The week that was in Thailand news: Visa advice - or why every man in Thailand needs a Bunbury.

 

 

Years ago whenever my best friends got together for a night out the conversation invariably turned to visas. Not those silly things in passports that newbies are forever prattling on about but real visas. Those issued by the only authority that truly matters.....the wife.

 

Had you been officially stamped out for a late night away from the missus or gained that Holy Grail of Permission, the all-night-return-in-the-morning visa, perhaps?

 

One had to be careful - sometimes visas were issued with the intent of secretly testing the bearer but usually, once in possession of the blessed yet imaginary stamp, a good, worry free night was guaranteed. 

 

Like getting a visa from a Thai Consulate it was always important to follow the basic rules of engagement. Dress well, smile and wait your turn until the soaps finished..... and above all speak nicely. In addition it was often important, rather like ready excuses to the Thai authorities about what one might be doing in Thailand, to have what is known as a Bunbury to ensure visa issuance.

 

This, as anyone who has read "The Importance of Being Earnest" knows, is the imaginary friend of Algernon who gives him an alibi to dodge unwanted society commitments. Your Thailand Bunbury should be carefully "chosen".

 

Due to the extremely suspicious nature of most Siamese spouses the Bunbury should be a friend, preferably foreign, who does actually exist but is very rarely seen or heard from. Choosing an entirely imaginary person a la Algernon is not sensible, especially in these days of contact-ability through social media.

 

The Bunbury should also be of good moral character so that going to see him to spend an evening does not raise "mia" eyebrows. He should be untraceable and often go abroad on unspecified yet vital business and must never under any circumstances come to one's house, even on Christmas Day.

 

Like all visas the person issued such permission should keep within the rules - no overstaying to 6am on a 3am visa and while reeking of booze is acceptable - even to be encouraged - one must not smell of anything else. Those who pong of perfume - especially the cheap kind - or who have that lipstick on the collar one hears about must accept that they could find themselves blacklisted for a very long time to come.  

 

Or even food for the ducks.

 

How a friend of mine got away with arriving home with his shirt inside out I shall never know. His wife somehow accepted his hurried explanation that he must have inadvertently gone out like that the previous evening. 

 

Had it been me I would have said that I had taken off my shirt in joy like premier league footballers after Tottenham scored in the live TV match - and prayed to Buddha that 'er indoors didn't know that Spurs had lost 0-1 that evening. 

 

Working for Thaivisa it is often assumed by people I meet that I know a lot about visas as that is what it says on the company tin. I shall leave real visa knowledge to TV legend Ubon Joe as, apart from the home issued variety, I know little about the subject except for outdated visa runs in the 1980s and a sixteen month rigmarole ending in 2003 to get permanent residency.

 

Having PR makes many transactions easier and above all else gives me right of abode. I have never bothered with Thai citizenship - I'm actually quite content with feeling like a citizen of the world even though it says British in my passport. 

 

PR cost me 20,000 baht in the days before Taksin put the price up by at least five times that. With a friend in a similar married with children boat we did all the paperwork together and had some great laughs and stories to tell after the near one and a half year process. 

 

One of the questions in the language test asked - in Thai script - how many days there are in a week. I didn't find this too challenging but my mate, a teacher, who couldn't read Thai needed his wife who was allowed to be present to give him a hand. 

 

On another occasion needing some documents signed we spent a very weird evening in the home of a great, great granddaughter of a Thai monarch who was the owner of the school where we worked. We were regaled about ethics and were required to apologize for allegedly encouraging some teen students who smoked on a trip to the Rocket Festival in Yasothon that we once organised. 

 

This apology was the final hurdle to residency!

 

Now all I need is a yearly exit stamp in my book and a visit to the Pahonyothin police about every seven years to tell them where I am and congratulate the football mad chief on Liverpool's latest win. Bunbury is no longer required these days as I so infrequently get out of the house at night that my wife is glad to see the back of me when I do.....without the necessity of a stamp.

 

One of the biggest stories on Thaivisa this week - at least as far as comments goes - was that of Udom Suksanaih the US citizen in Phrae who amuses thousands of Thais with his funny videos and comments on Facebook in northern Thai dialect. We are in regular contact so he knew that sending me news that he had gone to the US consulate in Chiang Mai to ask about renouncing his US citizenship in order to become a Thai would be of interest. 

 

Comment was generally positive and most posters could grasp that Udom really only sees himself as Thai after going to the local 'anuban' after arriving with his missionary parents aged two. He is more than just a native speaker of Thai - he is a very funny and nice one who I, even with my Standard Thai abilities, have to ask about his punchlines.

 

Characters like this make working for Thaivisa as a translator and reporter more of a pleasure than a chore. Though there are plenty of scoundrels who I would not care to meet in or out of dark alleys.

 

One such person was the Laotian murderer of a grandmother and her granddaughter in Prapadaeng last weekend. Phalu was quickly rounded up in Mukdahan trying to cross the Mekhong and was brought back to Bangkok for a reenactment. 

