Worst Joke Ever 2024

[tifino]

and how they Woke the kids... 

 

[tifino]

Me-Time...

 

[ravip]

Some interesting comments found while waltzing around the net...

 

What are they doing to my language?

The English language changes more rapidly than in its country of origin, but I ask you:

Why do we no longer celebrate our second anniversary but instead our two year anniversary? Even the BBC is guilty of committing that sin.

 

Why do we no longer do things twice, but instead two times?

 

Why are things no longer a quarter of their old size, but instead four times smaller?

 

And one fight I know I shall never win. I still remember the Second World War but everyone else recalls World War Two. The other war, of course, was the Great War, wasn't it?

 

Here, we get so called dokumentaries* from such previously/supposedly respected organisations as National Geographic.

 

These dokumentaries* frequently quote measurements in jumbo jets, Eiffel Towers, Statues of Liberty, double decker busses, Olympic Swimming Pools, elephants, rhinoceroses, F1 cars and aircraft carriers. Queen Mary's horsepower was quoted as #### F1 cars for example.

 

Here, our tram network had an advertising campaign which quoted the weight of a tram as '17 rhinoceroses'. This, I assume, was intended to convey the message not to stand on the track.

 

Everything here is dumbed down. Commuter trains no longer carry passengers but rather customers; long distance ones 'guests'.

 

One 'debarks' rather than 'disembarks'; things are no longer 'uncoupled' but rather 'decoupled'.

No one in the media knows the difference between a house and a home.

 

An increase by a factor of five is now 'five hundred percent'.

Sports players, who are all called athletes, always give one hundred and ten percent.
When I was at school a percentage was a fraction - parts per hundred not number of hundreds.

 

Channel 4 news last night - spouted "decouple" - when it should be un-couple.

Still a long way to go to beat the BBC with "snowiness, icyness, windyness, wintryness, wetness spouted by their weather presenters. Each day there are flagrant attempts to sully the OED

 

I despair at the bastardising of our great spoken word.

News broadcasts that state fifty percent of something and nearly two thirds of the other - mixing up measurement methods.

 

Until last week I had never heard "summit" used as a verb - as in "summitting" Everest.

 

Now, where did I put that thrupenny bit? Sound so much better than three pee"

The foreigners actually say "Plus ça change"!

 

...and then

The language is constantly evolving and it is solely a matter of personal opinion whether that is good or bad. Very few of us 'thee', 'thou' or 'thine' today, we prefer to use currently fashionable pronouns. That would seem very peculiar to a seafarer of 1821 and an abuse of the the language.
Use the forms that please you and let other people do the same.

 

In these days of Global Warming, why are there so many snowflakes around?

 

...and to end it.

O Lord above send down a dove with wings as sharp as razors. To cut the throats of them there blokes that sells bad beer to sailors.

 

[ravip]

[ravip]

[ravip]

[fangless]

It was love at first sight. After knowing each other for less than a month, they decide to get married. 
“I think I ought to tell you,” said the man, “that I’m absolutely golf mad and I like to spend all weekend on the greens.” 
“Okay” she replied “but there’s something I ought to tell you. I’m a hooker.” 

“Not to worry. We’ll soon put that right, it’s probably the way you hold the club,” he said. 

[fangless]

The man sat at the bar looking morosely into his pint of beer. 
No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, a little voice inside his head kept on and on at him
“How could you Bob, how could you sleep with one of your patients!” 
Time went by, and a few more pints disappeared down his throat until he began to feel a little better – even the voice inside his head began to mellow. 
“OK Bob, I suppose you’re not the first person to sleep with one of their patients and no matter what they say, you’re still the best vet in the district.” 
 

[fangless]

Three dogs end up in the vet’s and start talking to each other. 
“Oh well,” sighs the first, “this is it, they’re going to put me down for worrying sheep.” 
“They’re putting me down as well,” says the second dog. “I bit the postman.” 
The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there. 
“Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn’t help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild. 

“I see,” reply the other dogs, “so you’re being put down as well.” 

 

“Oh no, I’m here to have my nails cut and my teeth cleaned.” 
 

