Worst Joke Ever 2024

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[KannikaP]

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So how bad is the economy really doing, you ask?

Women are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

Jury duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street ."

When Donald and Melania travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

[Zyxel]

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[scottiejohn]

When Putin began his first term in office…
When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics but Yeltsin certainly new about it, especially uprisings and government overthrows!

Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If things go really really bad, open the second envelope.

 

In 1999 till early 2000, things got really bad, The Central bank defaulted in 1998 and the effects were felt everywhere, unemployment was rife, stores were empty and people were in the streets hungry, angry and protesting.

 

In desperation, Putin reached for the bottom drawer and pulled out the first envelope, in a small note, it was typewritten “Blame your predecessor”.

 

Putin blamed Boris Yeltsin, his predecessor for the woes of Russia, the dissolution of the Soviet Union as the biggest disaster in its history and told his compatriots to give him time and power and he would make Russia great again.

 

It is now 2023, with The Central bank at near default, people protesting in the streets, economy in shambles, and a war that isn’t going well,  I hope Putin hasn’t forgotten the second envelope in the bottom drawer.

 

In that second envelope, there is a neatly typewritten note with the message;

 

“Prepare two envelopes.”

[scottiejohn]

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’t have enough money to buy a new bra so he’s increased my housekeeping. You ought to try it.”

The following week, the two women met up for another chat and Lauren was asked if she had taken her friend’s advice.

“Oh, it was a terrible,” exclaimed Lauren. “We were just about to go down the bingo when I lifted my skirt and told my husband I had no knickers on because I couldn’t afford to buy any.

 

The old skinflint, he threw me a quid and told me to buy a comb.

[scottiejohn]

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.
I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.