 

Despite the authorities trying to end reenactments a couple of years back the show goes on though this time the murder scene itself was deemed too dangerous amid police fears of a lynching attempt on the Lao so it was moved to a hall at police HQ.

 

Here two decidedly foreign, even evil-looking, dolls were laid out as "nonchalant" Phalu showed how he attacked the kids as the cameras clicked and the TV cameras rolled and the reporters slathered like starving soi dogs. 

 

I am with the reformers - the Thai police really need to end these public spectacles reminiscent of something out of Victorian Britain. The cops made a quick arrest after good police work; is that not enough praise without having to invite all the Thai media for these unseemly rituals?

 

Meanwhile another nasty piece of work keeps festering.....Musk Melon. While the SpaceX chief was asking us to believe he has a craft capable of taking a misguided Japanese and some unspecified artists around the moon, his spat with caver Vernon Unsworth occupied yet more column inches. 

 

I find it difficult to believe that anyone could be on the side of Melon for his multiple libels yet the forum is full of them. Mr Unsworth is deserving of millions of dollars of this bully's money and I am sure he will get it in or out of court. Some donations to caving charities, if such organisations exist, might be a good idea but, frankly, if he spends it all on holidays sipping Pina Coladas in the Bahamas good luck to him. 

 

Stories that feature bullies annoy Rooster almost as much as those that hurt or cause damage to little children. Perhaps that's because I have two year old and five year old daughters whom I cherish more than life itself. Two stories this week made me "Mad as Hell in Ratchayothin".

 

The first was the four year old mauled and killed by dogs that got out of a neighbor's yard in Chaiyaphum. Seeing the little girl's pink bike on its side, and thinking about the joy of my daughter as she discovers speed on her own Hello Kittymobile in the safety of my condo, made my blood literally boil. 

 

I'll admit I hate dogs with a passion. But I hate their irresponsible owners more. I also hate the double standard laws that protect canines over humans. I'd like to see all soi dogs euthanized. And all owners who let their pets out severely fined after a first offence then jailed and the pets put down or found proper homes after the second. 

 

"Soi Dog Volunteers" and people like the "lovely farang" saving a mutt from the chop at a butchers this week are misguided and irritating. Let them keep pets in their home - if they're quiet - but keep them away from me and my family. 

 

Almost equally disgusting this week was the case of a four year old kindergarten kid raped in the toilets at a Bang Lamung school by three boys in secondary. Paveena Hongsakul and the provincial chief got involved and rightly so - this is a tremendously serious and alarming case. Inevitably, a kindergarten teacher became the fall guy, or gal. 

 

When I hear of cases like this it brings to mind the murder of two year old James Bulger led away by children to his death on the railways tracks in Liverpool in 1993. The murderers in that crime that "shook Britain" were younger than the attackers of the girl in Thailand. These children need to be removed from their parents and society for a very, very long time. Yes, they are still teens but that hardly mitigates the extent of their crime. 

 

Mrs Rooster wants them shot. I'll leave that fate to the dogs in the previous story but I have to agree she has a point. 

 

Lady boys - a staple of Thaivisa and a multitude of bigots masquerading as human beings on the forum - were again...er, up close and personal this week. In Pattaya - where else - two Koreans were left bloodied after going for a threesome with a denizen of Beach Road who they discovered was a "he" not a "she". I suppose it can be dark under those palm trees but even so. 

 

The other story suggested that the idea that Thailand is all joy and light for the LGBTI community is really just a myth. Though I have never been 'intimately involved' in this world I would have to agree. On the surface there is acceptance but scratch a little deeper and all is not well. Discrimination is rife.

 

Well-meaning Thais point to the number of transgenders in entertainment; but those on the soaps, for example, are displayed in appalling stereo-typicality. Mind you if we believed the soaps we'd have to accept so much: Fat people are always fun but their slim mates get the guy after being assaulted. Policemen are handsome and upright members of society. Rich hi-so's have maids from Isaan who are thrilled to be subjugated and belittled and smile almost appreciatively when abused.....

 

The list is endless. But imagine if the lady boys are not Thai. At a company where I do some work from time to time a very tall and husky voiced Canadian in a dress came for a job. According to a colleague at interview she seemed qualified, capable, presentable and personable enough.....until, that is the senior Thai manager found out that this farang was transgender. 

 

Suddenly the "he" was turned down and shown the door....not the back door I might add.

 

Contrary to many urban myths, laws that aim to prevent discrimination in the workplace, like laws that aim to protect workers, do exist in Thailand. But they are routinely ignored by employers because they know - just like the public at large in relation to great swathes of legislation - that they can get away with it. 

 

Thais equate lawlessness with freedom and while such an absurd situation exists I am encouraged to write Thaiglish gibberish:  You can't have your khanom and gin it!

 

Forum antennae vibrated this week when another large tract of land was revealed to be changing from its use of over 100 years to something else. Following the moving of Dusit Zoo - a favorite with me and my animal mad nippers that closes at the end of this month - came news that Nang Loeng racecourse had seen its last hurrah on Sunday. 

