Worst Joke Ever 2024

scottiejohn · June 24, 2023

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the situation was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yup. Sure did," the farmer said, cutting off his motor.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yup."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Oh my god. President Trump is dead?"

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"

scottiejohn · June 24, 2023

It could’ve been worse.

James is walking down the street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.
"Not so good," says Harry.
"Why, what happened?" James queries.
"Well," Harry says, "I just went bankrupt and I've still got to feed my family. And in this recession and inflation I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Could have been worse," James replies calmly. "Could have been worse."

A month or so later, James again encounters Harry, outside a chip shop. "And how are things now?" he asks.
"Terrible!" says Harry. "Our house burned down last night. That's why I'm buying some food for the family"
"Could have been worse," says James, again with total aplomb, and goes about his business.

A month later, James runs into Harry a third time. "Well, how goes it?" he inquires.
"Oh!" says Harry. "Things just get worse and worse. It's one setback after another! Now my wife has left me!"
Harry nods his head and gives his usual optimistic-seeming little smile, accompanied by his usual words: "Could've been worse."

This time, Harry grabs James by the shoulders. "Wait a minute!" he says. "I'm not gonna let you off so easy this time. Three times in the past few months we've run into one another, and every time I've told you the latest knockback in my life. Every time you say the same thing: 'Could have been worse.' This time, for God's sake, Harry, I want you to tell me: how in Heaven's name could it have been any worse?"

James looks at Harry with the same little wisp of a smile. "Could have been worse," he says.

"Could have happened to me."

scottiejohn · June 24, 2023

Recollections may differ!

Two Women were chatting in the office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was bloody awful! My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at their place of work.
Husband 1: You said you were going home for sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home remember
there was no electricity so I had to light bloody candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another bleeding hour.

scottiejohn · June 24, 2023

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the hiring inspector at the signal box. To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus averting a disaster."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Well, I'd run down to the tracks and activate the manual lever," said Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Tom, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if the public phone was on fire?"
"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Is he in the fire department?"

"No. He's never seen a train crash."