Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

Be careful what you ask at Question Time!

Old Joe only had moments to live. At his bedside were his family -- his wife and the four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other had ginger. 
"Em, tell me please darling Emma, I've always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?" 
Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that, yes, he was his son. 
"Oh thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face. 
After the family had finally left the room, the wife sighed deeply. 
"Thank heaven he didn't ask about the other three." 
 

Edited November 22, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

7 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Not me !!

The other one !!

[scottiejohn]

46 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Not me !!

The other one !!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The Pied Piper for Justice!

A man was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long-forgotten brass rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.

A collector of brass objects, the purchase was soon made and the man departed.

However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and within minutes, the whole area was swimming in the vermin. Frightened for his life, the man raced down the road to the river and threw the brass rat into the water. Lo and behold all the rats ran into the water and drowned.

Immediately he returned to the antique market and sought out the man who had sold him the rat. When the shopkeeper recognised him, he said, "Back again already, Sir, is there something wrong with your rat figure?" 
"Oh no, not at all, I was just wondering if you had any brass figures of lawyers," he replied. 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Sex by any other means!

A sleazy man ran a pet shop and advertised on the front window that he had a dog for sale, specially reared for spinsters. 
It wasn't long before a woman came in asking for more details. 
 "I assure you, Miss, this dog will cater for all your needs," he said as he brought out a huge Alsatian for her to inspect. The woman bought the dog and they went home. However, a week later, he received an angry phone call from her, complaining that the dog was not satisfactory and she wanted him to go to her house immediately to either collect the dog or retain it.  
"My sincere apologies," simpered the man. "I'll come round and see you straight away." 
When the man arrived, he found the woman in bed and the dog asleep on the carpet. 
"Watch carefully, Brutus," he said to the dog as he took his clothes off.

 

"I'm only going to show you one more time." 
 

Edited November 23, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What you sow and reap!

Two men are crossing the Pennines when their car packs up on them and they are left stranded. Fortunately, they spot a little cottage and decide to ask for shelter. The door is opened by a widow who immediately invites them in and gives them something to eat. 
"I'm sorry, I only have a single bed in the spare room, so one of you will have to share with me. Steve picks the short straw and ends up sleeping with the widow who is so starved for sex that the night turns out to be very passionate. 
The following morning, they have breakfast and say goodbye. 
"Martin, I've got something to confess," says Steve. "When she asked me for my name and address I gave her yours. You know what my wife is like, she'd have murdered me." 
However, Martin is not amused and when they return home, they don't see each other for over a year, until they meet up again in the bank. 
"I'm glad I've seen you," says Martin. "I've had a letter from the solicitor of that widow, he..." 
But before he can continue, Steve interrupts. 
"Listen, I really am sorry about that. As it happens, my wife's left me anyway." 
"No, no," says Martin. "I just wanted to let you know that the widow has died and left me £2 million." 

[scottiejohn]

[chickenslegs]

[tifino]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[tifino]

A LETTER FROM A CONSTITUENT ABOUT HOW HE ADVISED HIS TEENAGE DAUGHTER ON ‘CLIMATE CHANGE’

Dear Craig,

After our daughter of fifteen years of age was moved to tears by the speech of Greta Thunberg at the UN the other day, she became angry with our generation “who had been doing nothing for thirty years”

So, we decided to help her prevent what the girl on TV announced of “massive eradication and the disappearance of entire ecosystems”.

We are now committed to give our daughter a future again, by doing our part to help cool the planet four degrees.

From now on she will go to school on a bicycle, because driving her by car costs fuel, and fuel puts emissions into the atmosphere. Of course it will be winter soon and then she will want to go by bus, but cycling through the freezing builds resilience.

Of course, she is now asking for an electric bicycle, but we have shown her the devastation caused to the areas of the planet as a result of mining for the extraction of Lithium and other minerals used to make batteries for electric bicycles, so she will be pedaling, or walking. Which will not harm her, or the planet. We used to cycle and walk to school too.

Since the girl on TV demanded “we need to get rid of our dependency on fossil fuels” and our daughter agreed with her, we have disconnected the heat vent in her room. The temperature is now dropping to twelve degrees in the evening, and will drop below freezing in the winter, we have promised to buy her an extra sweater, hat, tights, gloves and a blanket.

For the same reason we have decided that from now on she only takes a cold shower. She will wash her clothes by hand, with a wooden washboard, because the washing machine is simply a power consumer and since the dryer uses natural gas, she will hang her clothes on the clothes line to dry, just like my parents and grandparents used to do.