 

The Crown Property Bureau lease has finally expired and we were informed that a monument to His Late Majesty Rama IX will be erected along with a museum in the name of Her Majesty the Queen. Let's hope that the vast space is used well and that more races are added to the calendar at the RBSC - the capital's only other racecourse - to compensate those whose livelihoods will be affected by the closure of the track.

 

Having a passion for horse racing that taught me about numbers when my maths' masters failed, I visited Nang Loeng on my first Bangkok trip in 1982. A taxi driver took me there for free and paid for me to get in after shepherding me to several gem shops where I sampled gratis Pepsi and promised to come back on Monday. 

 

I shall always remember the wave of turning dark-haired Thai heads in the crowd as the selling-platers were thrashed to buggery by unstable jockeys coming down the straight towards me! This wasn't Epsom in June.

 

And the fact that bookies in the crowd were illegally giving punters 10% above the Tote odds and none of the officials at the track lifted a finger to stop it. One of the first idioms I learnt was 'buying grass for horses", that is to say gambling. Happy - educational - days!

 

But as Bangkok journo legend - and Rooster hero - Bernard Trink might have said regarding the relocation of the zoo to Pathum Thani or the closure of Nang Loeng racecourse for good: 

 

"Any other comments would be superfluous.....I'll clue ya". 

 

Rooster

 

 

-- © Copyright Thai Visa News 2018-09-22

 

While I enjoy reading the musings of someone who has been here nearly as long as I have, recognizing and enjoying most of your references, I am also struck by how we have taken very different paths and led very different lives here in the Kingdom.

 

I didn’t do the multiple marriage route and stayed single until my mid-forties.  Never had to ask for a “visa” and opted not to bother with PR either.  I love dogs but not children and my skin crawled, on the all too frequent occasions, when I bumped into Trink cozying up to the mama-sans or shopping in Foodland.

‘my first Bangkok trip in 1982. A taxi driver took me there for free and paid for me to get in’

 

So begpacking is quite an ancient sport, then!

17 minutes ago, Stuart21 said:

‘my first Bangkok trip in 1982. A taxi driver took me there for free and paid for me to get in’

 

So begpacking is quite an ancient sport, then!

He clearly made plenty from the gem shops. I never asked for a free ride!

58 minutes ago, villagefarang said:

While I enjoy reading the musings of someone who has been here nearly as long as I have, recognizing and enjoying most of your references, I am also struck by how we have taken very different paths and led very different lives here in the Kingdom.

 

I didn’t do the multiple marriage route and stayed single until my mid-forties.  Never had to ask for a “visa” and opted not to bother with PR either.  I love dogs but not children and my skin crawled, on the all too frequent occasions, when I bumped into Trink cozying up to the mama-sans or shopping in Foodland.

Everyone, including you obviously, has a great tale to tell. I offer my own as an entertainment and hope the stories bring the odd smile.

Trink was a tad creepy....that medallion! We used to call Foodland at Patpong "Foodland A-Go-Go" due to the chance of meeting someone at the cheese counter.

Another interesting take on the week.  I'll agree with you on the question of dogs, although I wouldn't quite say that I hate them with a passion.  However, it's possibly a risky subject to bring up on here, I sometimes think some TV readers have more concern for dogs than humans.  I am also in total agreement with your wife, regarding the fate of the kindergarden child rapists, but I expect a wai and a 500 baht fine will be the end result.  Call me a cynic.  At least the Brits locked up the killers of Jamie Bulger for a long time. 

I met a few guys who agreed to monogamous relationships with their thai girls. the rest were far happier.

"And all owners who let their pets out severely fined after a first offence then jailed and the pets put down or found proper homes after the second."

 

And the same criteria should be applied to the same (Thai?) poster who said that it was "just" an accident and neither the grandmother or the owner of the dogs, or indeed the dogs themselves deserved punishment. 

Another great read Rooster , particularly like the Bunbury !!

Although your sermons always leave me with a smile on my face, today was different !, but through no fault of yours.

 

 The James Bulger incident brought back floods of sad memories. My son Jamie was two years old at the time of the killing and the feeling that it could have been him was overwhelming !! Didn’t let him out of my sight for a long time after that fateful day !!

Yeah, children always take priority over animals, no contest. Still dogs have their uses, not everyone is into the need for a personal companion who will love them unconditionally (though, I suspect this is what a lot of guys seek in Thailand). But greyhounds - now there's a dog for a racing man who can't afford a race-horse. Does greyhound racing even exist in Thailand? Had some happy times in Brighton at the Brighton and Hove Greyhound Stadium.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1287878/?ref_=wl_li_tt

 

re: misguided cultures and children

Good read Rooasrter, I am glad that you and other expats can live year rou nd over

in that hot country. I am okay from late October until February, but find March and

April and sometimes May way too hot. Keep up the humour.

Geezer.

Pathetic. I gave up reading this at the first hint of cuck male subordination and submission to a women.

So I see there are a few clever expats here who can speak and read Thai. Rooster your articles are insightful , lighthearted and full of my type of innuendo. Keep it up.

I need some help for my Thai GF as she sees mega bargains which she keeps wanting to be involved in. How can I translate " if it sounds too good to be true, it is" ?