Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

[Zyxel]

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I visited my favourite old uncle who I hadn't seen for awhile. We sat on the back porch and poured ourselves a couple of glasses of beer.

Uncle gulped down his beer like there's no tomorrow -- one long, unbroken guzzle, didn't even stop for a breath.

I asked him - "Geez, why did you drink that beer so darn fast?"

He said "I always drink my beer that way, since my accident"

Surprised, I ask "Accident? What accident was that?"

"That time when someone knocked over my full glass of beer".

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An elderly lady goes to the newspaper office to have her recently deceased husband's obituary published. The obituaries editor tells her that it costs $1 per word.

The lady says, "Just write, 'Bob Smith died.'"

The editor, impressed by her frugality, tells her that there is a six word minimum.

"In that case, " she replies, " make it 'Bob Smith died. Motorcycle for sale.'"

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A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.
The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'P.S.: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'"

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[overherebc]

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

???? Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

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