What am I missing?

[impulse]

10 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

If you marry the wife, you have a relationship and responsibility with the kid too. If you are happy to let a kid taking the piss because you are afraid your wife gets angry, you either have a wife who isn't worth being one or you have no spine.

 

Whenever I hear something like that, the question I ask myself is "Would I rather be right, and get my way, or would I rather be happy?" 

 

I suspect we'd answer that differently, you and I.  Which is fine.  To each, his own.

 

Edit:  I'd also add that I have no fear of pissing anyone off.  But I do want to treat my wife, G/F with some respect for her abilities and tact, and some sensitivity to her culture, her circumstances and her relationship with her son.  If that makes me spineless, so be it. 

 

Edited July 2, 2018 by impulse

[catman20]

that's why I only date women with no kids.

[impulse]

44 minutes ago, catman20 said:

that's why I only date women with no kids.

 

Seems like that would come with its own set of risks, given that the best paying, steadiest job available to a lot of Thai women is "mother of some foreigner's kid". 

 

Show me a woman who says she doesn't want kids, and there's a real high probability I can show you someone who's scheming out a way to have one, with or without the willing cooperation of the guy she's got in her sights.  And that's not just in Thailand.

 

[pgrahmm]

Just ran into something like this myself....

Our family unit is solid = us & our 2 daughters, one prepping for first year university; the other 11 and all is good with minimal strife.....

My wife wanted to bring in a teen boy nephew (that 4 adults cannot control back at the family home - far away)....She feels bad for him and feels we could "fix" him.....He's doing whatever he wants, as well as hanging with a bad crowd, ditching school; it will get worse.....

I see nothing but attitude, disharmony, and major trouble brewing in my house for many years.....

 

My answer was - sorry, but no.....

I explained that I was taught you never invite trouble into your livingroom/life & pointed to the likely consequences and influences and how it would affect our family unit.....We have many, many years invested in "us" and we're all on the same page in the playbook....

 

If the 4 adults can't handle him now I'm not going to take him on....I could, as I'm pretty much ceded to be the alpha male of the family & I probably would be long term succesful - after a lot of long term hell involving 5 (or more) people = I don't want the grief....

My wife thought about it & respected it (and I think now agrees) - not another mention of it....

 

Moral of this....You have to be careful, diligent, and firm in the handling/guarding of your house and your life..... 

 

Thai's respect strong men - unfortunately, some are strong on the flip side of good, others just leech along....

 

I do feel badly for his situation & hope it turns out better than what's now happening....But that's where it stops....

 

 

Edited July 2, 2018 by pgrahmm

[RT555]

5 hours ago, Morch said:

 

Told by whom?

 

Step son, probably yes. His buddies? At your discretion. You're not obligated.

As long as you do not clearly say enough is enough, nothing will change though.

 

And anyway, how much one accepts Thai ways is a personal choice.

Many things are easy to adapt to or shrug off, some not so much.

 

I find that a whole lot of these issues are better handled if making things clear with the Mrs. beforehand.

She's usually better at "translating" things to "Thai ways" in a more acceptable manner.

That's 100% correct. 

[catman20]

1 hour ago, impulse said:

 

Seems like that would come with its own set of risks, given that the best paying, steadiest job available to a lot of Thai women is "mother of some foreigner's kid". 

 

Show me a woman who says she doesn't want kids, and there's a real high probability I can show you someone who's scheming out a way to have one, with or without the willing cooperation of the guy she's got in her sights.  And that's not just in Thailand.

 

ive had a vasectomy thats that blown your whole argument apart ? all the women i date or have date know this and whilst your properly right they would like to have a kid it dose not appear to be an issue.

been involved in at least 3 or 4 long term relationship 5years plus

Edited July 2, 2018 by catman20

[catman20]

2 hours ago, impulse said:

 

Whenever I hear something like that, the question I ask myself is "Would I rather be right, and get my way, or would I rather be happy?" 

 

I suspect we'd answer that differently, you and I.  Which is fine.  To each, his own.

