Worst Joke Ever 2024

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

16 hours ago, oxo1947 said:

 

Can you name the country and western song ?

I just thought I might revive an oldie !

I can't find the Terry Wogan version - "You picked a time to leave me loose heel, four hundred children and a crop in the field."

But this one's pretty good ...

 

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[scottiejohn]

21 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

The flowing Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
* Funnel will be held tomato.

* His funfair will be help next sundial.

* There's a special place in he'll for you.

 

 

Edited August 2, 2023 by scottiejohn
Autocerrect correction!

[scottiejohn]

Just some random thoughts!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . ”stuff that!" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

 

A wife says to her husband, “You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.”

 

[scottiejohn]

Just some more random thoughts! 

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not been listening.

 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

 

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

 

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

[oxo1947]

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[oxo1947]

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I can't find the Terry Wogan version - "You picked a time to leave me loose heel, four hundred children and a crop in the field."

But this one's pretty good ..

You win Chickenlegs...... by virtue of the fact that no one else entered ----  but on another site -:

 

Try that in a small town?

I land in the stream?.

Don't leave me loose wheel (Lucille)

Johnny cash - one piece at a time

One wheel on my wagon...

Fork in the road

Wheel in the Sky, Journey

Free Wheelin’, Bob Dylan

[isaanistical]

Attendance at a China zoo has boomed since rumours started that the animals in its bears enclosure were actually humans in disguise.

 

Tottenham are expected to copy this in the new season.

[Zyxel]

Three guys are drinking at a bar and talking about their favorite bars. The first guy says, 'As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'

'Well,' said the second man, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the third guy, 'Back home in Dublin my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!'

The first two guys lift their eyebrows in suspicion. 'Yea right,' says the first guy, 'there is no bar that good.' The man swore every word was true. Then the second man asked, 'Come ON, be real. Did this actually happen to you?'

'Well. Not to me, personally, no.' admitted the man, "But it did happen to my sister quite a few times."

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple

scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,

"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found

my wife in bed with my best friend.

"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple

scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."

As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So

what did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in

the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her

stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best

friend?"

"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad

dog!'"

[Zyxel]

A visitor, returning to Kuwait for the first time since the Gulf War, was impressed by a sociological change.

On previous visits, she noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.

She observed that the men now walked over 20 paces BEHIND their wives!

She approached one of the women for an explanation: "What enabled women here to achieve this marvelous reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," replied the Kuwaiti woman.

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]