Speaking of clothes, the ones that she currently has are all synthetic, so made from petroleum. Therefore on Monday, we will bring all her designer clothing to the secondhand shop.

We have found an eco store where the only clothing they sell is made from undyed and unbleached linen and jute. Also can’t have clothes made on wool, because the emissions from farting sheep are supposedly causing bad weather.

It shouldn’t matter that it looks good on her, or that she is going to be laughed at, dressing in colorless, bland clothes and without a wireless bra, but that is the price she has to pay for the benefit of The Climate.

Cotton is out of the question, as it comes from distant lands and pesticides are used for it. Very bad for the environment.

We just saw on her Instagram that she’s pretty angry with us. This was not our intention.

From now on, at 7 p.m. We will turn off the WiFi and we will only switch it on again the next day after dinner for two hours. In this way we will save on electricity, so she is not bothered by electro-stress and will be totally isolated from the outside world. This way, she can concentrate solely on her homework. At eleven o’clock in the evening we will pull the breaker to shut the power off to her room, so she knows that dark is really dark. That will save a lot of CO2.

She will no longer be participating in winter sports to ski lodges and resorts, nor will she be going on anymore vacations with us, because our vacation destinations are practically inaccessible by bicycle.

Since our daughter fully agrees with the girl on TV that the CO2 emissions and footprints of her great-grandparents are to blame for ‘killing our planet’, what all this simply means, is that she also has to live like her great-grandparents and they never had a holiday, a car or even a bicycle.

We haven’t talked about the carbon footprint of food yet.

Zero CO2 footprint means no meat, no fish and no poultry, but also no meat substitutes that are based on soy (after all, that grows in farmers fields, that use machinery to harvest the beans, trucks to transport to the processing plants, where more energy is used, then trucked to the packaging/canning plants, and trucked once again to the stores) and also no imported food, because that has a negative ecological effect. And absolutely no chocolate from Africa, no coffee from South America and no tea from Asia.

Only homegrown potatoes, vegetables and fruit that have been grown in local cold soil, because greenhouses run on boilers, piped in CO2 and artificial light. Apparently, these things are also bad for The Climate. We will teach her how to grow her own food.

Bread is still possible, but butter, milk, cheese and yogurt, cottage cheese and cream come from cows and they emit CO2. No more margarine and no oils will be used for the frying pan, because that fat is palm oil from plantations in Borneo where rain forests first grew.

No ice cream in the summer. No soft drinks and no energy drinks, as the bubbles are CO2.

We will also ban all plastic, because it comes from chemical factories. Everything made of steel and aluminum must also be removed. Have you ever seen the amount of energy a blast furnace consumes or an aluminum smelter? All bad for the climate!

We will replace her memory foam pillow top mattress, with a jute bag filled with straw, with a horse hair pillow.

And finally, she will no longer be using makeup, soap, shampoo, cream, lotion, conditioner, toothpaste and medication. Facewashers will all be linen, that she can wash by hand, with her wooden washboard, just like her female ancestors did before climate change made her angry at us for destroying her future.

In this way we will help her to do her part to prevent mass extinction, water levels rising and the disappearance of entire ecosystems.

If she truly believes she wants to walk the talk of the girl on TV, she will gladly accept and happily embrace her new way of life.

Regards,
(Name Withheld)

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[Andrew Dwyer]

 

 

Nah !!

Can get another 6 months from those undercrackers !!

[WorriedNoodle]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Will you get what you wish for?

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their 15YO son will be when he grows up.
"I have an idea," says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a manual worker, and if he takes the Bible, that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, looks through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father.

"He's going to be a politician!"

[scottiejohn]

[cornishcarlos]

[scottiejohn]

The Memorial Stone

Jock passed away. His will provided £30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Jock would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Maggie, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Maggie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but £30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was £4,300. I donated £100 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $600. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Maggie computed quickly. "£25,000 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Two politicians of opposing parties are having lunch. The first politician says, "There are many ways of making money, but I believe there is only one honest way."
"And how's that?" the second politician asks.
The first politician laughs and replies, "I have no idea. But I thought maybe you would."
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist? She was stabbed more than 167 times, but she felt awesome the next day.

 

A young man walks into a record store and asks the clerk, "Do you have anything by the Doors?"
"Sure," replies the clerk, "a mop bucket and a fire extinguisher."