 

Edit:  I'd also add that I have no fear of pissing anyone off.  But I do want to treat my wife, G/F with some respect for her abilities and tact, and some sensitivity to her culture, her circumstances and her relationship with her son.  If that makes me spineless, so be it. 

 

i think you have a point but to want to treat your wife, G/F with some respect for her abilities and tact, and some sensitivity to her culture is one thing.

you can still speak to her about this with respect and in turn she should sort it out if she has any respect for you. if you dont do that  you will be treated like a door mat who is spineless.

[moutamine]

1 hour ago, impulse said:

 

Seems like that would come with its own set of risks, given that the best paying, steadiest job available to a lot of Thai women is "mother of some foreigner's kid". 

 

Show me a woman who says she doesn't want kids, and there's a real high probability I can show you someone who's scheming out a way to have one, with or without the willing cooperation of the guy she's got in her sights.  And that's not just in Thailand.

 

And?  She can keep it after she's been dishonest and you move on to another chick!

[cyberfarang]

5 hours ago, falangjim said:

Thanks for an intelligent and polite response.  Three 'waves' of this kind of behavior with my wife's friends sticking around a little longer than expected has happened in as many years.  Obviously, the assumption is part of the problem.  And the fact is, I can well afford it.  I did say enough is enough and they all left, which wasn't really the idea.  The idea is to have my stepson stay. 

 

Go <deleted> yourself.

If you believe you`re being taken advantage off, then it is by your wife, not your step-son. It is up to her to tell the friends hanger ons that they have outstayed their welcome and now it`s time to go. Then your wife, as the mother, should insist she wishes for her son to stay, and if he still decides to leave, that`s up to him, not your problem.

 

What is it? Are you scared of displeasing your wife? Either make your feelings clear or put up with it, those are your only 2 options, we can`t make the decision for you.

[BritManToo]

6 hours ago, falangjim said:

late May I agreed to have my step-son, who is 17 years old, move from Issan to come live with us

Learn to say NO.

[moutamine]

Guys, why the hell are you marrying these little boob-less hookers??!!  Did you forget why you came to Thailand in the first place?  Marrying any of them was never part of the plan.  You really think they consider you like a husband, you are nothing more than a provider, an exit out of their misery.  They are simply waiting for you to die and inherit your money so she can go back to their Thai no good husbands that you are not aware of.  Wake up fellas!!

[dotpoom]

IMO...People can only take advantage of me...if I allow them to.

[falangjim]

4 hours ago, Will27 said:

Tell the wife that the stepson is more than welcome and that's it.

 

Does she know you're unhappy about the situation?

If she is and does nothing about it,  you've got a bigger problem than you think IMO.

Yes, my wife is well aware of how I feel about the situation.  And as I type, we are helping the friend of my stepson out of the condo, in a civil, decent way.  My wife and I are trying to discern if my stepson wants to leave our condo to be with his friend or if he wants to stay.  I wish he would stay, to be honest, but it's up to him.  I know my wife will want him to stay with us, and I'm completely cool with that since he's family.  If I had a bigger place, a spare bedroom, it might be feasible for his 'friend' to stick around longer than a month, but that's not the situation.  

I regret posting this topic and I've tried to delete it.  It brings out the lonely scum of the world who wouldn't understand the kind of tact it takes to make a relationship and a family work.  To them, I say, enjoy your bar-stools, losers.

[roo860]

Guys, why the hell are you marrying these little boob-less hookers??!!  Did you forget why you came to Thailand in the first place?  Marrying any of them was never part of the plan.  You really think they consider you like a husband, you are nothing more than a provider, an exit out of their misery.  They are simply waiting for you to die and inherit your money so she can go back to their Thai no good husbands that you are not aware of.  Wake up fellas!!

[emoji23]

Sent from my SM-G920F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[Media1]

Please go home. His not your son step son and its nothing to do with culture. Go home

[Rc2702]

Short answer no.

 

Letting unknown variables stay in your family home. That is the only question I would be asking myself.