[fangless]

“How dare you ask me if I’ve been to bed with anyone else, that’s my business,” she said angrily. 
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that was your profession,” replied the young man. 
 

[fangless]

A man rushes into a bar, orders four double whiskies and gulps them down immediately. 
“Wow!” says the pretty young barmaid. “You must be in a hurry.” 
“You would be too, if you had what I’ve got,” he replies.   
“Oh really? What’s that?” she asks sympathetically. 

“20Baht.” 
 

[fangless]

A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him, he exclaimed, “My goodness, an ice cube with a hole in it, that’s unique.” 

“No it isn’t,” commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him. “I married one.” 
 

[fangless]

[fangless]

Ann woke up one morning and discovered her dog Fluffy was not moving.
She brought Fluffy to the vet. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced
the dog dead.
"Are you sure?" Ann asked with tears in her eyes. "Isn't there anything else
you can do for Fluffy?"
The vet replied: "Well, there is one more thing we could try."

He disappeared in the back room for a second and came back carrying a cat
in his arms. He put the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat sniffed the
dog from head to toe, jumped off the table and ran back into the other room.
"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
"How much do I owe you?" Ann sighed.

 

"That'll be $250," the vet replied. "$50 for the office visit and $200 for the
cat scan."

[bluesofa]

Reminds me of this:

 

[fangless]

Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A pitbull.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pitbull.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

[fangless]

A guy was stranded on a lonely island with only a Pitbull and a pig for
company. There was plenty of food and fresh water, so he was doing alright
for a few months. But eventually the loneliness got to him... if you know
what I mean.

The pig started to look more and more attractive: soft, pink skin, round
buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy tried to make an advance
towards the pig, the Pitbull growled at him. Once he almost got bit. The guy
was getting very frustrated.

One day a life raft washed ashore. In it was a beautiful unconscious woman.
The guy carried her back to his hut and nursed her back to health. After a
few days the woman regained her strength and said: "Thank you so much
for saving my life! I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything
for you, anything you want!"
The guy thought for a moment and said:

 

"Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[jvs]

15 minutes ago, fangless said:

Ann woke up one morning and discovered her dog Fluffy was not moving.
She brought Fluffy to the vet. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced
the dog dead.
"Are you sure?" Ann asked with tears in her eyes. "Isn't there anything else
you can do for Fluffy?"
The vet replied: "Well, there is one more thing we could try."

He disappeared in the back room for a second and came back carrying a cat
in his arms. He put the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat sniffed the
dog from head to toe, jumped off the table and ran back into the other room.
"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
"How much do I owe you?" Ann sighed.

 

"That'll be $250," the vet replied. "$50 for the office visit and $200 for the
cat scan."

You forgot to mention the $150 after the vet brought in the dog and pronounced:lab results also declare fluffy has departed"

[fangless]

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid
told the auctioneer: "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as
well as you say he does."

"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was
bidding against you?"

[sanuk711]

26 minutes ago, fangless said:

That'll be $250," the vet replied. "$50 for the office visit and $200 for the
cat scan."

You cut it short.... He brought the Labrador in after to confirm it.....so $-$$    for the Lab report.

 

*Edit.....I should read the rest of the posts before I comment.......

Edited January 23, 2021 by sanuk711

[fangless]

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says:

"Give me a beer."

The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak
with the owner:

"Hey boss, there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer."

The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies:

"Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer."

So the bartender heads back out front, hands the horse a beer and says:

"You know, we don't get many horses around here."

To which the horse replies:

 

"At these prices I'm not surprised."

[fangless]

A lonely woman buys a parrot for companionship.

After a week, the parrot hasn’t said a word, so the woman goes back to the pet store and buys it a mirror.

Nothing.

The next week, she brings home a little ladder. Polly is still incommunicado.
So then the week after that, she gives it a swing, which elicits not a peep.
A week later, she finds the parrot on the floor of its cage, dying.

Summoning up its last breath, the bird whispers:

 

"Don’t they have any food at that pet store?"

[fangless]

[ballpoint]

9 hours ago, tifino said:

he could have said he's had a Sordid past (but needs to practice up on his Spelling)

If he was good at spelling, he would have been a better magician.

[ballpoint]

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[ballpoint]

[sanuk711]