Worst Joke Ever 2024

[tomazbodner]

2 hours ago, ravip said:

Yeah, at least this one has a red glowing coil inside. I did that on induction plate!

[ballpoint]

I was driving behind an ambulance today when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right, the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the kerb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it.

When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it.

“Woops , that’s a serious mistake” I thought, and unsure of where it was headed I called the A&E Dept of the biggest hospital in the area and explained what I had found.

The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”.

I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied
“No, we’ll just send a toe truck”.

[ballpoint]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[ballpoint]

A man walks into a library and says, "Hey *******, I want a @@@@@@@ book about learning ####### Spanish."
The librarian says, "There's no need for that language!"
He says, "You're probably right, the ^^^^^ all speak English anyway."

[ballpoint]

[dcsw53]

[ravip]

12 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

[ozimoron]

[ravip]

 

I've known about the Invisible Man, but not about a seat!

[Beachcomber]

I got a box of Viagra teabags last night.

 

They do nothing for your love life but they do stop your biscuit going soft when you dunk it.

[Beachcomber]

“Two Irish lads were working for the local county council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in.

 

They worked up along one street and then down the other. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping.

 

One lad digging the holes. The other lad filling them in.

 

A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at the hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were at.

 

So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, ‘I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?’

 

The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, ‘Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. You see, we’re normally a three-man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.'

 

[Beachcomber]

I hate the word "xenophobia"!!

 

it sounds so...  

 

foreign

[Beachcomber]

I accidentally took my cats meds this morning...

 

Don't ask meow!!

[Beachcomber]

The inventor of autocorrect has died.

The funnel will be held tomato.

[Beachcomber]

 An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew, and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to Milltown in County Clare to get him to paint their likenesses.

 

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo, and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; moreover, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.

 

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.

 

In a few minutes he returned. "The wife says it's okay. T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. “I’ll paint you in the nude alright, but I have to leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes!

[Beachcomber]

The Indian restaurant my best friend works in are so secretive that he had to sign a legal agreement that he wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe.

it was their naan disclosure agreement.

[Beachcomber]

My friend said that he would bet me £500 that i couldn't steal a boat...

 

I decided to take a punt.

 

[Beachcomber]

The insurance companies are warning campers that if your tent is stolen in the night,

You won't be covered

[Beachcomber]

A musician I know writes songs about sewing machines.
He is a singer songwriter.

[Beachcomber]

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns . . 

I knew the end was in sight

[Beachcomber]

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

 

[Beachcomber]

Is my partner dissatisfied with my body?

 

A tiny part of me says yes!

 

[Beachcomber]

I put my phone under my pillow last night....

 

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £2 coin in it's place.

 

It was the Bluetooth Fairy!