 

 

[impulse]

1 hour ago, catman20 said:

i think you have a point but to want to treat your wife, G/F with some respect for her abilities and tact, and some sensitivity to her culture is one thing.

you can still speak to her about this with respect and in turn she should sort it out if she has any respect for you. if you dont do that  you will be treated like a door mat who is spineless.

 

You're agreeing with me.  My suggestion was to discuss it with the wife and let her handle it with the kid.  The OP's relationship is with his wife, not his step-son.  Getting between the two of them can go sideways for any number of reasons.  He's got 2 (?) kids with her that he also needs to consider.

 

I agree with you about being a doormat, but we need to keep in mind that this incident didn't happen in a vacuum, and there may be a million other issues and incidents where she's been the one to compromise.  I have a vague recollection of being married and as I remember it, I had to take it in whole, win some, lose some, choose the battles important to me, and occasionally concede the others. 

 

Which, of course, flies in the face of the "my way or the highway" mentality of so many guys boldly posting on here (Incidentally, on a Thai centric forum- because they had to come to Thailand to find a chick willing to put up with them).  Then cry in their beer when even their Thai gal has had enough, cleans them out, takes the kids, and dumps them.

Edited July 2, 2018 by impulse

[Vacuum]

2 hours ago, catman20 said:

that's why I only date women with no kids.

Dating is one thing, having a relationship, is completely another thing.

[poanoi]

while we are on topic: i could use a free room in bkk,

would you mind ?

is it close to skytrain or subway ?

[FritsSikkink]

42 minutes ago, moutamine said:

Guys, why the hell are you marrying these little boob-less hookers??!!  Did you forget why you came to Thailand in the first place?  Marrying any of them was never part of the plan.  You really think they consider you like a husband, you are nothing more than a provider, an exit out of their misery.  They are simply waiting for you to die and inherit your money so she can go back to their Thai no good husbands that you are not aware of.  Wake up fellas!!

It maybe a big surprise for you but not everybody came here for the hookers.

[Lacessit]

4 hours ago, kingkenny said:

Find a sexy Uni girl and move her in to the spare room, tell your wife you are helping with her studies.

 

The results will be no more step son and his mates, and you will gain eye candy in the condo and a wife that wants to drain your balls daily to stop you straying.

 

Free advice mate, people should pay me for such advice.

So when the wife feeds the OP's todger to the ducks as a result of your advice, are you going to give a refund?

[kingkenny]

Read it again, he only actually does his wife.  

[observer90210]

A valuable caution of life...beware when starting a relationship, if the lady has kids....(not always bad, but nobody can predict how it will work out, so better be safe and look for another one...women don't lack)

[Lacessit]

4 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

Nonsense, don't always hide behind your wife and man up. Tell him yourself if you have any self respect you as the man of the house takes care of things.

You think a Thai male will take any notice of what a falang says?

The only leverage a falang has is the relationship with his GF/wife. Anything else is wishful thinking.

[Lacessit]

4 minutes ago, kingkenny said:

Read it again, he only actually does his wife.  

Jealousy in Thai women is a fairly common phenomenon.

[KiChakayan]

5 hours ago, Odysseus123 said:

Yes,ultimately (in my experience) it comes down to that.

 

Bludging Thai males-and their mothers- are in a class of their own.

Yessss. I don't think I could handle a 17 years old step son. I try to educate my daughters to distrust Thai boys and wait until they are off to farangland, to study, to find a proper partner. Unless they are lesbians of course...

[catman20]

1 hour ago, Vacuum said:

Dating is one thing, having a relationship, is completely another thing.

it was a figure of speech , i only have relationships with women with no kids 3 or 4 as i recall, all lasted over 5 years and still in one.?

[catman20]

52 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

It maybe a big surprise for you but not everybody came here for the hookers.

? really ? you come here for the temples and the culture ??

[FritsSikkink]

23 minutes ago, catman20 said:

? really ? you come here for the temples and the culture ??

I work here

[FritsSikkink]

59 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

You think a Thai male will take any notice of what a falang says?

The only leverage a falang has is the relationship with his GF/wife. Anything else is wishful thinking.

I know they do, pretty sad that they don't listen to you. Then again which such thinking, they are probably right in doing so.