkok beauty? Do you tend to lose focus at work? Do you daydream about white sandy beaches and smiling Thai girls? Do you scour the streets of your home town for Thai restaurants? Get a grip, lad! Eat more fish 'n' chips and book a trip to Scandinavia for the upcoming holidays.

250-320 Points

You have severe farangity breakdowns which are caused by an advanced loss of cultural identity. You experience longer periods without karaoke/go-go bar entertainment as extremely depressing. Life in your home country appears like an unreal “film noir” to you. Your colleagues find your eating habits odd. There is still hope for you, however. Contact a rehabilitation centre and consider a six months potato and gravy diet. Burn your Hawaiian shirts. Play football, drink local beer, and watch sports or BBC/CNN for most of your waking time.

More than 320 Points

You experience the final stages of irreversible farangity loss. You are either constantly “butterflying” or you maintain at least one “mia noi”. Your eating habits have mutated to a degree where you find it difficult managing a knife with your right hand. You frequently indulge in rice liquor and cheap whisky. It is also likely that you already bought a pick-up truck with a 1000 Watts Karaoke system. If you haven't migrated to Thailand yet, you should do so immediately. It is already inescapable.

By X-Pat

[sceadugenga]

You think too mutt X. Some of those questions were very hurtful.

[londonthai]

[Briggsy]

Good one.

[britmaveric]

[mrbojangles]

(2) You answer your phone with the following words:

My first and last name (0 points)

“Hello” (10 points)

“Khap” (20 points)

Good one

How many points do you get if you answer your phone with "Waay"

[farangsay]

Brilliant

:D

Just brilliant.

You could try a post in the "You know you've

been too long in Thailand" thread with just

a link to this thread.

Thank you for making my day.

[sbk]

Question number 4 should have an extra one:

(4) How much gold do you wear?

None (0 points)

Less than 1 Baht or alloys less than 99.5% (10 points)

1 Baht or more, all 99.5% pure gold (20 points)

1 baht or more but I am a woman and women need their jewelry (0 points)

Seems only fair to me

[kayo]

Brilliant O.P!

280.

250-320 Points

You have severe farangity breakdowns which are caused by an advanced loss of cultural identity. You experience longer periods without karaoke/go-go bar entertainment as extremely depressing. Life in your home country appears like an unreal “film noir” to you. Your colleagues find your eating habits odd. There is still hope for you, however. Contact a rehabilitation centre and consider a six months potato and gravy diet. Burn your Hawaiian shirts. Play football, drink local beer, and watch sports or BBC/CNN for most of your waking time.

and I've been out of LOS for two and half years! (but still in 2/3rd world though)

[Strap]

Nice one,

Im afraid to say my points......

[Mobi]

No takers for over 320 points so far.

Not surprisng really. Anyone who is in the 'final stages of irreversible farangity loss', would be unlikely to waste their valuable time on Thai Visa.

Most probably getting a skinfull of rotgut before puking up in their squat loo

[slackula]

No takers for over 320 points so far.

Not surprisng really. Anyone who is in the 'final stages of irreversible farangity loss', would be unlikely to waste their valuable time on Thai Visa.

Check again, I just posted my score :D

Most probably getting a skinfull of rotgut before puking up in their squat loo

HEY! I resemble that remark

Great poll OP, very entertaining

[TLloyd]

Way to funny... :D

The sad or glad part (according to your own personal perspective) is that it's true

[Jet Gorgon]

How many points do you get if you answer your phone with "Waay"

That's Cantonese, Bo.

[rogerinthai]

Excellent!

[leisurely]

I only had ten until I discovered Chang counts for a massive 20 points . Still, a final total of 50 isn't bad

[adjan jb]

(11) What do you smell when you open your fridge?

My fridge is odorless (0 points)

Curry paste (10 points)

Rotten fish paste (20 points)

Very good thread

But you're a city dweller, aren't you ?

Otherwise you would not store your rotten fish paste in the fridge but on a shelf or the larder.

So it can improve.

[elkangorito]

You think too mutt X. Some of those questions were very hurtful.

Huh! What! Can't take a joke? I bet you bite like a wounded bull when someone so much as looks at you sideways. It's bloody hilarious...good for some tension relief.

[dereklev]

Great thread...............

I loved this....

(13) You are late for work. You tell your boss:

“I will work longer today to make up for it.” (0 points)

“A lot of rain today, a lot of traffic.” (10 points)

“Grandmother sick, doctor late, buffalo dead.” (20 points)

Very Reggie Perrin.............................

[Bellatrix]

Classic!

[Sing_Sling]

How many points do you get if you answer your phone with "Waay"

That's Cantonese, Bo.

Mandarin . . . pretty much all Chinese dialects use it. Can be grating with the right/wrong intonation.