Worst Joke Ever 2024

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

On an unrelated matter I visited my gf’s hometown and her niece and nephew were having a school sports day type deal, parading downtown with drum major etc then back to school for sports.

The boys wore green soccer shirts and the girls yellow, it all looked pretty nice and fun for the kids, but what spoilt it a little ( for me ) was the nieces shirt was sponsored by Pornhub !!
There it was in big letters !!

I kept quiet, didn’t want to put a downer on the day, was just hoping none of the other adults were inquisitive and googled it !!

( sorry if you were waiting for a funny ending to this story, just a real story that I found strange and amusing at the same time ).

[tomazbodner]

2 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Maybe she needs what this thread (hopefully deleted by now) is/was selling:

 

 

To seller of fake certificates: It's "COUNTRIES". May also help to seek definition of "ORIGINAL".

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two men lived next door to each other for over 20 years but they couldn't have been more different. Sam was a model citizen, church every Sunday, a parish counsellor and a charity worker. Geoff was a drinker, gambler and a man for the ladies. Eventually Geoff died, he was quite young but the riotous life did him no favours. Then 15 years later, Sam passed away and arrived in heaven where he was astonished to see his ex-next-door neighbour lounging on a cloud, a huge barrel of beer next to him and a naked lady sitting on his lap. 
"Why, that's outrageous!" exclaimed Sam. 'I strive to be a good citizen on earth so that I might enjoy the fruits of heaven and when I get here I see Geoff. He should have been in hell." 
"Oh he's in hell alright," said the angel,

 

"That beer barrel's got a hole in it...and the woman hasn't." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

One of Scotland's greatest footballers died and went to heaven where he was met at the Pearly Gates by a heavenly Saint complete with grey beard robes, the lot. 
 "Is there any reason why you think you should not be allowed in?" asked the Saint. 
The footballer thought for a moment and then replied, 
"Actually there was an international match that I played in, Ireland against England, and I purposefully fell over in the box so that we were awarded a penalty. I did it twice and we beat England 2--0." 
"Well, it's not the most serious mistake error I've ever heard so you may come in." 
"Oh that's wonderful, I've always regretted that moment... thank you so much, St Peter I thought I was bound for Hell." 
"Think nothing of it," said the angel. 
"Oh, by the way, I'm not St Peter, it's his and St George's day off, I'm St Andrew." 
 

[scottiejohn]

How old do you need to be to get this?

[scottiejohn]

A man was lying on his death bed, time was running out and his family were standing round about. 
"Joe, Joe," whispered his wife, "is there anything I can do for you? Do you have a last wish?" 
Joe lifted his head slowly from the pillow and sniffed the air. 
He could smell his wife's baking in the oven. 
"Can I have just a last slice of the wonderful cake you're baking?" he croaked. 

"I'm afraid not, Joe, that's for the funeral after you've gone." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[Dexlowe]

My sister always said I was an annoying ratbag who always had to get in the last word.

 

Our father was a priest and when introduced he would say "I work for The Lord Jesus." To which I would always reply in faux Italian accent, "Hey, wadda ya know, I-ah workah for his-ah brudder, da Kraft Cheesus."

 

Sis was right. And that should end the cheese jokes.

[Andrew Dwyer]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[ballpoint]

I went to a bar last night and there was a fat girl dancing on a table.

"Great legs!" I said. 

"Do you really think so?" she giggled back.

"Sure.  Any other table would have collapsed by now".

 

Sent from my hospital bed.

[chickenslegs]

Three pregnant women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde).

 

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other two asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy".

 

The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

 

The blonde starts to get very excited "This is great, I always wanted a puppy".

[chickenslegs]

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

 

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

 

What’s the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?

The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

 

An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

 

He said, “What are you doing, Father?”

The priest replied, “It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied, “You’ll be doing it soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

“Because my wrist is killing me.”

[chickenslegs]

Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery.

 

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go <deleted> yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!

The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”

[chickenslegs]

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence. However, this is a compassionate order, so you will be allowed to say two words every five years."

The man agreed and after the first 5 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"Food cold!" the man replied.

Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"

"Bed hard!" the man exclaimed.

Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"

"I quit!" said the man.

"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

[chickenslegs]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, naked, in front of all the head monks while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first 11 monk candidates, with no reaction. Then she got to the final monk.

 

As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

 

Embarrassed, he bent down to pick it up - and eleven other bells began to ring…..

[Andrew Dwyer]

Chickenlegs

[WorriedNoodle]

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

And now for today's "male chauvinist pig" statement;

 

[scottiejohn]

A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am."

The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife.

The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train."
The man says, "I know she does.  It was obviously a shotgun marriage after all but she has a good personality and is good with the kids."
 

[scottiejohn]