Worst Joke Ever 2024

[scottiejohn]

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then, is it possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. 

Q: "Officer did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."
Q: "Officer - who provided this description?"
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officer?"
A: "Yes, sir. Of Course, heck even with my life."
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
A: "Yes sir, I do!"
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"
A: "Yes sir, I do."
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
A: "Yes sir, a very secure lock."
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"
A: "You see, sir we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Seems like a very reasonable lady !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Even dogs are getting in on the act !!

[scottiejohn]

18 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Here’s a little test for the average TVF member, take your time !, it’s not an easy one this !!

I think I will need to go on the web to get the answer as I am still legless from last night!

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Aww bless her !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Great job son, that’s gonna make the picture look so much softer !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

Lap it up kids before the dog gets wind of it !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

I get out of hospital Tuesday !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

I’d probably bite them off after 3 days !!

 

 

 

The cones that is , not my......

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. 
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

2 men walking down the road see a blind dog humping away at a cabbage.  One says...
“Poor bugger, he must have thought it was a collie “
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Paddy takes his mates back to see his new flat, and after a few more beers one of the lads asks him what’s the big brass gong hanging on the wall for?
Paddy says, "Its my speaking clock"!
"What! How the hell does it work?" his mate asks.
"I'll show you", and Paddy hits it full pelt with a claw hammer.
A voice from next door yells "For f**ks sake you idiot, don’t you know its twenty to three in the morning!!" 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Attorney: This “problem” does It affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 

[scottiejohn]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Proof that Trump is an idiot and knows nothing !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

You would be amazed at how many times this has happened to me !!

[bluesofa]

6 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

You would be amazed at how many times this has happened to me !!

Are you Scottish and imagined it was Burns Night?

[Andrew Dwyer]

Are you Scottish and imagined it was Burns Night?

It was Boxing Day [emoji51]

[Crossy]

11 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

 

I never thought I would agree with The Donald.

 

Sadly the stats say otherwise:-

 

 

[Andrew Dwyer]

 
I never thought I would agree with The Donald.
 
Sadly the stats say otherwise:-
 

 

“ don’t talk to me about sophistication , I’ve been to Leeds !! “

[scottiejohn]

12 hours ago, bluesofa said:

Are you Scottish and imagined it was Burns Night?

I`ll drink to that but you are not going to get any toasts from me if you keep trying to cook up an argument by stealing my lines. 

Edited June 11, 2019 by scottiejohn

[bluesofa]

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

I`ll drink to that but you are not going to get any toasts from me if you keep trying to cook up an argument by stealing my lines. 

but, but, I've got one of those rotary clothes lines. I don't need any more.